Trial of Love

Two years ago today, after lunch in a noisy sandwich shop, an angel kissed me. I tried to hold on to her ever since. But, some people are not meant to stay in your life. I can only hope that some day she comes back into my life. She will forever be in my heart.

Be well, take care of yourself first, and if you can make someone smile – do it.

1 Comment: her 4/7/2016 06:03:33 am

That made me cry….

Two years ago an angel entered my life. She saved me. For the first time in a long time, I had hope. There was a real, open and honest, connection. Maybe the timing was wrong, and maybe it wasn’t meant to last, but an angel none the less saved me.

She dared to dream, even as she struggled. She shared her dreams, and I fell so deeply in love with her that I would do whatever I can to make her dreams come true. Even if that was packing her up to move away from me, helping write her resume and cover letters, and even saying good bye as she moves on.

For, I am grateful for the time she was in my life, and I can only hope that someday she will be in my life again. And, if she never is, she taught me hope and love again. Something I thought I would never have, but now I have hope for every day.

Thank you my angel.

I wish I could rescue you. I wish you wanted to be rescued.

I thank you for the offer to speak with me, but I didn’t see your message until late afternoon, and frankly, I didn’t want to fall apart at work. Even your message brought in a wave of feelings I was not expecting.

I still love you and you will always have a special place in my life. If you ever need anything, I hope you will ask. It is not worth being stubborn or thinking you would be a bother – you know I will be there for you if you need me.

You are not a failure or loser to me. You are a kind and caring woman trying to find her way.

​Best always.

It doesn’t seem to work. I can’t forget. I can’t clear my head. I wonder how you are. Do you miss me? Do I want to know? – probably not. I am looking for strings that aren’t there.

You would think there would be no time to miss you. With the aftermath of last week weighing heavily on my son, I am busy trying to care for him, but my mind still finds time to keep checking your blog, watching the stats on this one — trying to see if you check.

I haven’t written in a while as I was trying to break myself completely from you. But I am missing you even more now. I have no one to talk with. I spend nights on D**”s couch. It isn’t much good for sleeping, but I don’t sleep much either. Its tough going while he waits for justice and bears the burden of his job.

I write and delete. And, write again.

Back to working.

Spring seems to have decided not to come here anytime soon. It is a bit cold and there is not much to do. I spent too much time inside this weekend, looking at the same walls, in a bit of a funk.

As much as I would like to get out of this place, I am reluctant to put myself out there. I feel unwanted everywhere. I just see memories with no future. Dieting sucks and I haven’t lost any weight in two weeks. I get so hungry and then grab a snack because i just can’t stand it. I’m not eating junk, but I’m eating more than 1200 cals a day. Hopefully the warm weather will hurry up and get here so I can get the bike out again.

I hope you have found some way to be happy in some part of your life.

1 Comment: her 3/27/2016 07:47:48 pm

I am in a funk also. Alcohol and antidepressants do not change it! Good luck!

I tried. I really tried.

I went out on a couple of dates. She was nice. Not instant chemistry, but someone I could see myself hanging out with, ride motorcycles, etc.

But, my past came up and I felt I had to disclose I was in prison before. That seems to have slammed the door. I tried texting a few days later, no reply. I assume she doesn’t want anything to do with me now. (She probably looked me up on the internet.)

As much as I am disappointed, I’m not really upset. I couldn’t see me falling in love. And, not dating will be better for my diet anyway. Three dates was enough to gain two pounds instead of losing weight (too much beer?). My latest labs show improvement, but not enough to quit meds. A1C is 5.8. Cholesterol numbers didn’t move at all – surprisingly.

I guess I’m writing this here, because even though we’re not friends, I have no one else to tell. I just had to get it out.

1 Comment:

Her 3/13/2016 08:32:31 am

I get it, about writing here. It is like sending a message, without directing it. I write on my page occasionally. If it helps to know I am not happy. I am just existing….. be well!

I’ve changed my life insurance and will. I dropped you as a beneficiary. But, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to remove you from my heart.

You say you deleted me…. you’ve left me so many times I would think it is easy for you. You are with someone else – you never wanted me the way I wanted you.

I do really wish you happiness. Yes, I hoped you would be happy with me. Please take care of yourself. Even in you are not in my life, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.

Just when I think I am ready to move on… you send a stupid text, asking a question that doesn’t need an answer. If you want a t-shirt, look at the campaign site.

Then, my mind spins… why? Who does she want it for? Why did she contact me? Are you just testing to see if I’ll answer? You make me spin.

1 Comment:

The Bitch 3/6/2016 05:29:05 pm

I have deleted your number. I will not call you, I will not text you. I am sorry I bothered you! Be well.

I love you,
I don’t want to love anyone else,
I don’t want to feel this pain,
I just wait for it to stop.

You didn’t need to lie to me. If you had told me you were involved, living with someone else, I would have never sent you gifts or cards. You’re done with me and I need to be done with you.

1 Comment:

The Bitch 3/6/2016 05:23:00 pm
Because I never want to hurt you

On a chilly, windy afternoon, our last kiss was on a sidewalk saying good bye. I just wanted to go home and let it all out. But, I had to work. You were perhaps the great love of my life. But, yes, if you can love someone more than me – it’s better you be moving on and leaving me behind.

You asked me why I’m not dating. It would not be fair to anyone else. Maybe I’ve been reaching for dangling strings – hoping beyond reason that you would come home. You really made it clear when you said you missed the flowers. You didn’t say you missed me giving you flowers or that you missed getting them from me….just that you missed the flowers.

I hope you can look back and say it was worth it.

1 Comment:

Her 2/17/2016 06:46:14 am

I got your card last night. It made me uncomfortable, I don’t want anyone to love me that much. It left me speechless. We need to move on. I am not coming back to Vermont. I am looking for a new life, a new adventure. I have tried to be nice about it and you don’t get it. I don’t want to be mean. You came along at the wrong time. I look back at messages and blog entries and comments. I told you I did not want a relationship at that time. I told you I needed to be on my own. You allowed me to take advantage of you (and yes, I did). You let me use you (and yes, I did). It was a mistake to give you my new address. I don’t know what to do. I know that I need to stop dangling the strings….. I am afraid to hit submit.