Trial of Love

I have a lot of feelings swirling around, but mostly that I don’t want to argue. It seems every time I post I just make you feel bad or you tell me I’m wrong in some way.

I see no reason to post just to cause hurt feelings.

I don’t think you really care about how I feel or what I have to say. It seems you only care that I somehow both forgive you and don’t want you. I still need time to process. Time to decide if there is any reason to ever talk with you again. You clearly said I don’t matter enough to you.

1 Comment: her 5/2/2016 06:07:48 am

And that is why I did not want to send the email. I should have written it and deleted it. Yes, we should talk…not text. Can you talk at all tomorrow? I am finally off for a day.

What do you want me to say? What did you expect I would say? You didn’t ask for my thoughts. Talk to your therapist.

1 Comment: her 4/29/2016 09:36:09 pm

You are right!!!

Here are my first thought about your email.

I think it can be distilled down to a few key facts:

• You don’t love me.
• You can’t love me, because you are still in love with someone that won’t ever love you.
• You couldn’t possibly fall in love with me because I love you. (You probably could never fall in love with someone that loves you.)
• I must be pathetic because I love you.

As you said about the guy you still love, “After 4 years you would think that someone as smart as I am (not being conceited) would figure out that if we were ever together, he would have a different back up chick.” I guess it took you 4 years of burning through men to finally admit you are still in love with someone else. I’m pretty sure I pointed that out in July while packing up your boxes.

But, don’t fool yourself into thinking you are doing this for me. “I didn’t want to do the same thing to you. I never wanted you to feel like I did. And basically when I got down here I realized I was doing that exact thing.” You are only making excuses for your behavior. You were always cheating us. You used me as your back up for everything with never giving us any opportunity to have a real relationship. You never resolved to give up on him and try to be honest in a relationship with me.

You continue, “A person should always have the respect for themselves.” So I guess you don’t think I have any respect for myself. I doubt you have any respect for me.

But, just when the door is slammed shut, you don’t fail to dangle that string: “I miss friends (yes, you).”

Well, here is something you didn’t consider. I gave myself freely to you, including my love. I would do it again. I do not consider myself pathetic for loving someone, even you.

The real reason things can not work between us seems to be that you haven’t given up on your hopeless love. Note, you never said you are over it, just that you needed to move because “…… I couldn’t be in VT knowing that one of my ex’s …will always be there. I think I will always be …[his] back up plan if I am in VT.” In fact, it sounds like a resolve to continue your fantasy.

I respect myself for giving my all to trying to have an honest, meaningful, and loving relationship. I didn’t allow myself to be like you… I always said I wanted a real and full relationship with you, not just be a fuck-buddy. Sure, you used me that way. Even at Christmas when you lied about being in a relationship now.

I used to think you were an angel.

You call, we talk, I book a flight, rent a truck, pack you up, and bring you home.

Loving you was always easy for me.

1 Comment:

her 4/22/2016 11:12:03 am

I don’t think that is a good idea, at least not right now. I know that is what you would like. I’m sorry!

It was a nice day. Sunny, not really warm, but no wind. I walked up to City Market, but no need to get anything. It made me think of you, and our lunches.

The walk was easy, but made me realize how out of shape I am when I can feel the fat jiggle. lol

I didn’t walk by the bank. I thought it would be too hard to not look into the windows looking for you.

I pulled up behind a black Ford Fusion yesterday. Just for a second I had to look to see if it was you. How I wish it was.

I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life caring about and taking care of others. It was the way I was raised. I often put my own needs last.

You said you never wanted to be taken care of, that you didn’t want that. I can’t help but be who I am.

Why do you tell me the things you do? Do you want me to care about you still? Are you hoping I don’t?

You’re right, I’ve been grabbing at stings, trying to keep you in my life with some grand hope that you will come back some day. I’ll try to stop.

You can do anything you want. You were always good enough for me.

You tell me you are unhappy and lost, but you must be happier being lost there than being here with me. And yes, you have that option to come home. But if nothing I say can change it or make it right again…..

Do you believe I don’t think enough of you, or that I’m too critical? Maybe you need to create that distance, just as I should stop forgiving you. I feel you would be happier if I were angry and left you alone so you wouldn’t need to feel guilt about leaving me.

I know you said you are not coming back…. but then you write you want to.

It is never to late to love someone. I’m sorry if you feel that my feelings about you are reflected in that song you sent. I did my best to support what you wanted, even if I didn’t want it. And, no, I didn’t want you to leave. And no, I didn’t want you to shut me out of your life.

Your reply had me feeling so bad…. feeling like I make you feel bad about yourself. I haven’t looked at your Facebook page since my birthday. I looked today…. am I the mistake you cut from your life? It that how you feel about me?

My simple plan was to just love you.

I’ve been lonely, I’ve been waitin’ for you
I’m pretending and that’s all I can do
The love I’m sendin’
Ain’t makin’ it through to your heart

I could start dreamin’ but it never ends
As long as you’re gone we may as well pretend
I’ve been dreamin’
Straight from the heart

I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go and I’ll be there
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You’ll always be a part of me ’cause there is
Always something there to remind me

I just miss you.

It would have been fun to have you with me. You would have had fun.

It was a long, lonely, drive home

1 Comment:

her 4/8/2016 04:49:03 am
I am no longer allowed to have fun. I am lost…..