Trial of Love

Yesterday was a year since I packed you up and you moved away. You finally said good bye.

It has been a year of loneliness, tears, false hope, and frustration. No matter how hard I try, I am not the one you will love.

Everywhere I go I have memories of us together… but just memories. No longer hope.

You said some disturbing things yesterday. I hope they are exaggerations. But I can not rescue you when you don’t want to be rescued. Maybe you are just checking to see if I still would? But yes, I wonder if I am being played with, like a cat plays with a mouse – just an amusement.

So, you said it…”goodbye”. I hope you at least got some good memories from me.

I was never your prince charming. Try as I might, I could never make you love me.

It really hurts to hear you unhappy and in pain. I try my best to do what ever I can to make you want to come back. It will never work. I try to help, but you don’t want my help. You see it as too complicated, but really it seems just not what you want.

I don’t know what you want from me or with me. I try and try to navigate the extreme loneliness in my soul. I reach out to you but it makes me feel even more lonely. When you reach out to me, I get false hope.

I loved you beyond all comprehension. I have offered everything I have. I offered to move for you. I was willing to give you all I have, every part of me. At least you were finally honest and let me know you could never love me.

Take care of yourself. Have respect for yourself. You are a wonderful person and deserve the love you need. I’m sorry I could not be that love. You will always be in my heart until its last beat.

I get it.

You saved me once, but I don’t think I can save you. God knows I tried many times. I don’t think you can save me anymore. There is too much distance, too much hurt in the past.

Yet I still want you. I am the fool. But I know you will never come back. Your “loan” is evidence enough. I am the worse devil. My deal was worse than a loan from *****.

I still wish you happiness and safety.

Trying to move on——- my heart still stuck on you.

 

 

I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

 

(Do I wanna know)
If this feeling flows both ways?

(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
‘Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through
Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?

I’ve been missing you. It was nice to text a little on Friday. But, there is some truth in this song….. my heart still belongs to you.

1 Comment: her 7/22/2016 08:35:18 pm

Funny…..you never liked it when I played it. I don’t drink anymore, but yes I think of calling. This week has not been good, so it is best I don’t call……

I’ve been writing this post for a while… somehow it still seems not done – like the two of us.

• She is the one I fell madly in love with;
• She is the one that opened her world to me;
• She is the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with;
• She is the one I could imagine growing old with;
• She is the one I gave my all;
• She is the one I tried to make a better life for;
• She is the one I kept going back to;
• She is the one that rocked my world;
• She is the one that broke my heart – not once, but twice;
• She is the one I tried to get back;
• She is the one that didn’t want me;
• She is the one I helped move away;
• She is the one I try to get back;
• She is the one I would help any time;
• She is the one that doesn’t want me;
• She is the one I need to let go;
• She is the one I will always love;
• She is the one I will never forget;
• She is the one I would still help.
• She is the one that made me whole.
• She was my angel.

I went to a concert last night…..music was ok. A bunch of oldies that my sister wanted to see.

The second song of the set took me by surprise how it made me think of you. I haven’t been able to shake you out of my head all night.

 

I keep forgettin’ we’re not in love anymore
I keep forgettin’ things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin’ how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin’ it all

Every time I hear
How you never want to live a lie
How it’s gone too far
And you don’t have to tell me why
Why you’re gone and why the game is through

Although we’ve never spent this date together (I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you on this date), it is very special and to be celebrated.

It is a celebration of the joys, love, and happiness you bring to the world. You saved me, taught me that love is still possible, and brought me more joy than you will ever know.

I miss you my friend. I hope you are well and smile today.

I know you are where you need to be…. finding your way in your own way.

I understand, even though I miss you a great deal (and regret you could not be with me). I hope I do see you in on your next visit. I’m sure it will be hard and possibly sad. But not seeing you would be worse.

I will always hold you dear in my heart. I loved you.

1 Comment: her 6/26/2016 03:37:20 am

Thank you for the birthday card. I am still trying very hard to get through the month of June. It is a struggle…..

6/11/2016

We both write about our struggles to find our way to a love that fits us.

I am sorry I screwed up your life. I hope you find all the happiness I know you deserve. I will always care about you.

1 Comment: her 6/12/2016 06:24:20 am

WHY do people feel the can decide how I feel, what I think and what they have done to change my life?? Please, you don’t get to take the credit for screwing up my life. I did that.

I have a new job, better paying. I am going to start saving money…..I have decided I am going to move in the spring. May 2017. Don’t ask where, because I don’t even know yet.

I always tried to be with you, but I always wanted you to be with me……

Why do I want you? Simply love…..complicated, messy, irrational, sometimes needy, and occasionally wonderful.

When we are together, I feel we fit together. Even when you were saying you didn’t want to be with me (at my sisters), there was an undeniable bond between us. A bond I tried to keep, and one you tried to break.

But, I am selfish, and always wanted to you to be with me…. and only me.

I saw you are planning a fall trip. That from someone that never wanted to plan anything in advance (with me?). Maybe we’ll be ok by then and can say hi. I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about you or stop loving you… but as you say… I need to stop being in love… and that is slowing ebbing away.

Be well. I hope you find that happiness you seek.

1 Comment: her 6/5/2016 05:04:11 am

Have you ever read my blog and yours and noticed the vast difference? Yes, my reunion is in September, I will be there for a week. I would like to say hi, but I don’t want to destroy the progress you are making…… I will leave it up to you.

Have you ever heard of the front porch theory????