An online diary of a heartbroken man
some things never seem to change…. like my dreams of you when I’m sleeping in a cold be.. remembering how it used to be.
I hope you are well.
1 Comment
her 10/27/2016 04:30:34 am
I am doing ok. Called out today. Don’t know if it’s the blues, allergies or the “I don’t give a fuck”….. But I am not even getting out of bed.
Hope you are doing well.
We all worry about many things we just can’t control. What will happen in the future? Will this last? When will things change?
The truth is, you taught me to stop worrying so much because I can’t control or guard against most of it. But, think about what you say…. Would you really want someone that:
That seems to be the way you present it. Me, I prefer to love. I prefer to work hard at maintaining a relationship, giving it my all, and even sticking around when things are tough to try and make it better. Sure, I’m always afraid of being hurt, heartbroken, and of being the fool. Even with all the heartache in the past three years, I am glad I loved you. I don’t regret that. I am sorry things didn’t work out the way I wanted to, but I know I gave everything (or nearly everything) I could and did my best by you.
Right now, I feel I will never fall in love again like I did with you. And, I don’t really want to fall in love again. Same reason I never wanted to own another dog — to avoid the pain that comes as part of the package. But, I would fall in love with you all over again, because I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I wanted to please you more than you may ever believe. And, I would have held you until my last day on earth. I will hold you in my heart ‘til that day and more.
So, are you the way you are because you can’t care that deeply? Or because you don’t want to be hurt that much again? To some extent, I feel sorry for the woman I am dating now… because I will never fall in love with her – not the way I am in love with you. –
Its been a busy week. I got a call Friday at 2am – water running out my office front door. It seems a toilet broke upstairs and flooded my office. I’ve been working 15 hour days trying to get things back to some resemblance of normal. Computers are finally working again.
I still think about you constantly. I was hoping you would write or text. I know you still have family visiting in the area, and probably rarely have a free minute to yourself.
I hope you’re having a good Autumn. I’m here.
2 Comments
Her 9/29/2016 03:50:50 am
Of course you are fixing the problems at work….. You are a fixer.
It is not autumn here. It starts at 70 and by noon it’s around 85. People are wearing boots and fleece because it is “so cold”.
I am missing VT. And yes, I am missing you. I never know if I should text, I do not want to make you sad.
Her 10/6/2016 11:37:33 am
Bored at work. Reading your old blog posts!
Sometimes, life feels completely out of control, lost, and even hopeless.
Life gets so crazy. We guess at every decision, wonder if what we are doing is right or wrong, or if it even matters. Life starts to spins, our minds search for meaning and our bodies search for a place of belonging. I know your life can feel completely nuts at time.
But, If you’re the nut, I’m the crazed squirrel that desires you to no end.
All my love, always (whether I want to love you or not).
I check my phone during the day and in the middle of the night. I wake up early, looking to see if you have written or commented. But, I know you have family with you, and are probably reasonably busy and content.
It was nearly a year since I last held you in my arms. And, just one hug had me falling in love all over again. But, now you are gone again. We have no plan, no roadmap, no promise to ever see each other again in our lives. My heart feels empty again. I feel lonely and can’t help but wonder, “what if…”
What if… I come to you?
What if… we run away?
But, I could never stop you from leaving. I know, you need to be your own person and find your own path.
Still, my heart wants you.
Be well and take care.
2 Comments
her 9/19/2016 06:05:26 pm
You could’ve…. If you tried. I will be moving in March…… No matter what!
Him 9/19/2016 06:08:10 pm
so, come home.
It was nice to see you. I was really afraid of my own feelings, I will be honest, it has taken me a long time to get past you leaving. And the prospect of seeing you left me a bit unsteady.
I never wanted to make you cry. I am glad for you that you are piecing your life together and moving forward. I truly wish you to be happy.
However, seeing you only confirmed to me that I still have deep feelings for you that just seem will never go away. My heart jumped at the passing thought of showing up on your doorstep. But I am afraid that would not be enough for either of us.
As I said, if you are ever back in Vermont, you’ll know where to find me.
Love and best wishes always.
3 Comments
her 9/17/2016 05:50:05 am
I almost changed my mind about seeing you. I try not to let on about how bad things have been. I did not want to cry in front of you. I did not want to appear weak.
him 9/17/2016 03:24:37 pm
I ordered corned beef has at breakfast today. Not because I wanted hash, but I wanted to feel some connection to you.
her 9/17/2016 03:42:04 pm
Haven’t had any since I was last with you…..
If I had tried to stop you at the airport, would I have succeeded? Probably not. We are both too practical to give way to such whimsey – however romantic the movies make it seem.
And, I would be far too afraid to even try. Either, I would have my heart broken again, or I would be the complete fool and buy a ticket to come with you. But, as you know, running away only makes your problems run after you.
It seems the airport has always been the problem. The first time you went to that airport when we were first dating is when I think you resolved to not need me. You came back changed. Maybe it was just the first alone time away from me you had to evaluate what was happening.
I often live in my own fantasy where I can come crashing in and take you away. Or, just show up and make everything work out. But, I’m no Officer and a Gentleman.
If you ever feel alone against the world, remember, I am always rooting for you.
Will I see you? Will you want to see me?
I wonder and wait to see if you want to try and see me this trip. What will it be? A lunch again where we politely lie to each other and hold back the sadness.
Will you be traveling alone? Or will seeing me entail getting way on your own… a secret. I miss you, as much as I missed you the day you left… as much as I missed you a year ago. My heart still longs for you, it can not be changed no matter how hard I try.
1 Comment:
her 9/8/2016 09:27:31 pm
I am here alone. I do not do well with secrets…..
I wish it was me. I have often thought about how to contact you… how would you take it. But, it seems I am more likely to make you sad than make you happy. I miss you greatly, and look forward to seeing you someday when you visit “home”.
I am always thinking about you, and wish you could find what you need in a way that makes you happy and loved. Even though I was not that one that sent you that gift, it was nice you thought it might be me. (or maybe I’m delusional and was hoping you wanted it to be me).
Still hopeless….
2 Comments
her 8/27/2016 03:58:17 pm
Yes, I had hoped it was you. I want to be missed. I am sorry I cannot be in VT. I am sorry I cannot be in a relationship.
him 8/29/2016 05:08:42 pm
you are missed – all the time.
Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can’t forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I’m tryin’ to forget your name and leave it all behind me
Yeah. It’s been such a long time, I think I should be goin’, yeah
And time dosn’t wait for me, it keeps on rollin’
There’s a long road, I’ve gotta stay in time with
I’ve got to keep on chasin’ that dream, though I may never find it
I’m always just behind it.
2 Comments:
her 8/10/2016 09:44:05 am
I am sorry you had to meet me. No one deserves that sort of punishment….
her 8/10/2016 09:44:42 am
I will not bother you any more….