Trial of Love

I’m sitting in the Charlotte airport. It’s Monday afternoon, November 18. My flight is overbooked, and they’re looking for volunteers to fly tomorrow.

I think, maybe I should take the deal, rent a car and drive over. I concoct a plan.

I’ll rent a Hotel room. A hotel near your work. A room that I can see the windows from the parking lot or common area. I’ll get an extra key-card. I use the hotel stationery to write you a note – “I need you tonight. Come to me. Room xxx” I’ll put the note and keycard in an envelope and leave it on your windshield just after 10p.

Next stop, a lingerie store. Something similar to the outfit you wore in Glens Falls. And a blindfold. The box needs to be gift wrapped. Now back to the hotel.

I leave the box on the bed with a note: “Make yourself comfortable. Please open the box.” Inside the box is an other note – Take your time, get yourself ready. Please wear this. When you’re ready, flash the room lights twice.”

Then I wait. Will you come?

It seems I’m never far from thinking about you… wondering how you are doing. Even after all these years, I still miss holding you.

Somehow, I just keep thinking about Valentines Day. The time I sent you flowers. The time you ran off to Canada and I sat in your parking lot for nearly six hours wishing I could see you. And now.

I just have an overwhelming feeling….that I miss you. I feel like I want to send you calla lilies.

I know I can’t do that. You’re married. And I don’t want to be the ex that causes a shit storm. As well as I don’t want to cause my own shit storm here.

But, I still can’t stop wondering what would have happened if it was me that you married.

I’m wishing you happiness and joy throughout the year. You’re always on my mind, in my prayers.

Merry Christmas.

I hope you are having a wonderful day. You deserve to be happy. It is a white Christmas here, if only by an inch or so of snow.

It’s a typical Christmas. Family dinner later and hopefully both kids will show up. They’re having extra drama this season as their mother’s house burned down last month.

I hope you hear from your kids, have a good day with family and memories of family.

Peace and Love

It was seven years ago. You were standing on the other side of the counter, deep dark eyes and a hint of a smile. We often made small talk. I looked you up on line… but “its complicated” was all I found.

It is always complicated. And, I still love you. I wish you happiness and peace.

I am thankful to know you. I am thankful you came into my life. You saved me. I wish you happiness.

I will always love you.

It is a little after 11 on a Thursday night. We both worked late and we’re about to go to bed together in your apartment. We crawl into bed and I hold you in my arms. You push your hips back into me. I whisper in your ear, “if you do that again I’m going to pull your shorts off and take you any way I want.” You push back into me twice more.

I roll you onto your back and pull off your shorts as I kiss you.  I pull off my boxers as I climb between your legs. You grab me, guiding me towards you….to enter you. I look in your eyes.

I wake up.

That was five years ago.

This memory still comes in my dreams. I wake up and my arms long to hold you. My heart misses you. And my body desires you.

It’s Thursday night.

Autumn comes again. It was perhaps the happiest time of my life. Even when I was away to a business conference, you were here, in my home. I wanted you to feel home. I wanted you to feel like it was where you belong.

I wish you could have felt that. I always wanted you to feel love and be comfortable…. wanted.

Be well. You are always missed.

“Sometimes, you have to accept the reality that breaks your heart to try and find peace for your soul”

I feel like this a lot. I don’t want to accept what is an apparent truth. I still foolishly want to hold onto false hope.