Trial of Love

I pulled up behind a black Ford Fusion yesterday. Just for a second I had to look to see if it was you. How I wish it was.

I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life caring about and taking care of others. It was the way I was raised. I often put my own needs last.

You said you never wanted to be taken care of, that you didn’t want that. I can’t help but be who I am.

Why do you tell me the things you do? Do you want me to care about you still? Are you hoping I don’t?

You’re right, I’ve been grabbing at stings, trying to keep you in my life with some grand hope that you will come back some day. I’ll try to stop.

You can do anything you want. You were always good enough for me.

You tell me you are unhappy and lost, but you must be happier being lost there than being here with me. And yes, you have that option to come home. But if nothing I say can change it or make it right again…..

Do you believe I don’t think enough of you, or that I’m too critical? Maybe you need to create that distance, just as I should stop forgiving you. I feel you would be happier if I were angry and left you alone so you wouldn’t need to feel guilt about leaving me.

I know you said you are not coming back…. but then you write you want to.

It is never to late to love someone. I’m sorry if you feel that my feelings about you are reflected in that song you sent. I did my best to support what you wanted, even if I didn’t want it. And, no, I didn’t want you to leave. And no, I didn’t want you to shut me out of your life.

Your reply had me feeling so bad…. feeling like I make you feel bad about yourself. I haven’t looked at your Facebook page since my birthday. I looked today…. am I the mistake you cut from your life? It that how you feel about me?

My simple plan was to just love you.

I’ve been lonely, I’ve been waitin’ for you
I’m pretending and that’s all I can do
The love I’m sendin’
Ain’t makin’ it through to your heart

I could start dreamin’ but it never ends
As long as you’re gone we may as well pretend
I’ve been dreamin’
Straight from the heart

I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
If you should find you miss the sweet and tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go and I’ll be there
Oh, how can I forget you, girl, when there is
Always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love her and I will never be free
You’ll always be a part of me ’cause there is
Always something there to remind me

I just miss you.

It would have been fun to have you with me. You would have had fun.

It was a long, lonely, drive home

1 Comment:

her 4/8/2016 04:49:03 am
I am no longer allowed to have fun. I am lost…..

Two years ago today, after lunch in a noisy sandwich shop, an angel kissed me. I tried to hold on to her ever since. But, some people are not meant to stay in your life. I can only hope that some day she comes back into my life. She will forever be in my heart.

Be well, take care of yourself first, and if you can make someone smile – do it.

1 Comment: her 4/7/2016 06:03:33 am

That made me cry….

Two years ago an angel entered my life. She saved me. For the first time in a long time, I had hope. There was a real, open and honest, connection. Maybe the timing was wrong, and maybe it wasn’t meant to last, but an angel none the less saved me.

She dared to dream, even as she struggled. She shared her dreams, and I fell so deeply in love with her that I would do whatever I can to make her dreams come true. Even if that was packing her up to move away from me, helping write her resume and cover letters, and even saying good bye as she moves on.

For, I am grateful for the time she was in my life, and I can only hope that someday she will be in my life again. And, if she never is, she taught me hope and love again. Something I thought I would never have, but now I have hope for every day.

Thank you my angel.

I wish I could rescue you. I wish you wanted to be rescued.

I thank you for the offer to speak with me, but I didn’t see your message until late afternoon, and frankly, I didn’t want to fall apart at work. Even your message brought in a wave of feelings I was not expecting.

I still love you and you will always have a special place in my life. If you ever need anything, I hope you will ask. It is not worth being stubborn or thinking you would be a bother – you know I will be there for you if you need me.

You are not a failure or loser to me. You are a kind and caring woman trying to find her way.

​Best always.

It doesn’t seem to work. I can’t forget. I can’t clear my head. I wonder how you are. Do you miss me? Do I want to know? – probably not. I am looking for strings that aren’t there.

You would think there would be no time to miss you. With the aftermath of last week weighing heavily on my son, I am busy trying to care for him, but my mind still finds time to keep checking your blog, watching the stats on this one — trying to see if you check.

I haven’t written in a while as I was trying to break myself completely from you. But I am missing you even more now. I have no one to talk with. I spend nights on D**”s couch. It isn’t much good for sleeping, but I don’t sleep much either. Its tough going while he waits for justice and bears the burden of his job.

I write and delete. And, write again.

Back to working.

Spring seems to have decided not to come here anytime soon. It is a bit cold and there is not much to do. I spent too much time inside this weekend, looking at the same walls, in a bit of a funk.

As much as I would like to get out of this place, I am reluctant to put myself out there. I feel unwanted everywhere. I just see memories with no future. Dieting sucks and I haven’t lost any weight in two weeks. I get so hungry and then grab a snack because i just can’t stand it. I’m not eating junk, but I’m eating more than 1200 cals a day. Hopefully the warm weather will hurry up and get here so I can get the bike out again.

I hope you have found some way to be happy in some part of your life.

1 Comment: her 3/27/2016 07:47:48 pm

I am in a funk also. Alcohol and antidepressants do not change it! Good luck!