Trial of Love

Spring seems to have decided not to come here anytime soon. It is a bit cold and there is not much to do. I spent too much time inside this weekend, looking at the same walls, in a bit of a funk.

As much as I would like to get out of this place, I am reluctant to put myself out there. I feel unwanted everywhere. I just see memories with no future. Dieting sucks and I haven’t lost any weight in two weeks. I get so hungry and then grab a snack because i just can’t stand it. I’m not eating junk, but I’m eating more than 1200 cals a day. Hopefully the warm weather will hurry up and get here so I can get the bike out again.

I hope you have found some way to be happy in some part of your life.

1 Comment: her 3/27/2016 07:47:48 pm

I am in a funk also. Alcohol and antidepressants do not change it! Good luck!

I tried. I really tried.

I went out on a couple of dates. She was nice. Not instant chemistry, but someone I could see myself hanging out with, ride motorcycles, etc.

But, my past came up and I felt I had to disclose I was in prison before. That seems to have slammed the door. I tried texting a few days later, no reply. I assume she doesn’t want anything to do with me now. (She probably looked me up on the internet.)

As much as I am disappointed, I’m not really upset. I couldn’t see me falling in love. And, not dating will be better for my diet anyway. Three dates was enough to gain two pounds instead of losing weight (too much beer?). My latest labs show improvement, but not enough to quit meds. A1C is 5.8. Cholesterol numbers didn’t move at all – surprisingly.

I guess I’m writing this here, because even though we’re not friends, I have no one else to tell. I just had to get it out.

1 Comment:

Her 3/13/2016 08:32:31 am

I get it, about writing here. It is like sending a message, without directing it. I write on my page occasionally. If it helps to know I am not happy. I am just existing….. be well!

I’ve changed my life insurance and will. I dropped you as a beneficiary. But, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to remove you from my heart.

You say you deleted me…. you’ve left me so many times I would think it is easy for you. You are with someone else – you never wanted me the way I wanted you.

I do really wish you happiness. Yes, I hoped you would be happy with me. Please take care of yourself. Even in you are not in my life, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.

Just when I think I am ready to move on… you send a stupid text, asking a question that doesn’t need an answer. If you want a t-shirt, look at the campaign site.

Then, my mind spins… why? Who does she want it for? Why did she contact me? Are you just testing to see if I’ll answer? You make me spin.

1 Comment:

The Bitch 3/6/2016 05:29:05 pm

I have deleted your number. I will not call you, I will not text you. I am sorry I bothered you! Be well.

I love you,
I don’t want to love anyone else,
I don’t want to feel this pain,
I just wait for it to stop.

You didn’t need to lie to me. If you had told me you were involved, living with someone else, I would have never sent you gifts or cards. You’re done with me and I need to be done with you.

1 Comment:

The Bitch 3/6/2016 05:23:00 pm
Because I never want to hurt you

On a chilly, windy afternoon, our last kiss was on a sidewalk saying good bye. I just wanted to go home and let it all out. But, I had to work. You were perhaps the great love of my life. But, yes, if you can love someone more than me – it’s better you be moving on and leaving me behind.

You asked me why I’m not dating. It would not be fair to anyone else. Maybe I’ve been reaching for dangling strings – hoping beyond reason that you would come home. You really made it clear when you said you missed the flowers. You didn’t say you missed me giving you flowers or that you missed getting them from me….just that you missed the flowers.

I hope you can look back and say it was worth it.

1 Comment:

Her 2/17/2016 06:46:14 am

I got your card last night. It made me uncomfortable, I don’t want anyone to love me that much. It left me speechless. We need to move on. I am not coming back to Vermont. I am looking for a new life, a new adventure. I have tried to be nice about it and you don’t get it. I don’t want to be mean. You came along at the wrong time. I look back at messages and blog entries and comments. I told you I did not want a relationship at that time. I told you I needed to be on my own. You allowed me to take advantage of you (and yes, I did). You let me use you (and yes, I did). It was a mistake to give you my new address. I don’t know what to do. I know that I need to stop dangling the strings….. I am afraid to hit submit.

Are you moved? Did you get the truck unloaded and start to unpack?

I know its a lot of work and keeping you busy. I may not be texting you, but I’m thinking about you.

I imagine that you’re pretty well versed at unpacking and settling in. You’ve done a few times in the past two years. French press and cork screw first… lol.

I think about you every day. I wonder if you are happy? Healthy? I hope you find the place in life that lets you do more than survive.

I hope I get to see you next week when you visit Vermont. I know you don’t like to make plans, so I won’t ask you to.

I didn’t know if I should text you or not. Just wanted you to know I hope you are safe in the storm. I know you have lots going on this week. Good luck and I hope you get some help so you don’t over do it.

P.S. You were always worth it.

Happy Friday – I hope.

It’s already been a long day (and week). I’m looking forward to tomorrow off and sleeping a little late. I worked both days last weekend.

Today’s disappointment was the bathroom scale. My diet was not productive this week. It seems the scale is stuck at the same number as last week. I need to drop 10 more pounds this month to make my goal. That would put me at the same weight I was 18 months ago when I was walking to the bank twice a day.

I hope we can talk (soon?).

I put away some empty boxes last night and thought of you packing up yet again. I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.

My warmest wishes for you, always.

1 Comments

Her 1/15/2016 03:54:16 am

I almost called you yesterday…how strange. I packed more on Wednesday and brought a load to the new place last night. I worked at the bakery until 7:00. It was a long day, but those are the best for me. I may be coming home for a few days in January. I have enough points on my United card, so it shouldn’t cost me much.

Mom went back on Monday. It was funny, everyone down here has been borrowing money from her. In the 5 digit range(it has totaled 27k). I called and borrowed $10 for my KeyBank account. She said maybe NC wasn’t good for me and I need to come home. LOL! That’s MY mom!!!!

Hope you are well. Best regards!!!!