Category: Trial of Love

I must admit I am jealous you are getting flowers from someone else. Although I have not sent flowers since you became hitched (except for some steel calla lilies). And maybe the flowers don’t mean much. But I always liked to make your day brighter.

I saw your post the same day I was cleaning out the drawer that used to be yours…. and in the back was a small package with nipple clamps that I never gave you or used with you. I had purchased them for Christmas that year… but we didn’t make it that long.

All to say, it has been a flood of memories. I still want to feel your touch. I still desire to hold you. Your recent photo is beauty that makes my heart ache for more of you.

I thought about sending you flowers…. but I should think better of it.

Holidays are coming but we’ve recently gotten lock-down orders. No visitors. No family gatherings. Probably no turkey (why make one?).

I don’t know if it makes you feel good or bad, but I still love you and want you. And yes, I know we can’t be with each other. But you are the desire that will not die in my heart.

It is not about just sex. I was happiest when you were with me. I felt purpose and joy – even if I wasn’t good at showing it.

I am thankful to know you and that you made me a part of your life. You saved me when I needed love most.

Be well. I hope you find joy and peace. Chat sometime.

I’m sorry I’ve been so distant and haven’t written. As you know, lots going on here with building and moving. This past two weeks has been hell. The project is 10 weeks behind schedule. The builder barely made the complete date for the addition but the remodel is far from done.

The old man is grumpy and mean. I know it’s a lot for him….. but it is a lot for me too. I’ve been working and doing what he needs and trying to keep my head above water with my tasks. There have been lots of 16+ hour days with dinner after 9p. I’m not an early bird so getting up at 6a for builders isn’t fun either.

All this has me second guessing if I did the right thing. I can see my father is actually failing more than we thought. He has about 5 or 6 hours a day that he is functional. He is in bed the rest of the time.

His demands are wearing thin. He complains about having to ‘live out of boxes’ but he refuses any help to unpack. In reality, he has been living out of boxes for years because he doesn’t have any real furniture. The bed we bought for him to move in may be the first bed he has had in a few years. In his old place, he was using a futon frame with piles of blankets on it. – That place was so disgusting. It hadn’t been cleaned in a decade.

I’m back at it this morning. Today’s list is moving my youngest then off to the hardware store for a shower head adapter, additional shower grab bar, stud finder to install shelves, and some wood for the shelves.

Tomorrow will be more of the same. I have two new washers in the house but they are not hooked up. The plumber was supposed to be here yesterday but he didn’t show up. The rough-in is done, but the final connection isn’t made. So, I’ll be doing it myself if I can.

Sometimes at night, I wake up at 4 or so, and think how this could have been all different if I had the guts to follow you. But I doubt it would have worked.

I wish you well and I’ll try to get back to a more normal life where we can chat. I hope you are keeping yourself safe.

• Love always

this little image showing up on my phone brings my heart right back to you.

Even after you left, there was this…..https://mylonelyadventure.weebly.com/my-lonely-adventure/i-was-just

Check out the comment on https://trialoflove.com/i-wish-i-could/ – that was a great day for me. [6 years ago]

I was just scrolling through pictures and saw the one of your moving day. I miss you.

Wishing you well and warm thoughts.

After a very busy couple of weeks with work and construction, I finally got a few minutes to just try and catch up. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m hoping you are feeling well and finding some joy in life.

I can’t help but feel that this home project of mine would have been more fun with you. I always was a dreamer… now its time to be a do-er.

Things have changed quite a bit with the plans. It started with a simple addition – a bedroom for dad – and just keeps growing. We expanded the addition to include more living area beyond the bedroom and bathroom. Then Dad insisted he needed a kitchenette, so I’m remodeling my old kitchen for him and installing a new kitchen in what was my laundry room and office.

The office moved downstairs, but not before we flooded (heavy rain before the addition was water tight) and had to rip out all the carpet and drywall. So, new walls are up. I might wait to install the floor until winter (it is outside my budget plan).

Meanwhile, the new kitchen cabinets should arrive in this month and I have some landscaping to do. The boys helped my remove three more trees outback and the branch pile will take weeks of dump trips.

And, as long as I’m at it, I’m having the windows and doors replaced and the house sided. It just seemed like it was the right time after replacing the roof last week (missed with a tree! lol).

The only thing that remains original is the calla lilies lamp globes in my bedroom. Every time I look up and see them, I think of you and smile.

Wishing you well, much love.

Every time I see a black Ford sedan on the road, I get just a second of pulled back in time to feelings of love and purpose. Thinking of you often, wishing you well.

Happy Birthday. All my good intentions to send a card to arrive on time have slipped away in the stress of dealing with dad and builders and work and everything else in life that just seems to eat away the minutes. I’m sorry it will be late.

I though about sending you flowers, but figured it could cause more problems than good feelings. (Am I wrong?)

I was glad you called me. I thought about trying to interrupt your plans and ask to see you –but that seemed foolish for both you and me.

I hope you have (or had) a wonderful celebration with calls and messages from friends and family.

Give your pet a hug. Love and best wishes always.

I always liked laundry day. I know you think that is crazy. But it was special because it was so normal. Sitting in the laundromat and just chatting over coffee just felt normal – no expectations, no drama. It was a time to be with you. And I wanted to be with you every minute you would let me.

"I think it's time for [me] to slowly disappear. I will quietly walk away. I won't contact you, bother you. I will not tell you when I will be in XX, and I will not talk to you unless you speak to me first.... Good luck! Please stay safe!"

I’m sad. You have been disappearing from me for years, but now even the last bits seem to be going away. I struggle about contacting you. I feel like an intrusion into your life (and I always have felt that). You’ve told me in the past not to contact you. You’ve moved away, moved on, and settled down. I know that you are unhappy at times – as you have told me.

When I write, it feels like I am saying the wrong things. Or at least things that can be taken the wrong way. So, I will try to be as clear as possible.

• I want you to be happy
• I don’t want to be a distraction or annoyance
• I don’t want to interfere with your pursuit of your own joy
• I understand you will never return, and I need to accept that
• I am not trying to impose my opinions on you. When I say something, it is my observation or feeling, not me telling you how you feel or should feel.
• I loved you in a way that is special to only you. I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love you. And I will always love you.

I know that what I want is impossible. And after six years you’d think I’d learn my lesson. Mostly, I don’t want to be sad anymore.

So, I don’t know where to go or what to do from here, other than just get up each morning and find a way through the day. I believe this is similar to your struggle – trying to get through each day to reach the next. (I am not saying it is, just that this is my observation.)