Author: Him

A story of love lost. Just a guy in love with a woman that doesn't want a relationship with him. She moved away and married someone else. I have shared this blog with her, and she knows the truth. I tried. I waited for a while. But, none of it worked. She is married to someone else now, but still drops into my life now and again. I am trying to move on. But, she was my one true love that inspired me to be a better person. If any of this story has meaning to you, please let me know. Thank you.

Seven years ago I kissed an angel

Love never ends… it just fades to beneath the struggle of life

There are moments of every day that I miss you and wonder what you are doing. I find myself still wanting to hold you. It has been a long time since you were with me.

I scroll all the messages we exchanged in the past…. back as far as I could. I couldn’t find the first one… the one where you sent a message that said something like “Hey, what happened to you?”

I was feeling very lost at that moment… and you saved me. You opened me to possibility. Then, just two days later you kissed me (or maybe I kissed you). That kiss brought me back to life.

I love you. I will always love you. And I miss you. But mostly, I hope you are happy and healthy. Because, my desire for you is second only to my desire for you to be happy.

Today I kissed an angel

The pain of heartbreak never goes away

The pain remains, even today.

Heartbreak at first, the pain is excruciating. Every movement or breath is a painful reminder I’m alive when I feel like I’ve been killed. The tears just come out, over and over. There is no comfort.

Soon, I am able to hide the pain from public. Control the tears so they only arrive when I’m alone. The pain is always there, just under the surface, consuming my thoughts. I struggle to keep it hidden.

Eventually the pain is part of the everyday existence. It is a companion I don’t want, but would not know how to live without. The pain of heartbreak is a reminder of what was, and what is no longer and will never be again. I hope beyond reason love will return, but the pain is a reminder that it can’t.

The tears still come. But, mostly when I am alone. I still long for you and your touch. My mind won’t let me forget holding you. My heart won’t let me forget what love once was.

Time continues on, no matter how much I wish it would stop. The days all blend into each other, wake up, do what needs to be done, back to bed. Some nights I sleep while others I just wonder why I am here.

I try to focus on the immediate. Having defined tasks and things to do keeps me occupied, but I lack even the most basic motivation. When you were here, I always wanted to make this place better. I wanted to make it someplace you wanted. Now I look around and see dozens of unfinished projects that I have no energy to tackle.

I miss what was, and accepting it will never be again has me depressed. It has reached the point that I’m starting meds again. Better to feel nothing than feel what I do.

visiting and not seeing each other

You’re right. And as always, you are the more sensible one between us. I would love to see you, give you a hug, and hear how you are doing. But not visiting each other is safest during these crazy times.

I still want to be the one that greets you at the airport with flowers. The one who gets to say goodnight last. But, things have changed and we’ve both moved away from each other. The feelings last but the reality of moving on with life makes the world a more difficult place at times.

I’m not worried about not seeing you. I still feel in my heart that when the time is right, we’ll meet up again. Although you may not feel my hugs, I hope you feel warmth knowing I want to hug you.

And, I would not want to let go.

Be safe, have a great time with family. Thank you for thinking about me on your trip home. We’ll meet again – someday when life isn’t so complicated.

Love always.

I miss your ass

All the thoughts that run through my head. All the ways I try to distract myself. The times that I just lay awake in the middle of night.

It all comes down to the same thing. I miss you.

I hope you are doing well and staying safe.

flowers and nipple clamps

I must admit I am jealous you are getting flowers from someone else. Although I have not sent flowers since you became hitched (except for some steel calla lilies). And maybe the flowers don’t mean much. But I always liked to make your day brighter.

I saw your post the same day I was cleaning out the drawer that used to be yours…. and in the back was a small package with nipple clamps that I never gave you or used with you. I had purchased them for Christmas that year… but we didn’t make it that long.

All to say, it has been a flood of memories. I still want to feel your touch. I still desire to hold you. Your recent photo is beauty that makes my heart ache for more of you.

I thought about sending you flowers…. but I should think better of it.

Holidays are coming but we’ve recently gotten lock-down orders. No visitors. No family gatherings. Probably no turkey (why make one?).

I don’t know if it makes you feel good or bad, but I still love you and want you. And yes, I know we can’t be with each other. But you are the desire that will not die in my heart.

It is not about just sex. I was happiest when you were with me. I felt purpose and joy – even if I wasn’t good at showing it.

I am thankful to know you and that you made me a part of your life. You saved me when I needed love most.

Be well. I hope you find joy and peace. Chat sometime.

second guessing

I’m sorry I’ve been so distant and haven’t written. As you know, lots going on here with building and moving. This past two weeks has been hell. The project is 10 weeks behind schedule. The builder barely made the complete date for the addition but the remodel is far from done.

The old man is grumpy and mean. I know it’s a lot for him….. but it is a lot for me too. I’ve been working and doing what he needs and trying to keep my head above water with my tasks. There have been lots of 16+ hour days with dinner after 9p. I’m not an early bird so getting up at 6a for builders isn’t fun either.

All this has me second guessing if I did the right thing. I can see my father is actually failing more than we thought. He has about 5 or 6 hours a day that he is functional. He is in bed the rest of the time.

His demands are wearing thin. He complains about having to ‘live out of boxes’ but he refuses any help to unpack. In reality, he has been living out of boxes for years because he doesn’t have any real furniture. The bed we bought for him to move in may be the first bed he has had in a few years. In his old place, he was using a futon frame with piles of blankets on it. – That place was so disgusting. It hadn’t been cleaned in a decade.

I’m back at it this morning. Today’s list is moving my youngest then off to the hardware store for a shower head adapter, additional shower grab bar, stud finder to install shelves, and some wood for the shelves.

Tomorrow will be more of the same. I have two new washers in the house but they are not hooked up. The plumber was supposed to be here yesterday but he didn’t show up. The rough-in is done, but the final connection isn’t made. So, I’ll be doing it myself if I can.

Sometimes at night, I wake up at 4 or so, and think how this could have been all different if I had the guts to follow you. But I doubt it would have worked.

I wish you well and I’ll try to get back to a more normal life where we can chat. I hope you are keeping yourself safe.

  • Love always