A while ago you talked about approaching a certain age and wanting to be settled. You said you wanted a partner, a certainty in life.
I was there too. I was there when you left this state. I was there when a year went by and you told me not to contact you any more. I was there when a year had passed, then an other. I’m older than you.
I had wanted to be settled with you. But that was no longer an option. And yes, I was both lonely and alone. I sought a companion.
What you wouldn’t let me explain when I saw you a year ago was how I found and chose someone. As you noted, things here seem a little fucked up. So, let me explain.
First, I found someone that didn’t demand (or even need) a commitment. But someone that was ok with just living in the moment. We both understood that either could leave at anytime. And, with her divorce not final yet, it ensured that there would be no pressure to be anything more than a day-by-day experience.
Second, I found someone that would welcome you. I found someone I thought you would like and get along with. Someone that (at that time) understood I loved you first.
I know, different. But you see, I always thought of you in everything. If you recall, we talked about your desires.
The other reality, I was going broke. I could not afford to live by myself for much longer. Having a roommate has made things much easier – as I’m sure you understand.
So, companionship, economics, and utter loneliness (if not total fear of being alone) all shaped what happened.
I still love you. And, I always will. But, I am working on accepting what can’t be.
This is try #3. Weebly does not love me!
What did you mean by “Someone that (at that time) understood I loved you first”? Why would that matter? Why would you want us to get along? What about my desires? Don’t you think it would be important for me to pick out my own friend?
I understand the whole idea of being with someone who can’t commit, it does make life easier. I don’t (and probably never will) the whole marriage thing, but that is between the two of you. Now that she is getting her divorce, will you two advance your relationship?
I’m sorry that I couldn’t afford to stay. I’m sorry that I was afraid to commit. I’m sorry that I’m a shitty person!!
I know you are older than I am, but I couldn’t put my life on hold. I needed to be me and do my thing. You were never going to leave. You are not happy there, but you have to many obligations to walk away. We are different in the way we parent and there way we make life choices.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, I’m exhausted, very sick and I am preparing for my mom to arrive Monday!
Get rest, enjoy your visit with your mom.
No, you’re not a shitty person. I just wanted to explain that I understand how you feel about wanting to be settled as I have been there. Did I not fully support you moving away to chase your dream?
No, not much will change between J—- and I.
I wasn’t trying to pick your friends for you, but I did try to find someone I thought you would get along with. Just me being foolish. I was upfront that if you returned, I would want to be with you. She understood (and understands that). But, things do change over time.
I hope you feel better and enjoy fall – whenever it gets there.