Trial of Love

I am thankful to know you. I am thankful you came into my life. You saved me. I wish you happiness.

I will always love you.

It is a little after 11 on a Thursday night. We both worked late and we’re about to go to bed together in your apartment. We crawl into bed and I hold you in my arms. You push your hips back into me. I whisper in your ear, “if you do that again I’m going to pull your shorts off and take you any way I want.” You push back into me twice more.

I roll you onto your back and pull off your shorts as I kiss you.  I pull off my boxers as I climb between your legs. You grab me, guiding me towards you….to enter you. I look in your eyes.

I wake up.

That was five years ago.

This memory still comes in my dreams. I wake up and my arms long to hold you. My heart misses you. And my body desires you.

It’s Thursday night.

Autumn comes again. It was perhaps the happiest time of my life. Even when I was away to a business conference, you were here, in my home. I wanted you to feel home. I wanted you to feel like it was where you belong.

I wish you could have felt that. I always wanted you to feel love and be comfortable…. wanted.

Be well. You are always missed.

“Sometimes, you have to accept the reality that breaks your heart to try and find peace for your soul”

I feel like this a lot. I don’t want to accept what is an apparent truth. I still foolishly want to hold onto false hope.

Summer is ending too quickly. So many home chores not done, but when the nice days are around I’d rather go ride.

I think about you often. I saw your dog photo. It’s nice you have a companion that is always happy when you are near.

Wishing you well.

I walked to the bank to make a deposit today. I still miss that you’re not here…. that you’re not mine.

Somtimes, I just need to settle for what I have and give up on what I want.

Happy Birthday!

I hope you can have a happy day and I look forward to seeing you next week.

I got my old red motorcycle out, inspected, and rode it most of yesterday. It seemed so small. Maybe I’m just a little bigger now.

It reminded me of riding with you.

I remembered riding around the bay, stopping for a beer. I remember when times were good. I hope you have those good times now.

You are still in my heart. I just want you to be happy.

I think your life is grand, or at least much more ‘grand’ that it was.

You’ve come a long way

Remember where you started, the struggles. The challenge to live on $4 a day. Not having any reserves to fix your car or pay an unexpected bill. Yes, you’ve made great strides at improving your life, moving from difficult to comfortable.

Celebrate following your dreams

You set goals for your life, your career and you are succeeding. You are making it happen. Sure, not everything goes according to plan or at the right time. But, you’ve done it. You took back your life, your career. So, yes, your life is grand. You’ve found someone that loves you and that you love enough to marry. Sure, maybe not perfect, but what you wanted at the time.

I see you smile, I hear your voice

You look happy. You have the job, the car, remodeling the house (like you wanted to do), and things in your life are much better than they were. And probably better than they ever could have been here with me.

I hear your voice and I hear happiness, even when complaining about contractors and crummy paint jobs. You have a lot to be happy about. You worked hard for this.

Leaving the past behind

The past is just that… I should not be dangling strings of regret or despair from the past, but I should celebrate you chasing your dreams and reaching your goals. It serves no good to bring up history. We should just move forward. Things are the way they are for a reason.

I will always love you

While there is no reason to look back to our past, the fact is I will always love you. I try to be grateful for the times we had together. I have been counting the days to send you a birthday card—to remind you I still care.

Be well, and I look forward to seeing you in July. Let me know what day/time works for you and I’ll try to make as much time as possible.