Trial of Love

It seems the news is more dire every day. I hope you are healthy and keeping yourself as safe as possible. I look to see if there are any confirmed novel coronavirus cases in your area.

My oldest is sick, but not sick enough to screen (yet). The hazards of working the streets I guess. Probably a cold, but still concerning. I’ve been coughing and sneezing, but it is time for spring allergies to start.

I hope your world and the people you love have little effect from this.

I don’t tell anyone I love them, because I still love you.

As I read your story, I am so sad that you are not happy. I always wanted you to find your dream, your peace. I know sometimes you may not believe that. The more I seem be gone away, the more I am thinking about you. When you think I don’t care anymore, is when I care more than I should.

I understand depressions and hopelessness. I was there, at rock bottom when an angel – YOU – sent one simple message that gave me hope. “What happened to you?” brought me back to a world of possibility. It was the start of an emotionally wild and both difficult and happy period in my life.

I certainly did not ever consider things would turn out as they are now. I thought if I loved you enough, we could overcome anything.

I’ve tried to still love and support you well knowing you will never come back or be with me again. But, it appears I’ve become an emotion sucking vampire that instead of helping just brings more turmoil and pain.

I want you to be happy. But, of course, I want me to be happy too. And, I agree, maybe neither of us will be happy again. Even though we were together for less months than the years we’ve been apart since, it remains the happiest I’ve ever been. It was easy to love you and I wanted to be with you every night (and it wasn’t just sex).

I will always love you. But, I will always regret your leaving. Reading your story makes me sad you are in pain, and makes me sad that I was not enough for you. I encourage you to continue to write and post. Sometimes just writing down my feelings helps me deal with them. And sometimes the feelings I write down are only what I feel at that moment and then the dissolve away.

If there is something I can do, just ask. Because you know I’ll try my best to help you when I can.

Sorry I have been around….. Dad has been in the hospital with pancreatitis. Home now, but just real busy with him, pets, etc. Not to mention a little snow here last weekend.

I hope you have a good day today. At what ever you choose to do, I know you will do it with love and caring.

Be happy, find peace. Love, always.

I’m sitting in the Charlotte airport. It’s Monday afternoon, November 18. My flight is overbooked, and they’re looking for volunteers to fly tomorrow.

I think, maybe I should take the deal, rent a car and drive over. I concoct a plan.

I’ll rent a Hotel room. A hotel near your work. A room that I can see the windows from the parking lot or common area. I’ll get an extra key-card. I use the hotel stationery to write you a note – “I need you tonight. Come to me. Room xxx” I’ll put the note and keycard in an envelope and leave it on your windshield just after 10p.

Next stop, a lingerie store. Something similar to the outfit you wore in Glens Falls. And a blindfold. The box needs to be gift wrapped. Now back to the hotel.

I leave the box on the bed with a note: “Make yourself comfortable. Please open the box.” Inside the box is an other note – Take your time, get yourself ready. Please wear this. When you’re ready, flash the room lights twice.”

Then I wait. Will you come?

It seems I’m never far from thinking about you… wondering how you are doing. Even after all these years, I still miss holding you.

Somehow, I just keep thinking about Valentines Day. The time I sent you flowers. The time you ran off to Canada and I sat in your parking lot for nearly six hours wishing I could see you. And now.

I just have an overwhelming feeling….that I miss you. I feel like I want to send you calla lilies.

I know I can’t do that. You’re married. And I don’t want to be the ex that causes a shit storm. As well as I don’t want to cause my own shit storm here.

But, I still can’t stop wondering what would have happened if it was me that you married.

I’m wishing you happiness and joy throughout the year. You’re always on my mind, in my prayers.

Merry Christmas.

I hope you are having a wonderful day. You deserve to be happy. It is a white Christmas here, if only by an inch or so of snow.

It’s a typical Christmas. Family dinner later and hopefully both kids will show up. They’re having extra drama this season as their mother’s house burned down last month.

I hope you hear from your kids, have a good day with family and memories of family.

Peace and Love

It was seven years ago. You were standing on the other side of the counter, deep dark eyes and a hint of a smile. We often made small talk. I looked you up on line… but “its complicated” was all I found.

It is always complicated. And, I still love you. I wish you happiness and peace.