Trial of Love

Check out the comment on https://trialoflove.com/i-wish-i-could/ – that was a great day for me. [6 years ago]

I was just scrolling through pictures and saw the one of your moving day. I miss you.

Wishing you well and warm thoughts.

After a very busy couple of weeks with work and construction, I finally got a few minutes to just try and catch up. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m hoping you are feeling well and finding some joy in life.

I can’t help but feel that this home project of mine would have been more fun with you. I always was a dreamer… now its time to be a do-er.

Things have changed quite a bit with the plans. It started with a simple addition – a bedroom for dad – and just keeps growing. We expanded the addition to include more living area beyond the bedroom and bathroom. Then Dad insisted he needed a kitchenette, so I’m remodeling my old kitchen for him and installing a new kitchen in what was my laundry room and office.

The office moved downstairs, but not before we flooded (heavy rain before the addition was water tight) and had to rip out all the carpet and drywall. So, new walls are up. I might wait to install the floor until winter (it is outside my budget plan).

Meanwhile, the new kitchen cabinets should arrive in this month and I have some landscaping to do. The boys helped my remove three more trees outback and the branch pile will take weeks of dump trips.

And, as long as I’m at it, I’m having the windows and doors replaced and the house sided. It just seemed like it was the right time after replacing the roof last week (missed with a tree! lol).

The only thing that remains original is the calla lilies lamp globes in my bedroom. Every time I look up and see them, I think of you and smile.

Wishing you well, much love.

Every time I see a black Ford sedan on the road, I get just a second of pulled back in time to feelings of love and purpose. Thinking of you often, wishing you well.

Happy Birthday. All my good intentions to send a card to arrive on time have slipped away in the stress of dealing with dad and builders and work and everything else in life that just seems to eat away the minutes. I’m sorry it will be late.

I though about sending you flowers, but figured it could cause more problems than good feelings. (Am I wrong?)

I was glad you called me. I thought about trying to interrupt your plans and ask to see you –but that seemed foolish for both you and me.

I hope you have (or had) a wonderful celebration with calls and messages from friends and family.

Give your pet a hug. Love and best wishes always.

I always liked laundry day. I know you think that is crazy. But it was special because it was so normal. Sitting in the laundromat and just chatting over coffee just felt normal – no expectations, no drama. It was a time to be with you. And I wanted to be with you every minute you would let me.

"I think it's time for [me] to slowly disappear. I will quietly walk away. I won't contact you, bother you. I will not tell you when I will be in XX, and I will not talk to you unless you speak to me first.... Good luck! Please stay safe!"

I’m sad. You have been disappearing from me for years, but now even the last bits seem to be going away. I struggle about contacting you. I feel like an intrusion into your life (and I always have felt that). You’ve told me in the past not to contact you. You’ve moved away, moved on, and settled down. I know that you are unhappy at times – as you have told me.

When I write, it feels like I am saying the wrong things. Or at least things that can be taken the wrong way. So, I will try to be as clear as possible.

• I want you to be happy
• I don’t want to be a distraction or annoyance
• I don’t want to interfere with your pursuit of your own joy
• I understand you will never return, and I need to accept that
• I am not trying to impose my opinions on you. When I say something, it is my observation or feeling, not me telling you how you feel or should feel.
• I loved you in a way that is special to only you. I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love you. And I will always love you.

I know that what I want is impossible. And after six years you’d think I’d learn my lesson. Mostly, I don’t want to be sad anymore.

So, I don’t know where to go or what to do from here, other than just get up each morning and find a way through the day. I believe this is similar to your struggle – trying to get through each day to reach the next. (I am not saying it is, just that this is my observation.)

I didn’t sleep last night. Just tossing and turning. This seems to be normal now.

Sometimes I write just to get things out. I’m tired of keeping things inside. But, there are many things I must keep to myself. No one would understand my feelings after so long.

There is a part of me that still believes we will be together someday. But, you have made it clear that won’t happen. You are married, and in love. I heard that in your voice last night. Still, I keep hoping for someday. Or maybe in a next life (if there is such a thing).

I also understand that our current situations are not all we hoped they would be.

I can’t help but remember how well we fit together at night. How easy it was to hold you. But, relationships are a negotiation. Get something, give something up. Too bad it seems we’ve both given up frequent sex. (I can’t help but smile when I think about how we were. I hope you enjoyed it.)

So, I understand when you need to vent. I also appreciate your trying to stay positive.

Maybe someday I’ll give up the silly notion of us being together.

So, that was a surprising text to wake up to Sunday morning.

"...I'm ready to come back to..."

I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Are you really thinking about coming home? Or is this just me taking something out of context? Not following the joke?

Spring here is depressing. Besides all the coronavirus crap – which has a significant impact – the rest of spring is pretty drab as well.

All of my relatives are isolating, and a few are sick but not likely COVID-19. More apt to be a cold or flu. But no family gatherings. I’m missing my Wednesday beers as well.  But, life goes on.

We’ve not had nice weather yet. I haven’t had the dog in a month. And working at home is just as bad as going to work. However, I think my co-workers are only putting in a few hours a day at best.

I hope things are looking up down your way. Have people taken the message to heart and staying home?

Be well. I think about you often.

 

It was 7 years ago today we met for lunch. I kissed you. I never wanted to let go.

I’m sorry I was selfish and could only love you if you were only mine. I know you need to be you, and have your own life, but I could only be there for you if you were solely mine.

I’m sorry I didn’t follow you. I wanted to, but as you are aware, I’m deeply anchored here. I’m sorry I am too selfish to leave this place.

I’m sorry I broke your heart. I know I wasn’t kind when you were going to ask me to go on a vacation with you. I was only thinking about myself, and not about your feelings. I lashed out from my own hurt when I should have really listened to you and your needs.

I’m sorry you’re in the shit thick of a mess right now. I always wanted you to be happy, and not miserable. I know that I also put my needs before your. Human nature? Maybe. But I still wish you could find peace and happiness (and I know for you that may mean being single with friends).

I’m sorry you’re so stressed right now. As if the current condition of the world isn’t bad enough, add on relationship problems is just crappy. I hope you keep safe and well.