Trial of Love

3:15 pm – I am at peace at the moment. Thank you for calling me and asking me to meet you at lunch. Hearing you like me gives me hope. I just pray it’s not false hope. Time will tell if you call me when you’re not drinking. But you weren’t drinking today. And, there was no way you were going to get away from me without a hug. I do truly love you. And thank you for letting me say that today.

Monday, June 30, 1:15 pm.

You asked me again how I could be in love with you. I always struggle to answer. I will work on this tonight so I can articulately explain how my feelings came to be, and possibly why. I know your deep brown eyes, strong personal responsibility ethic, and your perseverance are strong factors. Your willingness to forgive is also strong in making me fall in love with you.

Monday, 7:00 am.

Finally, the last day of June, and your self-declared worst month comes to an end. You did text me last night and I am tempted to read more into it than you may have meant. I so much want you in my life and I want to be a part of your life, an important part. I am sorry your move was not easy and that you fell. I hope you are well and not more than a bit bruised. I do thank you for passing through my life. You did make me think love and “happily ever-after” were possible. I do love you and I will try to give you the space you asked to have. Its just hard and lonely without you.

Sunday, 8:00 am.

Happy birthday my love. I so much wish I was with you and that I could comfort you and help you but I feel you don’t want that. I will send you a birthday greeting by email and then go to church. I hope church can bring me some peace. I know peace will be hard for you to find in the next few days, with all the turmoil in your life. But, I hope you can feel some peace and know you are always loved. My love and best wishes to you.

6/29/2014

Happy birthday my love. I hope you were able to have a few good moments on your birthday between your grief and the heat. I was hoping so much to hear from you but I knew it was unlikely. My heart aches more today then it did Friday or Saturday because I can not comfort you or speak with you. I am lonely and miss having you in my life. I was hoping you would call me and ask why I believe happily ever-after is possible. My answer is because I love you that much. I hope my wait for peace (for you and I) is not long. I pray to god for you and me, and ask for a sign. I thanked god when you came into my life. You delivered me from sadness and brought me joy, happiness, and a renewed faith in love. I love you!

Saturday, 9:45 pm.
Dearest, your step dad died today, and you sent me that text. I so much wanted to come find you and hug you. I wanted to be the shoulder you cry on. I emailed you my heart, but your reply felt distant. I feel there is no emotion from you but it is so hard to tell without hearing your voice. I’m not sure why you sent me a text early today (Saturday) to say you were moving. I knew. Did you want me to react? I miss you and my heart aches for you. I feel I will love you always. I can only hope that someday I am able to move on without you. I’m not sure if I should email you again or not. I am tired but I hope you call. -goodnight.

1 Comment:

Her – Just reread this….what a horrible addition to my already horrible month! I still try to skip June (Jan 27, 2017)

Saturday, 9:50 am.

I didn’t sleep last night so I tried to sleep this morning. I wish you well but I must limit any contact for you and for me. I am being sucked back into the darkness and I don’t want to be that mess. Good luck with your move. I love you, and I always will. I just need to stop needing you.

11:10 pm

We exchanged a few text messages today. You said you want me to find happiness. I did! When I was with you. I want you in my life, but I still want you as a lover – a dedicated, monogamous love. I am sorry about all the stress in your life at this time, so I will try to keep from adding to it.

Friday, June 27, 12:45p. I am out walking Church Street at lunch and I want so much to walk by your work to try and get a glimpse of you. But I’m afraid that would be too creepy. And even if it wasn’t it might set me back and into tears. I still feel so lonely, but less sad today. I hope I can keep myself busy through the weekend. I am planning to send you a happy birthday email, but maybe I’ll have more strength by then and will be able to resist. Still hopelessly in love.

7:15 am.
I was finally able to sleep a few hours this morning. Today’s goal is to stop checking Facebook chat and stop writing texts (which I write and erase almost every half hour). I was awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how we spent that Sunday afternoon on the bike, and then that evening in my bed. I wish we could have stayed next to each other longer. I miss you my love. I hope your move goes well tomorrow.