Trial of Love

Saturday, 9:50 am.

I didn’t sleep last night so I tried to sleep this morning. I wish you well but I must limit any contact for you and for me. I am being sucked back into the darkness and I don’t want to be that mess. Good luck with your move. I love you, and I always will. I just need to stop needing you.

11:10 pm

We exchanged a few text messages today. You said you want me to find happiness. I did! When I was with you. I want you in my life, but I still want you as a lover – a dedicated, monogamous love. I am sorry about all the stress in your life at this time, so I will try to keep from adding to it.

Friday, June 27, 12:45p. I am out walking Church Street at lunch and I want so much to walk by your work to try and get a glimpse of you. But I’m afraid that would be too creepy. And even if it wasn’t it might set me back and into tears. I still feel so lonely, but less sad today. I hope I can keep myself busy through the weekend. I am planning to send you a happy birthday email, but maybe I’ll have more strength by then and will be able to resist. Still hopelessly in love.

7:15 am.
I was finally able to sleep a few hours this morning. Today’s goal is to stop checking Facebook chat and stop writing texts (which I write and erase almost every half hour). I was awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how we spent that Sunday afternoon on the bike, and then that evening in my bed. I wish we could have stayed next to each other longer. I miss you my love. I hope your move goes well tomorrow.

9:50 pm; I am doing better tonight but still missing you greatly. I want you so badly to want me. I know things are bad, and my heart cries and screams. I am thinking I will text you on Sunday and wish you happy birthday. Maybe I’ll have the strength by then to not text you. I wish I knew if you are sad or getting mad at me, or if you are relieved I’m out of your life. I hate the unknown and this loneliness. I love you so much that I must do what is best for you. I hope I sleep. Goodnight.

6:36 pm: I need to make a bank deposit but didn’t dare. I was afraid I would cry and you wouldn’t. I hope you get drunk and call me. I’m thinking I will drop the deposit in the night slot. Then you might see that I was there and call me an ass. At least then you would call me something. I’m still struggling to find peace, still trying to find a future with you in my life.

3:28 pm: I’m having a meltdown in my head, I’m almost in tears. I am in tears. I want so much to reach out to you. But I don’t want to bring you to tears. What do I do? If I can just hear your voice.

“Nothing left to do but shave my head”

1:45 pm. Am I pitiful yet? You would hate how needy I feel. You were here once, loving someone that in the end, didn’t love you. It sucks. Yes, I placed all my eggs in the ***** basket. I just wanted a little in return.

Thursday, 6/26 at noon: I had therapy this morning and realize I need to accept a life without you in it. I keep expecting you to text or chat. I guess either you are as sad as I am or you are happier without me. I am not happier without you. I am just as miserable as Monday night. He (therapist) said I should not contact you – for your sake as well as mine. He said if I really cared about you I would let you go. It’s just so hard. I am sad and lonely. I still hope you contact me. I was going to text you on your birthday just to say hi, but He thinks that is a bad idea as well. I put in my calendar to send you a friend request on September first. Maybe we will see each other then. If I can just hold on.

Therapy this morning and see what advice he has for me. I may need antidepressants, but I don’t want to be emotionally dead. I wish I could live in your gray world – without boundaries or rules. My heart aches and I am lost. I thought we had love.