Trial of Love

Dearest,

I didn’t mean to sound pessimistic this morning. I’m feeling a bout of reality. I have dreams that someday you’ll love me, but today I feel it’s time to stop being the dreamer.

Maybe you will fall in love with me. But for now, I should stop dreaming of an uncertain future and just be grateful for the present.

Yes, I missed you last night (already!). We’ve spent the last three nights and four days together. (Until last night). I was really enjoying your company. But not having any plans with you this week made me miss you.

Have a good day, and know that I care for you deeply. All my best, as you inspire me. But someday I’ll learn to not dream that I can be loved.

Dearest,

I am happy. I am truly happy with you in my life. I feel we are at the start of a good path. I hope we can travel this journey together for a long time.

Could I be happier – probably not. Yes, at times you feel I am impatient or I push a little. I’m not afraid to ask for what I want – which is everything. I want all of you.

Happiest? I only want to make you happy as well. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

What is there to be confused about? We keep coming back to each other. I want you. Even if I’m mad, I want you. You know how I feel – I hope you can believe me.

I understand we have a lot of work to do, and I hope we can do that together. I hope you don’t regret inviting me over. I don’t regret coming to you. Holding you, kissing you, is always my desire. You can drive me nuts at times and not always in a bad way!

So, I know you are confused, but I don’t know if that confusion is with me, or in your own emotions. If you want clarity from me, just ask.

If I don’t get to say anything else – thank you! Thank you for letting me back in your life.

“we’re not there yet”

That was your reply at lunch when we discussed what your options are if you miss the bus and get stuck in town. My first thought was how could we not be in a place where I am your back up, your ride home if you need it. And, my second thought was “where do we need to be” for you? I realize you were thinking I was saying the back up plan was you could stay with me.

But, where do you think we need to be? Was that statement a reference to we are not in a place where you would be comfortable spending the night with me (in my bed)? Or, that we need to go the other direction until I no longer want you in my bed? Such few words bring so many swirling thoughts.

On the latter, I wish we could have had the casual relationship you wanted. The one where you are at ease, and can come and go without feeling pressure or intensity. You asked a loaded question this morning, “How did YOU do that?” My answer was just as loaded – by not being able to create an atmosphere that made you comfortable. I know, I am not responsible for you sleeping on the couch, but yes, I wish the situation was better.

I look forward to our talk on Sunday. Not because it will be easy, but because it will give me direction. All my love to you.

Thanks for coming to lunch. Too bad they put onions on your plate. I hope you had no effects from it.

I know there is a lot we both are waiting to say, that we feel we need to say. Therapy was hard for me today because I haven’t progressed and I’ve been avoiding making some hard decisions. I could see the frustration in Matt’s face as I told him about the events of the last three weeks.

I like our time together. I truly enjoyed seeing you, even though I often want more. I have no read on your or our situation. I worry about what our next conversation will bring, or if we will even make it to a conversation before you run away.

As for the deposit today – it is only because your car set you back. And it is only for a few days. Please don’t read into it that I am “taking care” of you or somehow taking away your ability to take care of yourself. I know you can take care of yourself. I just don’t see why it should be so hard on you when it doesn’t need to be difficult.

And, yes, you heard me last night. I was hoping you would call anyway. Maybe someday you’ll appreciate that someone cares about you.

I am often judged by my past. Right or wrong, it is how most people see me. Not for who I am, but for I was. You were more kind. But, I am still judged by my past, and by your past. I hope someday you can judge me based on my interactions with you.

Have you ever been really angry with one of your children? So upset that you had to take a time out to cool off? And still, you know your love for your child is unwavering. That is true love. I would have been there for you anytime you ask. Even if I am angry, feeling hurt, or upset – it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Sometimes, we need to measure love for someone by how we feel without them rather than how we feel with them.

I think of you ev’ry night and day
You took my heart and you took my pride away
I hate myself for loving you
Can’t break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That’s why I hate myself for loving you

I still love you.

You say you don’t feel connected to me, yet you never made any effort to connect. Did you ever invite me to go along with you and your friends? Did you ever introduce me to any of your family. NO! You hid me away because you didn’t want to be connected to me.

I get to be angry about being jerked around. You still haven’t explained what happened or why so so drastically changed from Wednesday wanting to see me to Thursday’s not wanting to ever see me again. That sucks!

My heart is shattered and my soul turns black with sadness. I can barely function and just want the night to close in and take me away. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I loved you. You said you wanted to see me. Then you dumped me without any warning. We were not friends. You never treated me like a friend. I was more than a friend to you. I tried to be everything you needed. But in the end, I was nothing you wanted.

Can you even explain why? You ramble about not being able to love, and maybe one day. Is that just to lead me along? Make up your mind and have the courage to tell the truth.

I once told you I never wanted to be married again because I never wanted to be divorced again. I will never give my heart away again because I never want to feel this broken and used. The pain is inhumane.

I will become like you. Unable to love. Out for myself – selfish and unapologetic. I will get all I can get and not care who gets hurt along the way. I have given too much, worn my heart on my sleeve, and tried to hard to be the good guy, the nice guy. All it has brought is pain and suffering. I have no heart left to give – it is shattered into a million pieces, unable to heal.

You sent an email that you missed me today. I once thought you were an angel. Did you miss me? Like a cat misses toying with a mouse? How can you miss me, you never wanted me. I was just your play thing, something to keep you entertained until you found something better. Just an other name in a long string of names of broken hearts. You were too uncaring to even notice the ex crying over breakfast. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find a new toy to play with. God help him.

I should thank you for teaching me that I am unlovable, and to not even try. And, yes, it is about me. Its about how you treated me. Saying its you doesn’t help at all.

I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to hold your hand forever. I guess you couldn’t handle that.

I wish I could understand what happened between Wednesday night when you said “I really want to see you” and Thursday night when you said “I don’t want to date you”.

You are cruel and careless with my emotions. You only want me when it suits you, and you don’t care about the damage you do when you decide you don’t want me anymore.

You ripped my heart out and shattered it. Then you tried to do it again. You say you don’t remember parts of what you said on Thursday. Even if you don’t, it doesn’t excuse the pain and suffering you caused. I loved you completely, and you took advantage of me.

If you read this, you still owe me $40 for your bus pass, and I expect to be paid. The almond milk is a gift. My heart is not.