Trial of Love

I’m sorry I upset you tonight. But, I don’t know if we are friends. To me, we are so much more. We are lovers. We are more deeply connected than friends. And I am not sure I am strong enough to be your friend. How do I encourage you to follow your dream when it leaves me behind? Can I be a good enough friend to hold you up, and not hold you back?

I came to visit you on Saturday – I thought I was taking your hint that you called out sick and would be home all day. I came because I want you in my life, and I don’t know how to figure that out. I came to see if you want me.

We had sex, and I was a jerk – because I was afraid that if you saw how much being with you means to me, it would scare you away again. I wanted you to think I would be ok. That it didn’t matter – but it matters a great deal. When I hold you and feel you react, when I grab you and pull you close and you kiss me – it matters.

I was very confused yesterday and today. You almost acted like were still together. Joking about you being my Christmas present. Are we together? Are we still apart?

I know you don’t know what you want. I wish you did, and I know you wish you could tell me. But, sometimes I wonder are you keeping me around just in case you decide you want me – or can’t find someone better? I know this is unfair. I am afraid of being the fool. Afraid of giving my heart away to you again only to have it shattered beyond repair.

I hope we can figure this out, in a way that doesn’t hurt either of us, and gives us both joy and peace.

I love you. I did not want to make you angry or upset. I was just trying to be honest – I don’t know what we are.

I wish I was the one that could hug you enough to bring all the broken pieces back together.

I wanted to text you and ask if you are o-k, made it home safe, ask about your schedule – but mostly to see if you are wiling to talk to me. I want you in my life but I haven’t figured out how to do that, yet.

I wish you would just “come back” to being with me, but I know that didn’t work for you. I am here if you want me – here to just be the one you let know you arrived safe or talk to about your day. I love you and care about you.

I don’t mean to seem rude or distant, but I can’t figure out how to handle life without you, or how to have you in my life and not feel the hurt and loss.

A lot has happened this week, and yet I keep coming back to wishing you were with me. I love you and I don’t know what to do with that love. And I don’t want to push you further away or make you feel bad.

If you ever want me or need anything, you know how to reach me. I won’t avoid you, but I’m afraid to try and contact you – afraid of more rejection. I’m sorry.

First, I want to thank you for speaking with me Thursday night and your message on Friday.

Yes, I do want to try and get back together. And I thank you for offering. But, what I want isn’t the issue here. I don’t want it to be false. And frankly, under the circumstances, I would just be more stressed wondering when you are going to leave me again.

If you ever decide you’d like to try again – please don’t be afraid to ask. I love you and I would like to find a way to have a relationship with you that works for you and me. And if you decide it is what you want, then we would be starting in a different place.

But for now, I need to accept the reality that we are not in a relationship and I can not expect you to feel any differently about me. I have stopped carrying the coin that I found after our first few dates. I kept it in my pocket as a constant reminder of your kindness and my love for you. A safety blanket of sorts that reminded me there was someone who cared about me and someone for me to care about.

I welcome your occasional text or comments, but I don’t feel I should be chasing you because I will only make things worse for you and me.

Be well, and know you are truly loved (even if you don’t want it).

I just don’t really understand what changed between September and October. Was it something I did or didn’t do? I thought and felt you were in love with me, and then it seems to have just evaporated. I could understand if I had been a cheat or abuser – but to just have your love disappear is crushing my soul.

I don’t fault you, because we all need to follow our feelings. I just wish I could understand how they seemed to change so quickly.

1 Comment: Her – Nothing changed, I am just not happy. I did not want a relationship, I had said that from the beginning. I tried, I truly did. And it is not always about love…… It’s about being yourself, I don’t feel like I had been myself for a long time. I need to be myself before I can be a couple. I do love you, but I am not sure I am in love with you. I think you are wonderful, and you have a lot to offer. Yes, you can be slightly overbearing, and sometimes you are a little clingy…. These are things I don’t deal will with. I don’t know if I can explain this. I don’t know if I am explaining it well right now….. 12/3/2014

I feel hurt, angry, alone, and hopeless. I’ve been told I’m not loved or lovable – that I am to difficult and demanding to maintain a relationship. I am barely able to hold myself together. Tears come streaming down my face without warning. I long to retreat to bed but sleep escapes me. I drink to numb my mind and body, but the effects are temporary and the tears return.

I can not say or do the right thing. I feel like a failure at all things. I try to show compassion and caring but incite anger. I pray that god delivers me from this hell.

1 Comment: Her – You are loved. You just don’t understand that what is right for you may not be right for me. I have not been happy for a while. I could continue to be unhappy, just to make you happy, but in the end that is unfair to everyone. It is living a lie. I had always said I did not want what you wanted.

I do love you, but it is not the kind of love you had for me. That would not be fair to you. I wish we could remain friends, but that is impossible for you. Where does that leave us? Lonely? Confused? Hurt? Angry? Lost?

 

All I can do is continue to say I am sorry. 12/02/2014

I feel like there is nothing I can ever do right by you. I brought your stuff up to your apartment to save you from having to come and get it. But instead of thank you I get criticized for doing so. I buy a bed cover, but all I hear is that it’s the wrong one. I bought you a replacement phone and you object. I give you gifts and you seem to resent that I can do that.

This is why I was not surprised you dumped me. There was nothing I could do or say that was right. And it hurts that you think so little of me that you always assume the worst instead of accepting that I made an effort to try and make your life easier or better.

I don’t wan to fight with you. I wish I could hug you, but I know you don’t want me. I will try to accept this, but it takes time and tears.

Not a two way street. I didn’t kiss anyone else and I didn’t stop loving you.

I am not surprised you broke up with me, but I am still devastated. Its all I can do to function. You have sent email and a few texts – but I fall apart every time I see your name on my phone.

I brought your stuff to you so you wouldn’t need to come here. I know you didn’t want to face it.

I am not sorry I love you. I still think it is the right thing, even if you can’t love me. I should know by now that I am not lovable.

I wish you well, but I need time to try and recover from the pain. I’m sure I will see you, and I will want to try and engage you in conversation, but it won’t work for now.

I just need a little time and space to get used to being alone again.