Trial of Love

It is easy for me to give all of myself. It was not all the chase (although I admit that some chasing was good), and not all the capture – I get pleasure from giving to you and seeing you smile.

I was unkind Sunday and I am sorry that I had to be that way. I finally told you the truth. You made some tough statements and asked some difficult questions.

Are there different types of love? You feel so. But what love is there that pushes people away? Am I on trial to see if I can really love you, no matter how badly you treat me and punish me for your past relationships? I have told you I love you, and I will always be there if you need me. I am not sure I can hang around when you don’t need me and don’t want me as part of your life. The fool waits, always in pain and never happy. I have been a fool.

So why do I continue with you? Are you worth it? The answer is very simple – I am in love with you. If you don’t know why, just follow the link – it explains why I love you. The reasons I love you are unchanged, only diminished. Are you worth it? I thought so. Everyone is worthy of love. But if you don’t want me to love you (and sometimes you make me feel you don’t), then I need to stop.

You feel we don’t have any common ground. We do. But we lack commonality on the thing most important to you – that you don’t want a relationship and I do. Yes, this is our biggest barrier. But, you keep calling me back. And I keep coming back – because I love you, I want you, and I used to think that you wanted me too.

You told how your past is full of people looking to date but not commit to a relationship, only to find them in relationships after dating you. You shared your pain about this. Maybe this makes you not want a relationship so you can say you didn’t want it anyway. But this is my pain as you know and my insecurity. You say you don’t want a relationship. Am i going to find you in a relationship with someone else soon. Are you telling me the same thing you’ve been hearing in your past? That its me that is not good enough?

You said you have been “unsettled” for several years. Is it that you don’t want to settle for me? That you don’t want to settle-down in a relationship? Are you so afraid of relationships that you can’t even think about having one, or is it me?

My past does dictate much of my future. I make my rules to protect people I care about. I will not act recklessly. That said, I think my rules are manageable. Yes, my problems will become a burden on any partner I have. But that is a price of partnership. Partners share burdens and look out for each other. I hope I am able to bring enough other joys to make this sorrow bearable. I call bullshit on this, because you are projecting problems that don’t exist.

In anticipation of our talk, I prepared a few points for discussion. We covered most of them. Here they are so you can have my notes just like I have yours.

• I feel like you are needing to say your final good-bye to me. Have I been the fool?
• I feel I’ve been played. I have given all I can. You have not honored your promises. As an example, you have not paid your car rental. You said you would pay before you left, but I insisted you wait until your return in case you had any unexpected expenses. Upon your return you promised to pay me, but time passed and no further action. I was afraid to mention it because I didn’t want to drive you away or sound petty. But now I feel played – that I never mattered enough for you to even honor that promise. Its not about the money, but about how you treat me and how you make me feel.
• You are emotionally immature. You need to take some responsibility for your feelings and actions and how they effect others. You walked away from me. Why come back? To walk away again? Make a decision. And live with the outcome. Stop saying the problem is how someone else feels, and make a decision for yourself. I know writing this will likely make your decision one I won’t like, but I’m approaching the point where any decision is better than the limbo I’ve been stuck in.
• Stop thinking you can bend me to fit your ideal of a sometimes friend and sometimes lover that won’t be hurt if you date other people. I am hurt, have been hurt. I am not flexible enough to bend to what you need. I simply break.
• Stop using cancer as an excuse to avoid tomorrow and only think about today. This seems incredibly unfair as I write this. But you have tomorrows. The people who care for you have tomorrows. Those tomorrows are as important as today. You can live for today and still believe in tomorrow.
• Caving into others? Do you cave into your family’s opinion and dump me? Do you listen to Gina? You accused me of saying you couldn’t think for yourself. And yet you tell me that the opinions of family effect your feelings about being with me. Are you caving? Or are you using them as the excuse so you don’t need to make the decision or reveal your true feelings? I don’t know, but I worry about this. And when I tell you I worry about this you say I don’t think you can think for yourself. That is not what I meant. But, yes, I worry about how others perceive me and how they will try to convince you to stay away from me.
• Facebook – you’re right, there is no winning there. If I am your friend then I will be sad when I see you moving on with life without me. And when you un-friend me, I feel you are hiding that you are moving on with your life without me and cutting me away. There is no good answer for this.
• Drunk you: You used to call me or text me when you were drunk and tell me you still wanted me. You said it was hard to lie when you’re drunk. But no more. Now you just say you don’t want me when you’re drunk. Why would you want me when you’re sober?

So, where do we go from here? This is your bus – you need to decide. When I decided it didn’t work out. Maybe you will have better luck.

All I can say it that I still love you and care about you. If you need me I will be there for you. But if you want me, you need to make that decision soon.I can’t live in the gray – its like a blind person without walls.

1 Comment:

Her 1/12/2015 11:06:48 am
Yes, that was pretty ugly, but I appreciate your honesty. It must have been hard writing that knowing I would read it. You make so many valid points. I have never had anyone care enough to point out the bad things about me. I know that sounds crazy, but if you were in my head you would understand. I have a lot to think about, ponder and discuss. I have many things I need to take ownership of. I will be in touch….I hope you are still willing to listen.

thank you, but I worry about you.

We met, we talked, we cried. I was an ass, you were a bitch. We cried again. We kissed. We parted.

Did you get any closer to finding what you are looking for? I challenged you to find me someone else if you don’t want a relationship with me. That seemed to raise a lot of feelings for you. Did you know you had those feelings? Now you know how I will feel if you date someone else.

I love you. I want you. But we can’t keep going on like this. I can’t keep going on like this. Do you text me?

What will the day bring?

Yes, I am concerned about Sunday. I try to keep an open mind and I will try to listen, but my expectations are low. If it were good news for me you would have just told me outright.

I miss you and you know I want you in my life, but that may not be possible. I will come (if you still want me to) on Sunday and listen. I may need a while to formulate my response. No matter what we say or how we move forward from here, I loved you.

** I see I have been dropped again as your friend. I feel like you are building separation – maybe the separation you need. I feel at a loss.

2 Comments:

Her – 1/10/2015 12:09:47 pm
You commented on a post when you saw me so I unfriended you. I didn’t want you to be hurt, and I knew you were. I know you prefer if I stay home and not talk to anyone, but that is not me….

Her 1/11/2015 09:58:45 am
Thank you for being so honest today. I have cried some more. My mom would say my eyes look like “2 piss holes in the snow”. I appreciate you coming here and talking. I am sorry that I hurt you!

I just don’t know what to do. I try to act normal, pretend things will work out, but at each turn I feel more sadness. I forced myself out of bed today to go to church, only to have my car die. I walked down to work to try and keep my mind busy, but I am cluttered with thoughts of you – good thoughts of past times and prayers for you.

I know life moves on and time marches past. Thank you for your comments, at least I feel like you don’t hate me. As for the photo – its of a great time we had together, and that isn’t recognizable. My other photos of you I keep for myself, not to share with the world.

1 Comment: Her – I have no reason to hate you. I care about you. I love you. I just don’t want a relationship. You cannot handle that. It puts at am impasse…… 1/4/15

I hope you are well. I wanted to comment on your Facebook post but felt you may not welcome me yet. I am lost waiting for you. I switch from computer to phone and back to computer checking to see if you’ve sent me a note, a text, or a comment. I have written so many messages to you, only to delete them. They all say the same thing in different ways: I miss you.

I’ll hang around a while longer, and life moves forward with or without me. All my best to you always.

1 Comment: Her – Thank you for the Facebook message. It is always nice to know someone worries about me. 1/3/16

I only said goodbye until you are ready to bring me back into your life- if that is what you decide. I will love you always. I want you and I don’t know if I can stop wanting you to be mine.

Dearest,

I understand how you feel. I really do. Although its not my experience between us, I get how you feel love was too fast.

So, how do we fill in the gaps? I am truly asking because I know we can’t go back, and I do want to build a relationship with you that will last a lifetime. I know that is scary for you, and that it is difficult because I am in love with you already. Just tell me how, and I’ll work hard.

When we first met you were very open and friendly. I reached out to you and tried to ask you out without success. But you came back and I tried again. I was smitten with you at our lunch date. You were beautiful sitting at the table trying to stay neat with a messy lunch. You are still beautiful. We had hundreds of conversations and traded thousands of texts. You quickly became my best friend. I did fall in love quickly. Because you are easy to love and I care about you.

I know you are unsure about our physical relationship. Questioning whether that is all I care about. I do care about having a physical and sexual relationship with you. You have expressed that you are highly sexual and you enjoy physical contact. It is when I feel an unfiltered connection with you. I like holding you in my arms, being with you. For me, it is less about sex and more about feeling that you want me.

Thank you for trying to keep me around. I miss your texts in the morning. I drove by to see if you were at work safe. I didn’t see you, but since the doors were open I know you were there (because without you, that place will fall apart).

1 Comment: Her – You said goodbye. 1/1/16

I was just wondering if you ever think of including me in your life. I feel like I’m intruding when I have to ask to join you for a drink or go along with you.

I know you’re going to think I’m moody or pouting, and that just makes you pull away more. But, do you ever consider asking me to join you? I feel like you don’t want me to be around you with your friends or in public.

You said ‘ll last night you are reluctant to reach for my hand because you don’t want to be rejected. Is this the same thing? Or would I make you uncomfortable if I ask to go along with you? I’m just trying to find my place in your life.

1 Comment: Her – I don’t know where to begin…..I don’t ask you because I have said I don’t want to be in a relationship. Which would mean I don’t want a boyfriend. I know if I invited you out(let’s say I was headed out with the Joe’s) you would expect me to be with you(hold hands or be your “date”)…… I would no longer be the Kelly I am when you are not around. Several people have said I act different around you. I no longer know if I am the real Kelly with you or the real Kelly without you. It has become a blurred line. You want our lives to be integrated. I also try to be sensitive to what you are comfortable with. I did not do a good job of that at RiRa’s…..sorry. I told you I am not cut out for relationships, but you are designed to change that. Another thing, I have always said I go out with my friends, no matter who I am with. It was not my place to invite you. No one else brought a date. This is why I should not be in a relationship……… 12/28/2014