Trial of Love

It is just sad that you felt so worried about my reaction to you sending me flowers that you had to call and caution me that it really doesn’t mean anything. I guess I am just that pathetic. And maybe I am. But don’t worry – I get it! You’ll never love me and I should never expect anything more than cordial friendship in return from you.

The funny thing is this comes in the middle of a light conversation about me driving down for a weekend – maybe driving down on a Wednesday. Of course the weekend that would make most sense is Thanksgiving. But who wants to repeat last year’s disaster?

I feel like an emotional yo-yo. You pull me in when you want support and then chase me away when you get scared I am too clingy or needy. Wrong?

You are going back to your new home. You make small talk littered with hopeful statements of meeting in the future. Am I losing you? Is there something more?

I love you, and you may never believe it. I am sad at your leaving, but happy to have spent time with you. I look to you as we move forward in time to see if we move further apart.

Did that feeling return of feeling special? I want you to know you are special to me. And, that is why I met you at the airport. Not because you needed anything, or weren’t capable, but because you are special and should feel wanted and loved.

I know you have lots going on and too much to do in your 5-1/2 days back in town. I feel privileged to be spending Sunday afternoon, evening, and night with you. I hope you are able to rest (even sleeping at your mother’s), feel better, and have fun.

I fell in love with someone.

I know how she likes her coffee,
I know her favorite colors for jewelry,
I love the way she laughs,
Her heart beats a beautiful melody,
Her kisses are sweet, but she doesn’t want to kiss in public,
I am proud of her.

I never wanted to hurt her, only support her emotionally,
She has no flaws to me,
I want her every hour of every day.

But she didn’t fall in love with me.

I think of you often, and I’m glad when we can text or chat. It makes me feel better, but also it makes me miss you.

I know that if you were here, our situation wouldn’t really be any different. But I still love you. Yes, I have a small but impossible hope that someday you will love me too – and want to be with me.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know that for right now, I want to keep you in my life in some way.

I don’t know why, but when you send that text it seems so permanent. Like you’re done with me or trying to get further away from me. Text is the perfect way to miss-communicate. lol

I received your email today and was happy to be included in your plans. And, I know how you hate to make plans. A month seems so long. It has been a long three weeks (PLUS!) since you left. I know you’ve been busy, but I’ve felt your absence every day.

Miss you and wish you well.

How I wish you thought of me and here as home. Not that I want you to have such a miserable time that you feel overwhelmed.

I was nice talking with you today and helping you out with emails. I hope you call tonight.

All my love, and my best wishes.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it’s clear that you don’t feel the same way for me… the problem is that as much as I can’t force you to love me, I can’t force myself to stop loving you.

8/14/2015

My phone rang – just half a ring. Just enough to bring your picture up on the screen and then you were gone. Did you pocket dial me? I kept hoping you were going to call back. I was going to call you but was afraid the timing might be bad.

I’m sorry you are having a bad day and about your car window. I am here if you want to talk. I know, you said you didn’t want to cry. But sometimes a good cry helps.

Is it silly I looked at ticket prices to fly down labor day weekend? Yes, but I thought about it.

I know you have lots going on, and I’m not part of your new life. If you need a friendly voice feel free to call.

Love always

1 Comment:

Her 8/15/2015
Sometimes I feel out of place. It is worse when I am made to go places that my family has been invited to. I know they are trying to help me fit in, but I am starting to feel like an outcast. If I could find an easier site to work with….that’s mobile friendly I would blog about it.

Thank you for being there for me!

It is nearly dark when I get home from work. The street lights are on by the time I take Jax out for a walk. I like it better this way – I’m more invisible, hiding my emotions in the darkness.

As I walk I hope you will text or call. I think about texting or calling you, but somehow that doesn’t seem right. I know your family does not like me because of my past. And I don’t want to interrupt you – as your schedule must be changing all the time.

Time grows longer since I’ve heard from you and it makes me uneasy. I am afraid that as the time fades away you become more used to me not being in your life. I saw your post on Facebook, and wondered if I was the relationship that tried to make things easy but would never be right.

I hope you are well and feeling energized about your move and job search. I wish you the best and success.

Your friend always,