Thankful

I am thankful for every minute I was able to spend with you.

Although Thanksgiving day itself is not great (I mark it as the day you decided to break up), I am thankful for all the times we laughed, the drives we had together, and the nights I held you in my arms.

You saved me once, and I loved you so. We spent many days and nights discussing everything from taxes to dreams. I understand you need to follow your dream and take care of yourself. But I still miss the feel of you in my arms. Thoughts of you in my bed still haunt me.

I am thankful that we can still communicate sometimes, even if only this way. I miss you my love. I hope you enjoy family and have a wonderful day.

this always reminds me of you

 

 

Cold hard bitch
Just a kiss on the lips
And I was on my knees
I’m waiting give me

Not so much the title, but because I feel I am still waiting for you. Just one kiss was all it took for me to fall in love with you.

1 Comment

Her 11/19/2016 12:35:47 pm

Sorry. And the last time we saw each other, you kissed me!

Yup, still missing you

some things never seem to change…. like my dreams of you when I’m sleeping in a cold be.. remembering how it used to be.

I hope you are well.

1 Comment

her 10/27/2016 04:30:34 am

I am doing ok. Called out today. Don’t know if it’s the blues, allergies or the “I don’t give a fuck”….. But I am not even getting out of bed.

Hope you are doing well.

We all worry

We all worry about many things we just can’t control. What will happen in the future? Will this last? When will things change?

The truth is, you taught me to stop worrying so much because I can’t control or guard against most of it. But, think about what you say…. Would you really want someone that:

  • Fears permanency, in all forms
  • Might leave if they feel too needy, or
  • Might leave if they feel you are too needy
  • Will just throw it all away if they decide they want to live somewhere else
  • Doesn’t want to invest in a relationship, to make it easier to leave
  • Plans to leave, so as not to be left
  • Won’t promise to at least try

That seems to be the way you present it. Me, I prefer to love. I prefer to work hard at maintaining a relationship, giving it my all, and even sticking around when things are tough to try and make it better. Sure, I’m always afraid of being hurt, heartbroken, and of being the fool. Even with all the heartache in the past three years, I am glad I loved you. I don’t regret that. I am sorry things didn’t work out the way I wanted to, but I know I gave everything (or nearly everything) I could and did my best by you.

Right now, I feel I will never fall in love again like I did with you. And, I don’t really want to fall in love again. Same reason I never wanted to own another dog — to avoid the pain that comes as part of the package. But, I would fall in love with you all over again, because I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I wanted to please you more than you may ever believe. And, I would have held you until my last day on earth. I will hold you in my heart ‘til that day and more.

So, are you the way you are because you can’t care that deeply? Or because you don’t want to be hurt that much again? To some extent, I feel sorry for the woman I am dating now… because I will never fall in love with her – not the way I am in love with you. –

Swimming at work

Its been a busy week. I got a call Friday at 2am – water running out my office front door. It seems a toilet broke upstairs and flooded my office. I’ve been working 15 hour days trying to get things back to some resemblance of normal. Computers are finally working again.

I still think about you constantly. I was hoping you would write or text. I know you still have family visiting in the area, and probably rarely have a free minute to yourself.

I hope you’re having a good Autumn. I’m here.

2 Comments

Her 9/29/2016 03:50:50 am

Of course you are fixing the problems at work….. You are a fixer.

It is not autumn here. It starts at 70 and by noon it’s around 85. People are wearing boots and fleece because it is “so cold”.

I am missing VT. And yes, I am missing you. I never know if I should text, I do not want to make you sad.

Her 10/6/2016 11:37:33 am

Bored at work. Reading your old blog posts!

squirrel and nut

Sometimes, life feels completely out of control, lost, and even hopeless.

Life gets so crazy. We guess at every decision, wonder if what we are doing is right or wrong, or if it even matters. Life starts to spins, our minds search for meaning and our bodies search for a place of belonging. I know your life can feel completely nuts at time.

But, If you’re the nut, I’m the crazed squirrel that desires you to no end.

All my love, always (whether I want to love you or not).

All over again

I check my phone during the day and in the middle of the night. I wake up early, looking to see if you have written or commented. But, I know you have family with you, and are probably reasonably busy and content.

It was nearly a year since I last held you in my arms. And, just one hug had me falling in love all over again. But, now you are gone again. We have no plan, no roadmap, no promise to ever see each other again in our lives. My heart feels empty again. I feel lonely and can’t help but wonder, “what if…”

What if… I come to you?

What if… we run away?

But, I could never stop you from leaving. I know, you need to be your own person and find your own path.

Still, my heart wants you.

Be well and take care.

2 Comments

her 9/19/2016 06:05:26 pm
You could’ve…. If you tried. I will be moving in March…… No matter what!

Him 9/19/2016 06:08:10 pm
so, come home.