Trial of Love

This is my last day to go shopping. Christmas eve day will be full of church and family time, with no time to run errands. I hate shopping. The searching, crowds, buying crap. I’m glad you finally got your syrup. (I wish I could do more.)

When I look back, my favorite memories are dinner at the Blue Cat and bringing you flowers at the airport. You always deserve flowers at the airport! (And, not to give to your mother!)

What are your doing on Christmas? Working?

I’ve been walking around with your xmas card in my bag for the past week. I keep forgetting to mail it. I hope you will forgive me if it doesn’t arrive by Saturday. I wanted you to know I did’t forget – I could never forget you or how much you mean to me.

Be well. You are loved.

It’s very cold here today. The poor dog can only make it to the end of the driveway before his paw’s freeze up. I’m trying to get in the holiday spirit, but mostly feel as though its not worth doing. I mean, who wants to spend hundreds of dollars on things that aren’t wanted or appreciated?

I think of you often, but this is the darkest time of my memories of us. It is the time I was crushed and lonely. But I do have good memories of being with you Christmas eve. I hope those memories are good for you too.

I think about you often but don’t want to bother you. You dropped your social media so I have less of a clue as to how you are doing or feeling.

On a happy note – the thought of you still brings joy to my heart. I miss you my friend. Be well.

I’m still away, but today is the last day. Its a cold day with wind making more noise than the dishwasher. Christmas is in two weeks and I’ve done nothing to prepare. No gifts. No decorations. No plans with family.

I don’t want to be a scrooge, but I just don’t have any holiday spirit. I feel stuck just existing. Some of this is stress over money, work, and kids. The youngest is no holding up his promises, and that is causing friction.

I hope to find some holiday spirit, but I think all I found was a winter cold.

I think about you often, wonder how you are. Mostly, I miss being happy with you.

The church sermon was about pivoting, turning, and changing directions. The point was to reflect on all the changes in life that were good, but somehow I (and many others) seemed to lock on the changes that weren’t so good too.

Then, one very old lady that tends to speak her mind said we should be thankful for what we have and not dwell on what we lost. I know it can be especially difficult this time of year to be thankful when we are constantly reminded of what we’ve lost. But, I have always been thankful for meeting you.

Yes, I’ve dwelled on what happened and always wonder if it could have been different. Could there have been some point in time that the smallest change would have put us on a different path? Although we will never know, I still look for my missed opportunity.

But, I am thankful to have met you. Thankful to love you. And thankful you are still part of my life. Although we’re not together, it was you that saved me and showed me love can happen again.

It is this love that makes we wish you happiness and success. I do truly want you to be happy. Who knows what the future holds for each of us, or us together.

Love always, and prayers for both of us.

I’m sorry for any hurt or drama I may have caused in you life. I can only hope that I have somehow alleviated any unpleasantness by trying my best to help when I can. Life is never simple, uncomplicated, or down right easy.

Again, I hope you are well and happy.

Love always.

The gray days, loss of daylight, and the cold wind that chills to the bone. It all reminds me of the cold chill to my bones of losing you. Where did happiness go. Why did love leave? Or was it never here, only an illusion.

After years, I still feel the pain, the loss, and the sorrow. I miss you – but I still don’t know how to get back to when we seemed happy. I hope you are on the road to happiness, the path you wanted. I pray that you are able to be well, happy, and find what you seek – even if it is without me.

I support you in your decision to chase your dreams and live the life you need. If you didn’t love me, there was no reason to try and hang on.

Be well.

I fall back in love with you every time I see you. It’s like we pick up right where we were. Somehow all time stops and we just start up right where we were.

My heart breaks every time you leave. Not as much as before, but the pieces shatter a little more, the parts get harder to bring back together. Somehow, I still have strong feelings of love for you. I don’t think those will ever go away. I just try to let them rest in the back and not charge to the front of my existence.

It was good to see you, but not to see you unhappy. I wish I was the one that could bring you happiness. I tried (and tried). Somewhere, there is the happiness you desire and deserve.

I’ll be here, when you need an ear to rant to, or just want to know that yes, someone cares. I’ll pop up unexpectedly to brighten your day. But, I’ll try to not be a nuisance.

You have my love always. Smile. And charge on.

P.S. You still need to update your LinkedIn profile

I’m just wondering if, or how, we could have been different.

I just wanted to say hi and let you know I still think about you every day. I’m glad we exchange messages every so often. I am looking forward to seeing you when you come to town.