Trial of Love

A while ago you talked about approaching a certain age and wanting to be settled. You said you wanted a partner, a certainty in life.

I was there too. I was there when you left this state. I was there when a year went by and you told me not to contact you any more. I was there when a year had passed, then an other. I’m older than you.

I had wanted to be settled with you. But that was no longer an option. And yes, I was both lonely and alone. I sought a companion.

What you wouldn’t let me explain when I saw you a year ago was how I found and chose someone. As you noted, things here seem a little fucked up. So, let me explain.

First, I found someone that didn’t demand (or even need) a commitment. But someone that was ok with just living in the moment. We both understood that either could leave at anytime. And, with her divorce not final yet, it ensured that there would be no pressure to be anything more than a day-by-day experience.

Second, I found someone that would welcome you. I found someone I thought you would like and get along with. Someone that (at that time) understood I loved you first.

I know, different. But you see, I always thought of you in everything. If you recall, we talked about your desires.

The other reality, I was going broke. I could not afford to live by myself for much longer. Having a roommate has made things much easier – as I’m sure you understand.

So, companionship, economics, and utter loneliness (if not total fear of being alone) all shaped what happened.

I still love you. And, I always will. But, I am working on accepting what can’t be.

Did you ever notice the stamps on the cards I send you? I always try to get the ones that have special meaning to us.

Sometimes, it was just the regular stamp at the office. Sometimes, the post office would have the ones I wanted.

Just part of how much I care about you. I do want you to be happy. I am happy for you that you are finding your dream.

Part of the reason I didn’t want to get together earlier this month is that I didn’t want you to see me the way I am now. I gained weight. I look sad all the time. And I don’t hide my emotions very well.

I don’t want to be a bad memory. I want you to remember me as on the day you moved away.

But, still I post. I still miss you but I don’t know how to reconcile our two separate lives. I pray you are happy and well. I haven’t seen any news about where you live – so I hope things are good.

Be well.

I hope you had safe travels home and found it unscathed by the recent weather. I hope your visit was good catching up with friends and relatives. I’m sure coming ‘home’ has its ups and downs.

I think about you often, and always wish you the best in life.  Be well. I miss you.

A daydream, for hours it seems, I keep thinking of you, yeah thinking of you
These daydreams, what do they mean
They keep haunting me, are they warning me
Daylight turns into night
I try and find the answer, but it’s nowhere in sight
It’s always the same….

I am happy for you. You have found that thing your are looking for…on your terms. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own feelings, that I forget about the feelings of the people I care about.

It is difficult for me to chat with you as I still have strong and mixed feelings. You told me before that your partner does not want me to contact you. And I don’t want to be that ‘sad sack’ that just pulls you down or makes you sad. I truly want you to be happy and healthy. I always wanted that. (Even was is was not with me.)

I’m not trying to ignore your or blow you off…. I just haven’t thought of a way to be supportive and caring without sounding sad or lost.

I will always love you and am here for you if you ever need me.

I hope you have finished your move and are settling in. Perhaps this is the peace and happiness you’ve been searching for the last six years or so.

I always wanted you to be happy.

I’m just waiting for the sadness to go away.