Trial of Love

A daydream, for hours it seems, I keep thinking of you, yeah thinking of you
These daydreams, what do they mean
They keep haunting me, are they warning me
Daylight turns into night
I try and find the answer, but it’s nowhere in sight
It’s always the same….

I am happy for you. You have found that thing your are looking for…on your terms. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own feelings, that I forget about the feelings of the people I care about.

It is difficult for me to chat with you as I still have strong and mixed feelings. You told me before that your partner does not want me to contact you. And I don’t want to be that ‘sad sack’ that just pulls you down or makes you sad. I truly want you to be happy and healthy. I always wanted that. (Even was is was not with me.)

I’m not trying to ignore your or blow you off…. I just haven’t thought of a way to be supportive and caring without sounding sad or lost.

I will always love you and am here for you if you ever need me.

I hope you have finished your move and are settling in. Perhaps this is the peace and happiness you’ve been searching for the last six years or so.

I always wanted you to be happy.

I’m just waiting for the sadness to go away.

Well, that was a bomb-shell. As much as I am surprised, I know I shouldn’t be. Yes, you said you were going to start dating. And, I know how easy it is to fall in love with you.

And, yes, it seems we could never come together with you rooted there and me rooted here.

I am glad you’re happy. I’m not sure I fit in your life anymore.

I saw a plaque the other day that said “Bloom where you’re planted” – all I could think was “that is so not you”.

I’m trying to bloom where I am planted. I hope you are flowering where you are.

Hi, this weekend and Monday have been a nightmare. Friday and Sunday were washouts, and today not much better. I have water coming through the garage ceiling, and the job just keeps growing.

It only seems to stop raining for a few hours at a time. Not long enough to dry out or get much done. I’ve also not had the help I thought I would – but I’m not surprised at that. I just don’t want to be on the roof when no one is home or around.

I hope you had a much better weekend than me. You’ll have to tell me why men suck again.

Part of missing you is the inspiration you always gave me. I thought all things were possible when I was with you.

Be well. Smile when  you can. Don’t let the fools get to you.

It was really nice to hear from you today and call. After a long weekend working, it gave me a smile. 😉

I told you I would always be there for you as I am able… that I would always love you. I’m sorry you’re turning into such a big sap! lol It is good to see I can soften that tough exterior of yours every once in a while.

I hope you had a great day. Love always, me.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of research on getting out of state. Although I am done with my responsibilities here (with listing). Other states are far more restrictive. It seems nearly every state in the south is lifetime, and some have other restrictions – mostly housing.

I’ve also been job searching. No luck there either. I may go to Chicago in May and try to beg off a job at a tradeshow. Not sure the cost will be worth the try… but looking at it. I have to see if my local contact is open to the discussion.

Meanwhile, I am needed here. I am exhausted, but I’m glad I am able to be here when he needs me. Just as I wish I was there when you needed me.

As for relationships, I don’t think I deserve to be loved or happy. I’m ok just getting by and not investing in forever or the future. I did that and, honestly, I’m afraid to feel that way again.

I love you on purpose. I care about you, on purpose.

I don’t try to irritate you or both you on purpose.

I send you flowers and cards on purpose. I try to brighten your life, on purpose.

I wish you well. I love you always.