I’m sorry I upset you tonight. But, I don’t know if we are friends. To me, we are so much more. We are lovers. We are more deeply connected than friends. And I am not sure I am strong enough to be your friend. How do I encourage you to follow your dream when it leaves me behind? Can I be a good enough friend to hold you up, and not hold you back?
I came to visit you on Saturday – I thought I was taking your hint that you called out sick and would be home all day. I came because I want you in my life, and I don’t know how to figure that out. I came to see if you want me.
We had sex, and I was a jerk – because I was afraid that if you saw how much being with you means to me, it would scare you away again. I wanted you to think I would be ok. That it didn’t matter – but it matters a great deal. When I hold you and feel you react, when I grab you and pull you close and you kiss me – it matters.
I was very confused yesterday and today. You almost acted like were still together. Joking about you being my Christmas present. Are we together? Are we still apart?
I know you don’t know what you want. I wish you did, and I know you wish you could tell me. But, sometimes I wonder are you keeping me around just in case you decide you want me – or can’t find someone better? I know this is unfair. I am afraid of being the fool. Afraid of giving my heart away to you again only to have it shattered beyond repair.
I hope we can figure this out, in a way that doesn’t hurt either of us, and gives us both joy and peace.
I love you. I did not want to make you angry or upset. I was just trying to be honest – I don’t know what we are.
