Category: Trial of Love

I always liked laundry day. I know you think that is crazy. But it was special because it was so normal. Sitting in the laundromat and just chatting over coffee just felt normal – no expectations, no drama. It was a time to be with you. And I wanted to be with you every minute you would let me.

"I think it's time for [me] to slowly disappear. I will quietly walk away. I won't contact you, bother you. I will not tell you when I will be in XX, and I will not talk to you unless you speak to me first.... Good luck! Please stay safe!"

I’m sad. You have been disappearing from me for years, but now even the last bits seem to be going away. I struggle about contacting you. I feel like an intrusion into your life (and I always have felt that). You’ve told me in the past not to contact you. You’ve moved away, moved on, and settled down. I know that you are unhappy at times – as you have told me.

When I write, it feels like I am saying the wrong things. Or at least things that can be taken the wrong way. So, I will try to be as clear as possible.

• I want you to be happy
• I don’t want to be a distraction or annoyance
• I don’t want to interfere with your pursuit of your own joy
• I understand you will never return, and I need to accept that
• I am not trying to impose my opinions on you. When I say something, it is my observation or feeling, not me telling you how you feel or should feel.
• I loved you in a way that is special to only you. I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love you. And I will always love you.

I know that what I want is impossible. And after six years you’d think I’d learn my lesson. Mostly, I don’t want to be sad anymore.

So, I don’t know where to go or what to do from here, other than just get up each morning and find a way through the day. I believe this is similar to your struggle – trying to get through each day to reach the next. (I am not saying it is, just that this is my observation.)

I didn’t sleep last night. Just tossing and turning. This seems to be normal now.

Sometimes I write just to get things out. I’m tired of keeping things inside. But, there are many things I must keep to myself. No one would understand my feelings after so long.

There is a part of me that still believes we will be together someday. But, you have made it clear that won’t happen. You are married, and in love. I heard that in your voice last night. Still, I keep hoping for someday. Or maybe in a next life (if there is such a thing).

I also understand that our current situations are not all we hoped they would be.

I can’t help but remember how well we fit together at night. How easy it was to hold you. But, relationships are a negotiation. Get something, give something up. Too bad it seems we’ve both given up frequent sex. (I can’t help but smile when I think about how we were. I hope you enjoyed it.)

So, I understand when you need to vent. I also appreciate your trying to stay positive.

Maybe someday I’ll give up the silly notion of us being together.

So, that was a surprising text to wake up to Sunday morning.

"...I'm ready to come back to..."

I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Are you really thinking about coming home? Or is this just me taking something out of context? Not following the joke?

Spring here is depressing. Besides all the coronavirus crap – which has a significant impact – the rest of spring is pretty drab as well.

All of my relatives are isolating, and a few are sick but not likely COVID-19. More apt to be a cold or flu. But no family gatherings. I’m missing my Wednesday beers as well.  But, life goes on.

We’ve not had nice weather yet. I haven’t had the dog in a month. And working at home is just as bad as going to work. However, I think my co-workers are only putting in a few hours a day at best.

I hope things are looking up down your way. Have people taken the message to heart and staying home?

Be well. I think about you often.

 

It was 7 years ago today we met for lunch. I kissed you. I never wanted to let go.

I’m sorry I was selfish and could only love you if you were only mine. I know you need to be you, and have your own life, but I could only be there for you if you were solely mine.

I’m sorry I didn’t follow you. I wanted to, but as you are aware, I’m deeply anchored here. I’m sorry I am too selfish to leave this place.

I’m sorry I broke your heart. I know I wasn’t kind when you were going to ask me to go on a vacation with you. I was only thinking about myself, and not about your feelings. I lashed out from my own hurt when I should have really listened to you and your needs.

I’m sorry you’re in the shit thick of a mess right now. I always wanted you to be happy, and not miserable. I know that I also put my needs before your. Human nature? Maybe. But I still wish you could find peace and happiness (and I know for you that may mean being single with friends).

I’m sorry you’re so stressed right now. As if the current condition of the world isn’t bad enough, add on relationship problems is just crappy. I hope you keep safe and well.

 

It seems the news is more dire every day. I hope you are healthy and keeping yourself as safe as possible. I look to see if there are any confirmed novel coronavirus cases in your area.

My oldest is sick, but not sick enough to screen (yet). The hazards of working the streets I guess. Probably a cold, but still concerning. I’ve been coughing and sneezing, but it is time for spring allergies to start.

I hope your world and the people you love have little effect from this.

I don’t tell anyone I love them, because I still love you.

As I read your story, I am so sad that you are not happy. I always wanted you to find your dream, your peace. I know sometimes you may not believe that. The more I seem be gone away, the more I am thinking about you. When you think I don’t care anymore, is when I care more than I should.

I understand depressions and hopelessness. I was there, at rock bottom when an angel – YOU – sent one simple message that gave me hope. “What happened to you?” brought me back to a world of possibility. It was the start of an emotionally wild and both difficult and happy period in my life.

I certainly did not ever consider things would turn out as they are now. I thought if I loved you enough, we could overcome anything.

I’ve tried to still love and support you well knowing you will never come back or be with me again. But, it appears I’ve become an emotion sucking vampire that instead of helping just brings more turmoil and pain.

I want you to be happy. But, of course, I want me to be happy too. And, I agree, maybe neither of us will be happy again. Even though we were together for less months than the years we’ve been apart since, it remains the happiest I’ve ever been. It was easy to love you and I wanted to be with you every night (and it wasn’t just sex).

I will always love you. But, I will always regret your leaving. Reading your story makes me sad you are in pain, and makes me sad that I was not enough for you. I encourage you to continue to write and post. Sometimes just writing down my feelings helps me deal with them. And sometimes the feelings I write down are only what I feel at that moment and then the dissolve away.

If there is something I can do, just ask. Because you know I’ll try my best to help you when I can.

Sorry I have been around….. Dad has been in the hospital with pancreatitis. Home now, but just real busy with him, pets, etc. Not to mention a little snow here last weekend.

I hope you have a good day today. At what ever you choose to do, I know you will do it with love and caring.

Be happy, find peace. Love, always.

I’m sitting in the Charlotte airport. It’s Monday afternoon, November 18. My flight is overbooked, and they’re looking for volunteers to fly tomorrow.

I think, maybe I should take the deal, rent a car and drive over. I concoct a plan.

I’ll rent a Hotel room. A hotel near your work. A room that I can see the windows from the parking lot or common area. I’ll get an extra key-card. I use the hotel stationery to write you a note – “I need you tonight. Come to me. Room xxx” I’ll put the note and keycard in an envelope and leave it on your windshield just after 10p.

Next stop, a lingerie store. Something similar to the outfit you wore in Glens Falls. And a blindfold. The box needs to be gift wrapped. Now back to the hotel.

I leave the box on the bed with a note: “Make yourself comfortable. Please open the box.” Inside the box is an other note – Take your time, get yourself ready. Please wear this. When you’re ready, flash the room lights twice.”

Then I wait. Will you come?