Category: Trial of Love

Saturday, July 12, 9:30a

I am truly confused! I want your love so much, and you say you like me and keep wanting to spend time with me, but you won’t kiss me or be affectionate. You keep going both directions. You say no relationship and no dating, but want to see me every day. I’m afraid I need more and will get less. I love you.

Thursday, 10 pm

Dearest, we had a good lunch together today. The conversation was a bit deep for a lunch break, but it was good and not sad. I look forward to Saturday and hope we can be together without pressure from me or high expectations.

Therapy today reinforced to me that I may be the fool if I am waiting for you to want a relationship when you don’t want one.

I do fear being the great fool and dying emotionally in this process. I am willing to work on love. I just need you to give us the chance. I don’t know what you really want. You oscillate sometimes between being overly friendly and then saying absolutely no relationship or dating. It is all very confusing.

Will you ever want me? Truly want me – in a relationship? I love you. I will always care for you.

7/9/2014

Wednesday, 9:00 pm.

Dearest, we exchanged emails today about having dinner together on Saturday. I know you are worried that I want more than you can give. You are right. I want all of you, and love from you, and sex with you. I know this is more than you can give right now. So, I will do my best to wait. I hope I will not be the fool. But, if we don’t visit and spend time together you will never have the chance to fall in love with me. How do we balance each other?

I want to always be with you. How do I make you want to be with me? I love you so, and pray for us. Good night.

Tuesday, 9:00 pm.

Dearest, we had a good day today after your troublesome morning. Thank you for sharing your lunch break with me. I still feel I will be the fool. I am afraid I am waiting for you to fall in love with me when you can’t possibly love someone like me.

I am wiling to wear my heart on my sleeve to take the chance on love. I think you turned a bit of a milestone today: planning ahead and inviting me to dinner on Saturday. It is so unlike you to plan ahead or make a future commitment. I hope I can abide by your rules. I can agree to a “date” without sex, but I can’t stop loving you and hoping that you will fall in love with me.

I also hope you don’t get upset with me, but I called a Craigslist ad and purchased an air conditioner for you. I hope to hear from you tomorrow so I can pass it along. I do care for you and perhaps I overstep our bounds at times. I love you. Drive safe and goodnight.

Tuesday, July 8, 1:00 pm

Dearest, do you really have any skin in the game? Or, is the risk all mine? We had lunch together today and you asked some hard questions that need more than a lunch break to discuss. I do love you, but sometimes you are killing me emotionally.

Monday, 9:35 pm.

Dearest, we just exchanged texts and I am as confused as ever! You were delightful and beautiful. You asked what is enough love to build a relationship? I answered, it just takes a little bit to start and grow into something real.

Can you have that little bit? Would you ever be willing to try? I hope so! I want you in my life and I want to make your life better and easier. You shouldn’t doubt the power of love. Just give us the chance to grow together instead of apart. Come, be my love. I wait for you.

Monday, 4:30 am.

I can’t sleep. I toss and turn in sadness. What happened? Why didn’t you do as you promised and call or text me? I wonder if I should email you or text you in the morning, or if you will text me. I don’t know what to do and my mind races with unpleasant thoughts. Did you have a date? Have you decided to not contact me again? Or is it simply a technical failure of a text or email to be delivered? Have you run away? Chosen to disappear from my life? I am hurt and confused, clueless!

The birds have started to sing and I can’t sleep- wanting you and having no way to know if you want any contact with me. Part of my angst it that I wanted to hug you and hold you yesterday – knowing the pain you are in. I believe yesterday was probably my last chance. I thought you would have agreed to meet me.

Did you read my email about that Tuesday night? You didn’t comment or reply. I hope you have counseling this week and can find some answers for yourself and can decide what you want. Do you want me or not? Even after all this pain and hurt, I still want you in my life. I can’t distance myself enough to not love and care for you. May god please bring me peace!

Sunday, 10:00 pm.

My heart screams WHY? You said you would text me today after your family picnic. I have not heard from you.; I feel you are done with me, again. Its past ten, and I wonder if you are home in bed or out running around. Did you go out on a date? You confuse me so, and you don’t seem to care about my feelings or how you cause me pain.

My sister suggests I should just take my pain now and call it quits – dump you before I realize you dumped me long ago. I don’t want to be without you in my life, but you treat me like shit. I should not answer if you come back. You don’t deserve my kindness. You abuse and use my love with nothing in return. GO AWAY AND LET ME DIE!

Sunday, 8:50 am.

Dearest, I see you changed your relationship status on Facebook. Was that a message to me? A dig? Am I the complication? I am afraid to ask. I love you so much, but we don’t see each other, only text. Are you afraid to see me because of your feelings or because of mine? I hope you agree to see me today. I want to hold you and hug you. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish you could take away mine. Time will tell, but patience is difficult for me. All my love is yours.

Saturday, 5:30 pm.

We talked a few minutes and then texted a few times. I was relieved. I just wish I could hold you and hug you. I am lonely and bored and exercising patience; and I hope beyond reasonable hope for an outcome of love. You do deserve me, and I deserve your love and devotion. I pray to god for your love and for you to accept that I love you. I wish I knew how long to wait – wait for your love or when to stop being the fool. I pray I don’t need to wait for years or months. I will send you an email tonight, my love.