Category: Trial of Love

I think of you ev’ry night and day
You took my heart and you took my pride away
I hate myself for loving you
Can’t break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That’s why I hate myself for loving you

I still love you.

You say you don’t feel connected to me, yet you never made any effort to connect. Did you ever invite me to go along with you and your friends? Did you ever introduce me to any of your family. NO! You hid me away because you didn’t want to be connected to me.

I get to be angry about being jerked around. You still haven’t explained what happened or why so so drastically changed from Wednesday wanting to see me to Thursday’s not wanting to ever see me again. That sucks!

My heart is shattered and my soul turns black with sadness. I can barely function and just want the night to close in and take me away. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I loved you. You said you wanted to see me. Then you dumped me without any warning. We were not friends. You never treated me like a friend. I was more than a friend to you. I tried to be everything you needed. But in the end, I was nothing you wanted.

Can you even explain why? You ramble about not being able to love, and maybe one day. Is that just to lead me along? Make up your mind and have the courage to tell the truth.

I once told you I never wanted to be married again because I never wanted to be divorced again. I will never give my heart away again because I never want to feel this broken and used. The pain is inhumane.

I will become like you. Unable to love. Out for myself – selfish and unapologetic. I will get all I can get and not care who gets hurt along the way. I have given too much, worn my heart on my sleeve, and tried to hard to be the good guy, the nice guy. All it has brought is pain and suffering. I have no heart left to give – it is shattered into a million pieces, unable to heal.

You sent an email that you missed me today. I once thought you were an angel. Did you miss me? Like a cat misses toying with a mouse? How can you miss me, you never wanted me. I was just your play thing, something to keep you entertained until you found something better. Just an other name in a long string of names of broken hearts. You were too uncaring to even notice the ex crying over breakfast. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find a new toy to play with. God help him.

I should thank you for teaching me that I am unlovable, and to not even try. And, yes, it is about me. Its about how you treated me. Saying its you doesn’t help at all.

I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to hold your hand forever. I guess you couldn’t handle that.

I wish I could understand what happened between Wednesday night when you said “I really want to see you” and Thursday night when you said “I don’t want to date you”.

You are cruel and careless with my emotions. You only want me when it suits you, and you don’t care about the damage you do when you decide you don’t want me anymore.

You ripped my heart out and shattered it. Then you tried to do it again. You say you don’t remember parts of what you said on Thursday. Even if you don’t, it doesn’t excuse the pain and suffering you caused. I loved you completely, and you took advantage of me.

If you read this, you still owe me $40 for your bus pass, and I expect to be paid. The almond milk is a gift. My heart is not.

Dearest,

I know, you want easy, fun. Not deep or committed. I know I scare you at times with my intensity and feelings. I can’t apologize for loving you. To me, easy and fun is being in love and totally committed.

I hope you find time to reflect and ponder this evening. I know that at times we must do things that are not logical or that maybe don’t make sense. At risk of making an argument against myself, sometimes you have to do what you know you want to do, even if it makes no sense. Because in the end you will need to follow your heart. I did. God knows I do things that make no sense – logically. But my heart wants what it wants. And that is you.

So, I hope we continue this journey. But more, I know you need to find your own happiness.

I will be waiting…. for now.

Hello,

I’m not sure if you have given up reading this or not. I just wanted to express my sincere appreciation for the time you spend with me, the morning text messages, and how much you share of yourself. The past few days have been very special and if you don’t know it, I am thankful.

I wrote a couple of emails on Sunday, and I asked for some feedback. It would be nice to know how you feel.

I’m still a little unsure of where I stand, or what our status is. I would say we are dating, but I’m not sure you would agree. I wonder what happens next. I know you are very busy now, and with return of family you will have even more demands on your time. I will try to not be a burden.

And, as much as you don’t like to hear it – all my love and best wishes to you.

Wednesday, 5:00 pm

I’m not sure what you mean by “I don’t think you are ready to hang out without anything happening…”?

I feel like you think I’m some kind of creep. Yes, I want something to happen, but it’s not sex. And, I wasn’t suggesting I come to your place. I was asking what you had planned, to see if you were open to meeting up, being out in public. I feel hopeless at times, like your not knowing what you want is leading me on. Am I a greater fool now? I must be. I don’t know how to talk to you about this without being an ass, but this one is something you should not get away with. I just don’t know how to be available to you – hoping to give you time to fall in love with me – without destroying myself.

Dearest,

Thank you for letting me come have our two minute conversation. Yes, maybe its not normal, but I want you to know I am there for you when you need me. I am there for you when you want me, and I’ll be there for you even if you don’t need or want me, but you will let me be there.

Why? Because I care about you deeply, and I wish I could make things better for you. I know I can’t solve your problems or “rescue” you. And I know you don’t want to be rescued. I am not proposing that. I am saying I will be there to encourage and support you.

So, it is worth a short drive to have a two minute conversation, because it is seeing you and giving you a hug that counts. Mondays suck. I hope you are feeling better and have a good week. I’ll be here.

Dearest,

Thank you for calling me last night. And thank you for your understanding and sharing of your time. Our conversation has left me feeling a bit insecure and jealous.

Did you tell me about your dinner to see if I was ok with it, or to see if I would be upset? I am trying to be trusting and non-controlling. But, I still worry that maybe dinner was really a date. And even if it wasn’t a date, do you still have feelings for him? I know you would have told me if it were a date.

The story seems to have changed a little – from dinner with a friend to dinner and a movie with an old flame. Am I jealous? A little. Am I insecure? Yes. Am I upset? No, because I know you need to work these things out and you need to have your own space. And, you called me which reassures me that you want to keep exploring the possibilities with me. I will work on my insecurities.

So why is it so hard?

Dearest, My love for you is easy. Being with you, caring for you, and our conversations are easy. And although our loving you is easy, relationships take work. Not the type of work like cleaning the bathroom, but work of joy, of giving on ones self, and passion to come together

Yes, we are different people with different experiences from different paths. But our paths have crossed and joined together. Relationships are not always easy, and ours has had its struggles. Part of our struggle is we both want what we want, and those two things don’t always align. So we push each other a little and grind on each others’ feelings at times. But we also explore each other through our many conversations, spending time together, sharing our pasts and our dreams. As we move through this process, hopefully we will begin to cut our own path together – figuring out a way that works for both of us, and makes us both richer and more fulfilled than being without each other. Moving towards our own ever-after.

You inspire me more than any other person has in my life. I am not trying to change who you are, but only how you view a future together. You make me want to change some things about me so we can be more at ease together. I am willing to try.

I love you.