Category: Trial of Love

I just don’t really understand what changed between September and October. Was it something I did or didn’t do? I thought and felt you were in love with me, and then it seems to have just evaporated. I could understand if I had been a cheat or abuser – but to just have your love disappear is crushing my soul.

I don’t fault you, because we all need to follow our feelings. I just wish I could understand how they seemed to change so quickly.

1 Comment: Her – Nothing changed, I am just not happy. I did not want a relationship, I had said that from the beginning. I tried, I truly did. And it is not always about love…… It’s about being yourself, I don’t feel like I had been myself for a long time. I need to be myself before I can be a couple. I do love you, but I am not sure I am in love with you. I think you are wonderful, and you have a lot to offer. Yes, you can be slightly overbearing, and sometimes you are a little clingy…. These are things I don’t deal will with. I don’t know if I can explain this. I don’t know if I am explaining it well right now….. 12/3/2014

I feel hurt, angry, alone, and hopeless. I’ve been told I’m not loved or lovable – that I am to difficult and demanding to maintain a relationship. I am barely able to hold myself together. Tears come streaming down my face without warning. I long to retreat to bed but sleep escapes me. I drink to numb my mind and body, but the effects are temporary and the tears return.

I can not say or do the right thing. I feel like a failure at all things. I try to show compassion and caring but incite anger. I pray that god delivers me from this hell.

1 Comment: Her – You are loved. You just don’t understand that what is right for you may not be right for me. I have not been happy for a while. I could continue to be unhappy, just to make you happy, but in the end that is unfair to everyone. It is living a lie. I had always said I did not want what you wanted.

I do love you, but it is not the kind of love you had for me. That would not be fair to you. I wish we could remain friends, but that is impossible for you. Where does that leave us? Lonely? Confused? Hurt? Angry? Lost?

 

All I can do is continue to say I am sorry. 12/02/2014

I feel like there is nothing I can ever do right by you. I brought your stuff up to your apartment to save you from having to come and get it. But instead of thank you I get criticized for doing so. I buy a bed cover, but all I hear is that it’s the wrong one. I bought you a replacement phone and you object. I give you gifts and you seem to resent that I can do that.

This is why I was not surprised you dumped me. There was nothing I could do or say that was right. And it hurts that you think so little of me that you always assume the worst instead of accepting that I made an effort to try and make your life easier or better.

I don’t wan to fight with you. I wish I could hug you, but I know you don’t want me. I will try to accept this, but it takes time and tears.

Not a two way street. I didn’t kiss anyone else and I didn’t stop loving you.

I am not surprised you broke up with me, but I am still devastated. Its all I can do to function. You have sent email and a few texts – but I fall apart every time I see your name on my phone.

I brought your stuff to you so you wouldn’t need to come here. I know you didn’t want to face it.

I am not sorry I love you. I still think it is the right thing, even if you can’t love me. I should know by now that I am not lovable.

I wish you well, but I need time to try and recover from the pain. I’m sure I will see you, and I will want to try and engage you in conversation, but it won’t work for now.

I just need a little time and space to get used to being alone again.

You said the other day that I was being distant. I felt you were being distant and have been distant for some time. I have been trying to just take it as it comes and not push.

I know you have lots on your mind and going on in your life that doesn’t involve me (but I do care about). I have been trying to give you the space you asked for when you came back from vacation.

Lately it seems I am bothering you. You no longer seem to want me to visit during the day and don’t seem to care to chat, talk, or really be together. I tried to engage you today on Facebook and by text. I know you were resting, but your comment that you had to be really bored to text me just cut the wrong way.

The distance to go your house tonight was not an issue for me. Even though you would be asleep when I arrived, I still wanted to come up just to ride to work together. But I get the feeling (strong feeling( that you just don’t want me around. I hope I’m wrong.

I do love you. I think there is something here worth working to keep.

1 comment: Her – Yes, I am.distant. Its because I feel I am somewhere that I am not sure I want to be. You know you want and I am starting to feel you expect me to be in the same place as you….I am not. 11/15/2014

I missed you while you were away. It gave me time to reflect on our journey together so far, and what I thought would be next steps. However I sense reluctance from you about moving forward from here.

Its not the time we spent apart, but your reactions to the time we are spending together. Maybe we just need to re-adjust or get back in sync. But somehow it feels different. The language you use is different. Even planning ahead for the next day seems labored and unwelcome – like you don’t want to think about it.

I hope its just me being too sensitive to little things that really mean nothing. I love you, but I am feeling a bit blue.

1 Comment: Her – It is reluctance your are feeling. A few things happened while I was away and I am trying to figure out how to handle them with you, not handle you. I am trying to deal with my issues and not flake out on you, but you get a little over bearing and you pout, and I don’t deal with that well. If you would let us talk it will be better…..if you actually listen to what we BOTH say it will go well and may be productive for both of us……but you are very stubborn sometimes and only listen for the things that work for you. Maybe I am being selfish, but I want to be happy……I want you to be happy too. 10/14/2014

Dearest,

I’m sorry our last night together was not very romantic or even enjoyable.

I will miss you as you are on vacation and visiting family. I do wish I could have gone and did look into time off and flights, but it was just not meant to be this time.

I dropped you off at the airport today and I already miss being with you. I enjoy our weekends of being together and just doing the mundane tasks with each other.

You take good care of your turtles and I will take care of the other two.

I love you!

1 Comment: Her – I enjoyed seeing you sleeping on my bed last night….I am glad you are comfortable. I want normal…..you call it mundane. Good night! 10/4/2014

9/17/2014

Dearest,

It has been a busy week away from you, but I miss you every moment. I know we can talk and text nearly anytime, but that is not the same as seeing you at lunch and holding you at night.

Yes, I can survive – as can you – but it is not nearly as nice as being with you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I am certainly fond of you.

I hope you know I missed being with you this week, and I’ll miss being with you in October. Thank you for convincing me to go to the concert.

I will be glad to be home tomorrow night. Although late, it will be nice to crawl into bed with you and hold you tight. I am sorry you have two long days ahead of you. But we will get to spend some time together this weekend.

I love you – always.

Dearest,

Its been ten days (so I’ve been reminded) since posting.

• I wish I could give you all you need.
• I wish I could take us on vacation.
• I wish I could turn the alarm off and stay with you in bed.
• I wish I could go with you to the wedding.
• I wish I could bring you with me to Boston.
• I wish I could calm your fears.
• I wish I could capture your heart.
• I wish I could promise our future will always be easy.
• I wish I could be with you forever.
• I know I love you. My heart is full.

I look forward to every day with you.

1 Comment: Her – It sounds like you will miss HER while you are away! Sleep sweet! She loves you! 9/14/14