Category: Trial of Love

Make no mistake. This is not about easy. It is not easy to see you go – either because you are moving or because you just don’t want me. What ever we were, the only thing for sure now is we were… past tense… no longer.

I loved you will all I had, but I have come to see in the past weeks that I have only been a distraction, a convenience, to you. I know you were never able to truly love me. I know you tried for a while, but it just wasn’t there – and still isn’t.

But is this really about making it easier? Maybe its about making it easier for you.

1 Comment:

her 6/2/2015 12:07:29 pm
I have always said it will be easier if you let me go. I also said I don’t want a relationship. Has it been easy for me walking away? No. Luckily I have been so busy with work that I go home exhausted. So exhausted that I am physically I’ll. I am eating Rolaids by the handful and migraine medicine daily. You do not know how I feel or think, so you have no right to judge me, just as I cannot judge you. Are you wrong because you want something different than I do? No, its just that, different. So easier, it is not! Do I feel you were pouty and childish….yes. But again, it is my perception.

Picture

I’m lost again. I don’t where, if anywhere, I stand with you. You made it clear you wanted to be away from me, that you needed space. So I give you space and don’t bother you. When you contact me I respond because I want you in my life. But, the first response back is a slap in the face; “it was no beach”. I am sorry I ruined you beach plans. I tried to make it up to you.

As much as I will hate to see you leave (and possibly never see you again), I understand and support your reasons for leaving. I don’t want to be an obstacle to your success.

I promise I will try to be supportive and encouraging. And I will try to be thankful for the time we had and have together. But yes, it makes my heart heavy and eyes sad to think about you leaving. – Maybe I’ll leave too.

It goes without saying – as friends.

I know you tired hard to do it my way for months, and that didn’t work for you. So, i am willing to try and do it your way.

I care about you and want to keep you as part of my life. I know there are limits and boundaries. My only regret would be not spending time with you when I could have.

I still have feelings for you, and I probably always will. But I know my way – a relationship – didn’t work for you. I hope this way will work out for both of us. I am willing to try.

You looked like I was the last person you wanted to see today. Did I do something wrong?

I wasn’t trying to bother you. I did want to say hi and ask how YOU are doing. I know you’ve had a lot going on with family.

I wish you well.

1 Comment:

her 3/23/2015 02:48:38 am
No, you did nothing wrong. I have had the shittiest week (including today). I was afraid if I talked to you I would start crying. I have too much happening, not sleeping and now I am sick. I am done…..overdone! I know, this is my normal state, but I am really sick of it! Sorry I just saw this!

You ask why I keep coming back. I have gone no where. I am always here in my love for you. Why do you come back?

Is there still something here? I think so. I hope so. I want to believe there is still more to play out – more to being together than apart. More to caring.

Why don’t I move on? Simply – I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to stop loving you or caring about you. Can you handle that?

So, I wait to see what will happen next. Will we find a middle ground? Or will time move on and leave us worn and broken.

Eventually we will move one way or the other. Some life event will bring us closer or move us further apart. But for now, I try to take it as it comes.

Alberto Ríos, 1952

One river gives its journey to the next.
We give because someone gave to us.

We give because nobody gave to us.

We give because giving has changed us.
We give because giving could have changed us.

We have been better for it,
We have been wounded by it–

Giving has many faces: It is loud and quiet,
Big, though small, diamond in wood-nails.

Its story is old, the plot worn and the pages too,
But we read this book, anyway, over and again:

Giving is, first and every time, hand to hand,
Mine to yours, yours to mine.

You gave me blue and I gave you yellow.
Together we are simple green.

You gave me what you did not have,
and I gave you what I had to give–

Together, we made something
greater from the difference.

I came across this while putting away some files. Maybe we should revisit it? I’m not sure I could stick by rule 4.

The plan: Transform in to K*****’s friend

The rules

1. D****** does not contact K. K initiates contact when she wants to chat, text, talk, or see D*****. D will only reply, or contact K if K has requested it.

2. D***** does not see K**** for a while – maybe a week, maybe more.

3. K**** does not say indefinite terms. i.e. “I don’t know what I want” or “I do care about you….” These terms only lead D***** on and confuse his emotions.

4. D***** does not try to make physical contact with K****. He does not hold K’s hand or kiss K. This will be difficult but is necessary to transform into a friendship.

5. K***** needs to hold the boundaries. K**** needs to not let D***** kiss her or hold hands. This may be difficult, but is necessary.

6. D**** keeps his mouth shut about feelings.

7. If K**** changes her mind, she can discuss it then with D, but only if she had made a true decision.

1 Comment:
Her – I am sorry you were running late yesterday, it would have been nice to day hi. Are you ok? I know you don’t understand me, but I do care. I also worry about you…..

Just wanted to tell you that.

I had it all planned out. I even asked your boss for your vacation time. But you broke up with me before I could tell you. I was going to fly us to see your son in Florida before the cruise, and then spend a week on the boat.

…and check to see that you got home safe in the snow. But, I figured that would be overstepping. I hope you are safe and sound, and I will go on the assumption that if you need me you will call or text me. I will always be there if you need me.