Category: Trial of Love

I was thinking about you over New Year’s. About you moving, and about what, if anything, that means.

A few things you don’t know. Since you moved away, I’ve had $2,000 cash in my safe in case you called and said you wanted to move home. I wanted to be ready at a moments notice.

When you didn’t call on Christmas, or respond to my email and text, I got the feeling that you’re trying to create more [emotional?] distance between us. It was unlike you to say you’ll do something and then not follow through.

I get you are trying to find your own way and live your own life. And, I get I am not part of that. I know you don’t want to cause any hurt feelings – for me as well as for you.

I wish you well, and I try to be your friend (if you want).

Be well and take care of yourself. I look forward to hearing from you always.

Always wishing you well and good luck. You know how to find me – I’ll always answer.

1 Comment:

her  1/3/2016 02:15:39 pm
I thought about calling you today, but I do not think you need to hear my problems or complaining. It has been a rough year and it is only the 3rd. I hope you had a great beginning to the New Year!

I know that when we last talked I may have seemed unwelcoming. But I want to be clear – I want you home in Vermont. But I don’t want you coming back because you feel you failed, or feel you have no other choice. I don’t want you coming back “tail between your legs”. I want you back because you want to be here.

I just know that it is unlikely to work out that way. Although you may struggle from time to time, I am sure you will find your way. Maybe I have more faith in that than you do at times.

Never forget, you are welcome here.

yup. I have it. On drugs. Unhappy.

The unusually warm November weather and bright sun days make that Monday in September seem not so far away. That Monday we had breakfast and sat as friends. I didn’t know that was good-bye. The conversation held promise.

My phone rang yesterday — a telemarketer as usual. I thought I should disconnect the land line. I don’t use it anymore. It serves no useful purpose. But, not yet, on the off chance it rings sometime and it is an old friend. The one I miss so much.

1 Comment:

her 11/14/2015 05:28:41 pm
I guess you didn’t listen, I did ask, but you avoided answering the question….. I will write more later. I need to sleep, I work at 4:00am for the next 4 weeks. ur friend

I tried. And I am trying.

You left me a long time ago. And yet I loved you. I did not expect your love in return. It was enough that you accepted that I loved you.

I gave you all I had. I supported you emotionally, helped you prepare to move, and tried to be your friend and support you as move on in life. I didn’t ask anything but friendship. I did this because I love you and because I want you to succeed and be happy.

It was unfair of you to ask me to be your safety net if you failed. But I agreed. It made me uncomfortable because I don’t want you to fail but I admit I would like to have you back here with me. Yet, I tried to be supportive. I answered your calls, gave my advice for what I thought was best for you (not for what I wanted), and tried to encourage you.

I didn’t un-friend you or drop away. You are the one that did that. You said you “can’t talk to” me any more. Would I be unhappy knowing you are dating? Yes, but that unhappiness was coming anyway and I knew that. I never said don’t date anyone. I didn’t ask for any loyalty or devotion. I only tried to be your friend.

Even when you did call me, you rarely asked how I was doing. Did you expect I was miserable all the time? Or did you just not care to ask?

If you want me as your friend, you’ll need to be uncomfortable at times. You’ll need to accept that what is good for you might make me sad, but that I’ll deal with that. And I’ll try to be your friend, without jugement. I’ll be uncomfortable at times. I’ll accept you as you are.

I’m far from perfect, but I am willing to try to be your friend.

Today at church was remembrance Sunday where we light candles for loved ones we lost. I could help but wonder if I needed to light a candle for you. Have I lost you from my life completely?

You sent a text the other day, asking for help, but we never connected. I suspect you don’t need my help at all, ever. But yes, I am still willing to help.

You said you don’t want contact with me. I’ll try to keep from contacting you until you say you are ready.

Was the question a metaphor? Were you asking about the emotional bandaid that has been us for the past three months? I know you will eventually move on and leave me behind. Hey, that was part of the whole moving out of state thing.

I love you and wish you happiness. Even if that can’t be with me.

1 Comment:

her 10/13/2015 03:34:55 am
What do you want me to do??? I am lonely. I have no one to spend time with other than family……. I cry all of the time!

I’m confused! But what else is new?

We were having a light conversation about my visiting sometime – driving down for a long weekend. You know I would love to come visit you and have looked several times at air fare and schedules.

Your new work schedule seems to make Friday and Saturday better for you (I think). The best weekend I could think of was Thanksgiving. But, I’m not sure that would be good with any family activities. And, I must be honest that driving nearly 2,000 miles in four or five days isn’t that exciting. Maybe a drive down on the Wednesday before and drive back on Sunday.

Still, all this seems unlikely as the conversation came to a dead standstill. Maybe you’re feeling like you need some space or overwhelmed with moving again. Just a passing day-dream.