Category: Trial of Love

It was nice to see you. I was really afraid of my own feelings, I will be honest, it has taken me a long time to get past you leaving. And the prospect of seeing you left me a bit unsteady.

I never wanted to make you cry. I am glad for you that you are piecing your life together and moving forward. I truly wish you to be happy.

However, seeing you only confirmed to me that I still have deep feelings for you that just seem will never go away. My heart jumped at the passing thought of showing up on your doorstep. But I am afraid that would not be enough for either of us.

As I said, if you are ever back in Vermont, you’ll know where to find me.

Love and best wishes always.

3 Comments

her 9/17/2016 05:50:05 am

I almost changed my mind about seeing you. I try not to let on about how bad things have been. I did not want to cry in front of you. I did not want to appear weak.

him 9/17/2016 03:24:37 pm

I ordered corned beef has at breakfast today. Not because I wanted hash, but I wanted to feel some connection to you.

her 9/17/2016 03:42:04 pm

Haven’t had any since I was last with you…..

If I had tried to stop you at the airport, would I have succeeded? Probably not. We are both too practical to give way to such whimsey – however romantic the movies make it seem.

And, I would be far too afraid to even try. Either, I would have my heart broken again, or I would be the complete fool and buy a ticket to come with you. But, as you know, running away only makes your problems run after you.

It seems the airport has always been the problem. The first time you went to that airport when we were first dating is when I think you resolved to not need me. You came back changed. Maybe it was just the first alone time away from me you had to evaluate what was happening.

I often live in my own fantasy where I can come crashing in and take you away. Or, just show up and make everything work out. But, I’m no Officer and a Gentleman.

If you ever feel alone against the world, remember, I am always rooting for you.

Will I see you? Will you want to see me?

I wonder and wait to see if you want to try and see me this trip. What will it be? A lunch again where we politely lie to each other and hold back the sadness.

Will you be traveling alone? Or will seeing me entail getting way on your own… a secret. I miss you, as much as I missed you the day you left… as much as I missed you a year ago. My heart still longs for you, it can not be changed no matter how hard I try.

1 Comment:
her 9/8/2016 09:27:31 pm
I am here alone. I do not do well with secrets…..

I wish it was me. I have often thought about how to contact you… how would you take it. But, it seems I am more likely to make you sad than make you happy. I miss you greatly, and look forward to seeing you someday when you visit “home”.

I am always thinking about you, and wish you could find what you need in a way that makes you happy and loved. Even though I was not that one that sent you that gift, it was nice you thought it might be me. (or maybe I’m delusional and was hoping you wanted it to be me).

Still hopeless….

2 Comments

her 8/27/2016 03:58:17 pm
Yes, I had hoped it was you. I want to be missed. I am sorry I cannot be in VT. I am sorry I cannot be in a relationship.

him 8/29/2016 05:08:42 pm
you are missed – all the time.

 

 

Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can’t forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I’m tryin’ to forget your name and leave it all behind me
Yeah. It’s been such a long time, I think I should be goin’, yeah
And time dosn’t wait for me, it keeps on rollin’
There’s a long road, I’ve gotta stay in time with
I’ve got to keep on chasin’ that dream, though I may never find it
I’m always just behind it.

2 Comments:

her 8/10/2016 09:44:05 am
I am sorry you had to meet me. No one deserves that sort of punishment….

her 8/10/2016 09:44:42 am
I will not bother you any more….

Yesterday was a year since I packed you up and you moved away. You finally said good bye.

It has been a year of loneliness, tears, false hope, and frustration. No matter how hard I try, I am not the one you will love.

Everywhere I go I have memories of us together… but just memories. No longer hope.

You said some disturbing things yesterday. I hope they are exaggerations. But I can not rescue you when you don’t want to be rescued. Maybe you are just checking to see if I still would? But yes, I wonder if I am being played with, like a cat plays with a mouse – just an amusement.

So, you said it…”goodbye”. I hope you at least got some good memories from me.

I was never your prince charming. Try as I might, I could never make you love me.

It really hurts to hear you unhappy and in pain. I try my best to do what ever I can to make you want to come back. It will never work. I try to help, but you don’t want my help. You see it as too complicated, but really it seems just not what you want.

I don’t know what you want from me or with me. I try and try to navigate the extreme loneliness in my soul. I reach out to you but it makes me feel even more lonely. When you reach out to me, I get false hope.

I loved you beyond all comprehension. I have offered everything I have. I offered to move for you. I was willing to give you all I have, every part of me. At least you were finally honest and let me know you could never love me.

Take care of yourself. Have respect for yourself. You are a wonderful person and deserve the love you need. I’m sorry I could not be that love. You will always be in my heart until its last beat.

I get it.

You saved me once, but I don’t think I can save you. God knows I tried many times. I don’t think you can save me anymore. There is too much distance, too much hurt in the past.

Yet I still want you. I am the fool. But I know you will never come back. Your “loan” is evidence enough. I am the worse devil. My deal was worse than a loan from *****.

I still wish you happiness and safety.

Trying to move on——- my heart still stuck on you.

 

 

I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

 

(Do I wanna know)
If this feeling flows both ways?

(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you’d stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day
Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?
‘Cause I always do
Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I’ve thought it through
Crawling back to you

So have you got the guts?

I’ve been missing you. It was nice to text a little on Friday. But, there is some truth in this song….. my heart still belongs to you.

1 Comment: her 7/22/2016 08:35:18 pm

Funny…..you never liked it when I played it. I don’t drink anymore, but yes I think of calling. This week has not been good, so it is best I don’t call……

I’ve been writing this post for a while… somehow it still seems not done – like the two of us.

• She is the one I fell madly in love with;
• She is the one that opened her world to me;
• She is the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with;
• She is the one I could imagine growing old with;
• She is the one I gave my all;
• She is the one I tried to make a better life for;
• She is the one I kept going back to;
• She is the one that rocked my world;
• She is the one that broke my heart – not once, but twice;
• She is the one I tried to get back;
• She is the one that didn’t want me;
• She is the one I helped move away;
• She is the one I try to get back;
• She is the one I would help any time;
• She is the one that doesn’t want me;
• She is the one I need to let go;
• She is the one I will always love;
• She is the one I will never forget;
• She is the one I would still help.
• She is the one that made me whole.
• She was my angel.