Category: Trial of Love

As usual, I’ve been selfish and we’ve been talking about what I want, what is ok for me, and what isn’t. You’ve mentioned some things about your upcoming trip. But, I haven’t really asked you what you want.

You still have my love, and I care for you you deeply (that will unlikely ever change). But, dare I ask what you want…. even if unlikely? What is your dream? Do you see us in the future?

I still have that silly fantasy that someday you will want to be in love and maybe with me.

In all of my self-centered world, I’ve prayed many times asking God to keep save and guide the people I love. This week many prayers have been answered.

You are well on your way to fulfilling your dreams of career, safe living, and independence you seek. My family had been kept safe in the face of adversity many times this year. And, while life could always be better or easier, I still am able to keep a roof over my head and meet my obligations. So, I thank God for all the good that is happening. I’ll still pray for safe-keeping, your success, and reunion. With gratitude.

I love you and it brings me joy when you are happy. I am sorry I don’t always make you happy. Be well and may you find some happiness every day.

2 Comments

Her 1/29/2017 07:20:08 pm

I posted today and reposted one that you said was not there! I hope I didn’t ruin things for you!

Her 2/7/2017 03:36:35 am

I am surprised you have not posted in a while. I have some questions for you…… is it fair for to see me when I am home? For J? Will you tell her? What are you expecting? I think we need to figure this out, before see me. I need to know….

I went back through a number of old posts, and the first post of this blog still holds true.

My heart aches. My eyes water. I miss you and I so badly wanted love… I just keep thinking about your kiss, about holding you. I am devastated!

I miss you.

I made you sad. Yes, I’m an asshole.

I sometimes want you to be sad and homesick. I want to you wonder why you left, and how you’ll get back home. I want you to want to come home to me. So, yes, I like it that you miss me, and I wish you missed me enough to want to come home. But, I know that isn’t likely.

But, I don’t ever want to be the reason you’re sad. I want you to be happy. I really do. Of course, I wish you had been happy with me. Maybe someday…. because if we are really meant to be (as I often think), it will happen.

Life continues, but my feelings haven’t changed. I miss you and love you.

And lately, I really miss holding you all night.

Good night, and I look forward to talking sometime soon.

Hi,

No, not really. But not all that bad, thanks. I have a cold that won’t get going. Yesterday youngest son called and is facing a problem. The pain and fear in his voice put me into a mood I haven’t felt since you un-friended me on FB.

But, we will get through it. The good news is, it is only money. No one will loose their life or freedom. No bodily injury. Just foolishness that did some damage (and, just really an accident from him not knowing better).

However, I was feeling really down in the dumps. But, I’ll pick myself back up and get going.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you and all you need to do this week and next. I hope you got my mail. I know it is not that important in the face of all you have happening right now. But, when I have problems, I just look at all you have overcome to be your own person, and I rally on. Someday….

I know this week will be tough at times. You have so much happening at once. (no details here)

But, I want you to know that you got this. You are the most courageous and determined person I have ever known. As the adventure continues for you, I just wanted to say how much you mean to me, and how you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You see, I still think we had a great love.

I will always be here if you need me.

1 Comment

Her 1/25/2017 08:40:00 pm

Sorry I have not been on much to comment! Thank you for having faith in me…More than what I have in myself.

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Why would I try again? I can’t imagine love without you.

 

I never wanted you to cry…. I always wanted the very best for you.

It is below zero outside for the first time this winter, and the house was only 60 when I got home. We’ve got some snow, and I know you sometimes miss it up here. Well, I bet you don’t miss the bitter cold.

I know you don’t have much in plans, but I hope I can help you have a little smile for the holidays. You should know you are missed and thought of often, even if I write less often.

I’ll write again or email soon. Best wishes always.

1 Comment

Her 12/23/2016 03:37:32 pm

It’s Christmas Adam(because Adam came before Eve-😕) and I miss snow, I miss the cold. I am very lonely and even worse, depressed. I should be excited with the new job and all, but……

I hope Puerto Rico is amazing and you are allowing yourself to find love. It is hard to constantly be searching for something that is not out there. I have learned I am not capable of loving anyone.

Sad, but true!

I paid bills today. This is the first month in many years that I’ve had to carry a credit card balance forward. I hope I can catch up in January, but it feels tight to only have $117 in cash to last until Dec. 15. (Although I still have plenty of credit).

My sister stopped at my house and suggested I change the light fixture in my bedroom (outdated gold color). My first thoughts were NO! K#&&$ likes the shades….. they’re callie lillies.

Youngest is worring me again… maybe just because its December. I worry he is withdrawing. But, reality is he owes me money and is probable avoiding me until he can pay some of it back.

Its Saturday, and I’m done work for the day. Time to head out for a beer (just one… keeping to a budget – lol). I wish I meeting you at the bar. Lots of memories, including the first time I asked you to come get a drink and you just blew it off.

2 Comments

Her12/7/2016 08:47:58 am

I had a very long comment writhen, but it seemed like a lot of whining and complaining, so I deleted it. I hope you Wednesday is going well.

Him12/7/2016 12:24:42 pm

I like the long comments

I know you miss me sometimes. Maybe I don’t want to believe you so I can get away… but mostly I want you to miss me the way I miss you.

I want to you miss my holding you at night. I want you to miss the times we did just the most boring thing together like get groceries, make dinner, do laundry, or just drive home late after work. I want you to miss coffee in the morning, lunch visits, and afternoon surprises. I want you to miss all that is here at home that has always been waiting for you.. wanting you more than anyone.

So yes, I know you miss me sometimes. I still miss you all the time.

Question: Is it safe to send you mail? (not email) Or, will that cause more drama than it’s worth?

P.S. Is your therapist telling you to not follow your heart?