Category: Trial of Love

I saw a plaque the other day that said “Bloom where you’re planted” – all I could think was “that is so not you”.

I’m trying to bloom where I am planted. I hope you are flowering where you are.

Hi, this weekend and Monday have been a nightmare. Friday and Sunday were washouts, and today not much better. I have water coming through the garage ceiling, and the job just keeps growing.

It only seems to stop raining for a few hours at a time. Not long enough to dry out or get much done. I’ve also not had the help I thought I would – but I’m not surprised at that. I just don’t want to be on the roof when no one is home or around.

I hope you had a much better weekend than me. You’ll have to tell me why men suck again.

Part of missing you is the inspiration you always gave me. I thought all things were possible when I was with you.

Be well. Smile when  you can. Don’t let the fools get to you.

It was really nice to hear from you today and call. After a long weekend working, it gave me a smile. 😉

I told you I would always be there for you as I am able… that I would always love you. I’m sorry you’re turning into such a big sap! lol It is good to see I can soften that tough exterior of yours every once in a while.

I hope you had a great day. Love always, me.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of research on getting out of state. Although I am done with my responsibilities here (with listing). Other states are far more restrictive. It seems nearly every state in the south is lifetime, and some have other restrictions – mostly housing.

I’ve also been job searching. No luck there either. I may go to Chicago in May and try to beg off a job at a tradeshow. Not sure the cost will be worth the try… but looking at it. I have to see if my local contact is open to the discussion.

Meanwhile, I am needed here. I am exhausted, but I’m glad I am able to be here when he needs me. Just as I wish I was there when you needed me.

As for relationships, I don’t think I deserve to be loved or happy. I’m ok just getting by and not investing in forever or the future. I did that and, honestly, I’m afraid to feel that way again.

I love you on purpose. I care about you, on purpose.

I don’t try to irritate you or both you on purpose.

I send you flowers and cards on purpose. I try to brighten your life, on purpose.

I wish you well. I love you always.

I am waiting to hear from my son this morning – waiting to be sure he is alive. He is supposed to return to work today, but they may fire him (if they haven’t already) or not have him scheduled to work. His paperwork has been a nightmare because of the lack of mental health professionals in this area.

Today is a holiday, so that may complicate things further. We don’t know if his doctor sent the paperwork last week (was supposed to send it), and we don’t know if anyone is at work to process it, but today was the deadline to submit it.

It just sucks not knowing what is going on, what to expect next, or even what might happen today.

Thank you for your prayers. When (if) things get better, I’ll let you know.

I suck. I should have waited longer.

I can’t get you out of my mind or heart. I am truly conflicted and that is not fair to you either. I love you and I want you to be happy. I don’t know how to reconcile us as we are to how I feel. I also don’t know what is possible or how things might change.

All I can say is don’t pass up a chance at happiness and love waiting for me.

Would it be easier for you if I stopped contacting you? I saw your FB post about moving on and leaving behind unavailable men. I’m guessing I’m firmly in that category.

I do love you and care about you deeply. Somehow, our timing never worked out. We just never connected when it was right for both of us. I still hope that is possible someday. But its not fair to ask you to wait for me to change things.

You’ll always be in my heart.

To love unconditionally would also mean to show your vulnerabilities, share your weaknesses, and let someone who loves you offer help. (and accept it!)

10 Qualities Of Strong Women That Men Can’t Handle

“and will do anything to guide, support, love, and fight for him;”

But maybe, that is only if love is reciprocal. It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you if you can’t love them. Finding a love that fits is perhaps more important than finding a love that is true.

After reading the link above again… it’s kind of like a horoscope – general enough to apply sometimes, but not specific enough to really be true to us.

I always knew you were a strong person – that’s what makes you so attractive. I always wanted that love. To be truly together, a team.

And, against reality, I still hope it might happen someday. But with each passing day and the occasional post, I realize I was not your love. He is still out there pulling strings like its some kind of game. You deserve better…. better than me, and better than that.

I did something I haven’t done in a while – I walked up to the bank on Friday. First, the weather was finally nice enough to walk outside. And second, I had to make a deposit right away because of the Monday holiday.

It seems surreal to walk in and see Austin there and not see you. It just took me off guard for a moment last week. The walk back to work was spent trying to reconcile my feelings to reality. Sometimes, you just forget and are caught off guard. Like when you pick up a coffee cup that a parent used all the time and the memories rush in.

Just rambling thoughts while missing you. Be well and find happiness. You deserve it.