Author: Him

9:45 pm.

We just hung up. I said good bye.

My heart aches and I am so sad. I want you in my life, but I am not able to be just friends, and you are not able to be more than friends. You don’t want to date me and that baffles me. We dated so well. Clearly, you want me in your life. So how could you hurt me so and discard my love for you like a used tissue? I know that first Tuesday night we spent together haunts you. I will write an account of what happened that night to see if it will help you. Maybe you will be able to understand and come to terms with that night. Yes, you need to decide what you want before it is too late; before it destroys me.

8:30 pm.

You asked me if I was staying in town to watch the fireworks. I said I wasn’t and tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. I feel alone and betrayed. You didn’t respond to me tonight, and I fear you are out (on a date?). I know you wouldn’t tell me, but I should have seen the signs. Last night saying you didn’t want me to feel like you were using me. The text message this morning that sounded more like guilt. Not answering now and never promising to talk later. I feel you are dumping me again and the feeling sucks. Did you use me? The gifts I gave were given freely. But did you use me for your own emotional support. Do you only want me when you are sad? You seem to only want to have fun with someone else. I feel so stupid and foolish. I am too horrible a person to be loved. I would have been better off not answering your call last week.

Thursday, 7:30 am.

Dearest, I tossed and turned all night, getting little sleep this morning. I am unsettled. I want you in my life so much but I worry. I miss your daily messages and cheerful “Good Morning” texts. My arms long to hold you and my lips want to kiss you so badly. I am not sure when I will hear from you. You said good night with no promise of calling or texting. I know you are busy with your move, and that you are not one to plan or promise. I am steeling myself to not hear from you for a few days. I hope to hear from you again.

I still feel I can’t be the one to initiate contact for fear of being pushy or intruding. You know I love you, and I know that makes you unsettled. I will try to be your friend, but I will always want you as a lover. Missing you-

Wednesday, 9:30 pm

Dear, we talked on the phone tonight, and at one point you said you might surprise me. I hope you pleasantly surprise me by deciding to date me. Please, please, don’t give me false hope! I don’t think I could survive the heartache again. I love you and want you. But, I fear being just a stop on the K-train. I want it all, the true commitment to work towards happily ever-after, or whatever version of that we carve out for ourselves (together). I still believe it is possible to be in love and work together towards a future.

My lessons in patience are coming along, and although I need a more concrete, black-and-white action in my life than you do, I can try to “go with the flow” and be patient. I hope to stay connected enough to allow you to fall in love with me, but not hold on so tightly that I choke away our friendship. You have been in this situation yourself, waiting to see if good will happen. Will I be the heart-broken fool? Please don’t hurt me. I love you. Good night.

12:50 p.

I drove by the funeral home. I felt compelled to pay my respects to you- knowing you were inside dealing with family, ex family, step family, and your own grief. I imagined you as the strong one, caring for everyone else. I’m looking at the weather and I pray the rains hold off until after the internment. I am here for you if you ask. I know, you don’t want to ask and I wish you would. Love.

Wednesday, July 2, 9:20a

I’m at work feeling a bit lost. I so much wish I could comfort you today. I hope beyond reasonable hope to hear from you today, but I know it will be a day full of family, friends from the past, and tears. My love to you. I’ll be waiting. Patience is not my virtue, but I’m getting plenty of practice.

Wednesday, 7:00 am

Dearest, today is the funeral. I can only imagine the stress you will feel, mixed with moments of reflection and loneliness. I will be ready if you call, even though I know it is unlikely you will need or want me there. This is a family day. My heart goes out to you.

I know there is no plan for future contact between us, so I will wait and be ready for you to call upon me. I suspect it will be when you return home and check your mail. You’ll probably call me an ass. I hope you will also know it is a gift of love. Today will be different, knowing you are sad and that I can’t comfort you.

All my love, always.

9:15 pm.

Thank you for calling me. I feel so bad for your emotional pain right now. I will be here for you if you want me.

Tuesday, July 1, 6:15 pm.

You texted me today to bring down boxes. You did not call last night and I feared you were wanting to say good bye. I hugged you and it just felt right to have you in my arms, even for just that fleeting moment. We talked a few minutes and I emailed you my writing of how and why I love you. I fear my words don’t have the weight or do justice to my feelings. I hope you can read beyond the words and feel my intents. It was painful to let you go. I will be there if you need me. Your response to my email was short, and no response to my reply. I hope you take the time to read it again and know my love is true. I have hope, but it is weary and tired with disappointment and heartache.

Tuesday, 6:00 am.

I slept with the phone on my bed hoping you would call. I sent you a text last night saying you should call if you wanted. I guess you didn’t want to speak with me. I feel sad, but not surprised. It seems to always be this way; you call me then avoid me. I have a long day ahead of me and I will try to keep myself busy so I’m not focused on my sadness or hopelessly waiting for you to contact me. I keep thinking about your sadness at the passing of your dad and wishing I could hug you again. I love you, but it hurts. Maybe we will wait until September. It hurts to think it may be never. I hope that god either brings you to me or allows me to let you go. This is an exercise in patience, which I have none. I’m still madly in love with you and missing you.