Author: Him

So why is it so hard?

Dearest, My love for you is easy. Being with you, caring for you, and our conversations are easy. And although our loving you is easy, relationships take work. Not the type of work like cleaning the bathroom, but work of joy, of giving on ones self, and passion to come together

Yes, we are different people with different experiences from different paths. But our paths have crossed and joined together. Relationships are not always easy, and ours has had its struggles. Part of our struggle is we both want what we want, and those two things don’t always align. So we push each other a little and grind on each others’ feelings at times. But we also explore each other through our many conversations, spending time together, sharing our pasts and our dreams. As we move through this process, hopefully we will begin to cut our own path together – figuring out a way that works for both of us, and makes us both richer and more fulfilled than being without each other. Moving towards our own ever-after.

You inspire me more than any other person has in my life. I am not trying to change who you are, but only how you view a future together. You make me want to change some things about me so we can be more at ease together. I am willing to try.

I love you.

Thursday, 6:30 am.

Dearest, you kept texting me after midnight last night. I was pissed and you were drunk and needy. I asked if you wanted to read my diary, and you said yes. So, I gave you the link to this site. I offered this to you so you could see that yes, I do get upset, but I always love you.

You asked what I want last night. I want you to step up. I want you to admit we have something more than a friendship. And I want you to put some effort into seeing if we can have a relationship. Your text said you would try. When I finally called you out frustration, you said you want to withdraw.

So, I challenge you again. Please, step up instead of walking away. I love you. Yes, you sometimes are a bitch (your word, not mine). I hope you call or text me. I also hope that as you read this site, you realize the one constant throughout is that I love you and care for you, and I will always be here for you, when you decide you want me. All my love you you.

Wednesday, 10:05 pm.

Drunk you strikes again. You called and wanted to talk “about us”. We run around in circles, you don’t want what I do want, etc. etc.

Nothing says you care about me like your hanging up mid conversation because you’ve fallen asleep (or passed out).

We go around and around in circles. We are not friends, because we are more than friends. But something is going to break. You just keep using me as your safe place with no investment of your own. I asked you before if you really had any skin in the game. I’m not seeing it. Sure, I am your most trusted friend, but I do feel insecure and expendable. You give nothing to me to make me think otherwise.

Tonight was just another classic example. We talk about what you need and want, then you argue that what I want is unreasonable or impossible. If it really is impossible, then just say good bye and leave me be. I love you. I would give you all I have. But if you can’t even make a commitment to date and work on a relationship, then there is nothing left.

So, I guess I should thank you for caring so much that you passed out drunk and dropped your phone. It really lets me know just how much you care. FUCK YOU!

10:40a

My dearest, is helping you so wrong? Yes, I am a planner and you see that as a “fixer”. I know you don’t easily accept help. I care about you, and I want to help. It is not that I am trying to solve your problems or take away anything from you, but I am trying to be supportive while you work through your struggles.

You have struggles I can barely fathom and certainly can’t fix. I couldn’t sleep last night after reading about the potential life-threatening condition you face, and trying to find reasonable information about treatments and expectations. It scares me, and I can only imagine what you are feeling as you face the unknown, and then the known.

I felt like you were pushing me away again this morning, when I feel I should support you most. I am here for you no matter what your future brings.

When I asked you some time ago, “Where do you want to be in life in five years?”, you answered “ALIVE”. I now understand that feeling. I want you around me for a long time. I hope to see you today, and see how you are feeling. I will ask you someday if I can go to your oncology appointment with you.

Dearest,

I’ve read more than I ever want to know about your potential medical condition. I am fearful for you. I just want to hold you and cry. I know I catastrophize too much, but I can’t imagine your fear, and the fear you constantly live with about cancer and side effects. I pray that you let me in and that god keeps you well and safe. I know we all die, and that not everyone reaches old age, but I want you around me a very long time. We will face this fear. And, should we find you have a less than healthy diagnosis, I pray you will let me be your support, your crutch. Maybe this is god’s purpose for my life, to be a caregiver. I have so much love to give and I want to be with you – no matter the circumstance!

I hope you sleep well. I will try to sleep, but it is difficult to sleep without holding you. All my love to you.

P.S. I feel like an ass for worrying about how you feel about me when you are facing such challenges.

Sunday, 8:00 am

Dearest, or should I say “honey”?

Yesterday was a very nice surprise to have breakfast with you and go the the farmer’s market. When I arrived to pick you up, you were wearing only a towel. I so much wanted to grab you, to hold you, and to make love to you. You are so beautiful to me, and I desire you so.

Yes, I was jealous of your ex at breakfast, because he has your love. You have said you broke up because you could not live together, but not because you don’t love him. I want your love for myself. So, I am jealous that he has (or had) something I don’t. I fear I may never have your love.

I sent you a text last night I wasn’t sure I should send. I did (and do) want you to spend the night with me – in my arms. I want to hold you close and comfort you. And I want you to comfort me. I look forward to seeing you this afternoon even though we have a daunting task. I am undecided about how much assistance to offer you. I know you will refuse it at first, but it may be the only way for you to survive financially. My love you always.

Wednesday, 11:15 pm.

Dearest, thank you for calling me tonight. I wish you would accept my help and not be so stubbornly independent. It seems so obvious to me that you should move in with me, but I know you don’t love me and can’t commit to that. I will help you as much as you will allow to straighten up your finances and get you on track. I told you I would help you find your bliss, even if it means losing you in the process. I love you and you deserve the best from my friendship. I hope we talk tomorrow. All my love –

Wednesday, 7:10 am.

Dearest, you sent me a text after we talked last night, “you don’t need to worry about me”. I know that is you telling me to back off. This morning, I wait for you to contact me. I wonder if you will. I know I can be over-bearing or intrusive at times, and I will back off.

I was hoping you would suggest we get a drink together tonight, but I see that you need your space away from me. You don’t want to feel pressure (to fall into bed?). I hurt last night when your response to my invitation for you to come to my place sometime was “hmmmm”. I felt that was worse than no response at all. Like you shut the door on possibility. I feel the fool. I love you, but I die a little each day.

Tuesday, 8:30 pm.

Dearest, I wonder where we are on our journey. Are we progressing or digressing? On Sunday and Monday I felt we were closer and coming to a middle ground. But after visiting you last night our communications today feel strained. I feel like you are pulling back again. I seems that if you know I will be there for you, you don’t need to draw me in further. I promise to try to be a good friend and live in the moment and appreciate what you are able to give.

I will help you, as you allow, to dig out and get to a point of financial and emotional stability. And, yes, even if that means that I loose you. Someday you will understand that I love you, and what love really means. Thank you for being with me, allowing me to be with you – both emotionally and physically, and thank you for accepting that I love you.

3:30 pm

I feel I’ve made a mistake. It feels like you are withdrawing again, and I’m sure it is because I showed up last night. It seems you only want me (emotionally) when you are hurting. And, when I ease that pain you start to pull away, maybe scared of being too close or afraid I love you too much. I try to remind myself to be grateful for what you give and can give. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure a solution to your living problem – knowing you won’t come live with me. I should RUN. You tell me to run, and today I feel that I am doomed to be the fool. I hope I’m wrong. I love you.

I asked you out for a drink today, but you are working and have no time. You didn’t suggest another time though. I guess I can’t wish my dreams to come true.