Author: Him

I just don’t know what to do. I try to act normal, pretend things will work out, but at each turn I feel more sadness. I forced myself out of bed today to go to church, only to have my car die. I walked down to work to try and keep my mind busy, but I am cluttered with thoughts of you – good thoughts of past times and prayers for you.

I know life moves on and time marches past. Thank you for your comments, at least I feel like you don’t hate me. As for the photo – its of a great time we had together, and that isn’t recognizable. My other photos of you I keep for myself, not to share with the world.

1 Comment: Her – I have no reason to hate you. I care about you. I love you. I just don’t want a relationship. You cannot handle that. It puts at am impasse…… 1/4/15

I hope you are well. I wanted to comment on your Facebook post but felt you may not welcome me yet. I am lost waiting for you. I switch from computer to phone and back to computer checking to see if you’ve sent me a note, a text, or a comment. I have written so many messages to you, only to delete them. They all say the same thing in different ways: I miss you.

I’ll hang around a while longer, and life moves forward with or without me. All my best to you always.

1 Comment: Her – Thank you for the Facebook message. It is always nice to know someone worries about me. 1/3/16

I only said goodbye until you are ready to bring me back into your life- if that is what you decide. I will love you always. I want you and I don’t know if I can stop wanting you to be mine.

Dearest,

I understand how you feel. I really do. Although its not my experience between us, I get how you feel love was too fast.

So, how do we fill in the gaps? I am truly asking because I know we can’t go back, and I do want to build a relationship with you that will last a lifetime. I know that is scary for you, and that it is difficult because I am in love with you already. Just tell me how, and I’ll work hard.

When we first met you were very open and friendly. I reached out to you and tried to ask you out without success. But you came back and I tried again. I was smitten with you at our lunch date. You were beautiful sitting at the table trying to stay neat with a messy lunch. You are still beautiful. We had hundreds of conversations and traded thousands of texts. You quickly became my best friend. I did fall in love quickly. Because you are easy to love and I care about you.

I know you are unsure about our physical relationship. Questioning whether that is all I care about. I do care about having a physical and sexual relationship with you. You have expressed that you are highly sexual and you enjoy physical contact. It is when I feel an unfiltered connection with you. I like holding you in my arms, being with you. For me, it is less about sex and more about feeling that you want me.

Thank you for trying to keep me around. I miss your texts in the morning. I drove by to see if you were at work safe. I didn’t see you, but since the doors were open I know you were there (because without you, that place will fall apart).

1 Comment: Her – You said goodbye. 1/1/16

I was just wondering if you ever think of including me in your life. I feel like I’m intruding when I have to ask to join you for a drink or go along with you.

I know you’re going to think I’m moody or pouting, and that just makes you pull away more. But, do you ever consider asking me to join you? I feel like you don’t want me to be around you with your friends or in public.

You said ‘ll last night you are reluctant to reach for my hand because you don’t want to be rejected. Is this the same thing? Or would I make you uncomfortable if I ask to go along with you? I’m just trying to find my place in your life.

1 Comment: Her – I don’t know where to begin…..I don’t ask you because I have said I don’t want to be in a relationship. Which would mean I don’t want a boyfriend. I know if I invited you out(let’s say I was headed out with the Joe’s) you would expect me to be with you(hold hands or be your “date”)…… I would no longer be the Kelly I am when you are not around. Several people have said I act different around you. I no longer know if I am the real Kelly with you or the real Kelly without you. It has become a blurred line. You want our lives to be integrated. I also try to be sensitive to what you are comfortable with. I did not do a good job of that at RiRa’s…..sorry. I told you I am not cut out for relationships, but you are designed to change that. Another thing, I have always said I go out with my friends, no matter who I am with. It was not my place to invite you. No one else brought a date. This is why I should not be in a relationship……… 12/28/2014

I’m sorry I upset you tonight. But, I don’t know if we are friends. To me, we are so much more. We are lovers. We are more deeply connected than friends. And I am not sure I am strong enough to be your friend. How do I encourage you to follow your dream when it leaves me behind? Can I be a good enough friend to hold you up, and not hold you back?

I came to visit you on Saturday – I thought I was taking your hint that you called out sick and would be home all day. I came because I want you in my life, and I don’t know how to figure that out. I came to see if you want me.

We had sex, and I was a jerk – because I was afraid that if you saw how much being with you means to me, it would scare you away again. I wanted you to think I would be ok. That it didn’t matter – but it matters a great deal. When I hold you and feel you react, when I grab you and pull you close and you kiss me – it matters.

I was very confused yesterday and today. You almost acted like were still together. Joking about you being my Christmas present. Are we together? Are we still apart?

I know you don’t know what you want. I wish you did, and I know you wish you could tell me. But, sometimes I wonder are you keeping me around just in case you decide you want me – or can’t find someone better? I know this is unfair. I am afraid of being the fool. Afraid of giving my heart away to you again only to have it shattered beyond repair.

I hope we can figure this out, in a way that doesn’t hurt either of us, and gives us both joy and peace.

I love you. I did not want to make you angry or upset. I was just trying to be honest – I don’t know what we are.

I wish I was the one that could hug you enough to bring all the broken pieces back together.

I wanted to text you and ask if you are o-k, made it home safe, ask about your schedule – but mostly to see if you are wiling to talk to me. I want you in my life but I haven’t figured out how to do that, yet.

I wish you would just “come back” to being with me, but I know that didn’t work for you. I am here if you want me – here to just be the one you let know you arrived safe or talk to about your day. I love you and care about you.

I don’t mean to seem rude or distant, but I can’t figure out how to handle life without you, or how to have you in my life and not feel the hurt and loss.

A lot has happened this week, and yet I keep coming back to wishing you were with me. I love you and I don’t know what to do with that love. And I don’t want to push you further away or make you feel bad.

If you ever want me or need anything, you know how to reach me. I won’t avoid you, but I’m afraid to try and contact you – afraid of more rejection. I’m sorry.

First, I want to thank you for speaking with me Thursday night and your message on Friday.

Yes, I do want to try and get back together. And I thank you for offering. But, what I want isn’t the issue here. I don’t want it to be false. And frankly, under the circumstances, I would just be more stressed wondering when you are going to leave me again.

If you ever decide you’d like to try again – please don’t be afraid to ask. I love you and I would like to find a way to have a relationship with you that works for you and me. And if you decide it is what you want, then we would be starting in a different place.

But for now, I need to accept the reality that we are not in a relationship and I can not expect you to feel any differently about me. I have stopped carrying the coin that I found after our first few dates. I kept it in my pocket as a constant reminder of your kindness and my love for you. A safety blanket of sorts that reminded me there was someone who cared about me and someone for me to care about.

I welcome your occasional text or comments, but I don’t feel I should be chasing you because I will only make things worse for you and me.

Be well, and know you are truly loved (even if you don’t want it).