Author: Him

You ask why I keep coming back. I have gone no where. I am always here in my love for you. Why do you come back?

Is there still something here? I think so. I hope so. I want to believe there is still more to play out – more to being together than apart. More to caring.

Why don’t I move on? Simply – I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to stop loving you or caring about you. Can you handle that?

So, I wait to see what will happen next. Will we find a middle ground? Or will time move on and leave us worn and broken.

Eventually we will move one way or the other. Some life event will bring us closer or move us further apart. But for now, I try to take it as it comes.

Alberto Ríos, 1952

One river gives its journey to the next.
We give because someone gave to us.

We give because nobody gave to us.

We give because giving has changed us.
We give because giving could have changed us.

We have been better for it,
We have been wounded by it–

Giving has many faces: It is loud and quiet,
Big, though small, diamond in wood-nails.

Its story is old, the plot worn and the pages too,
But we read this book, anyway, over and again:

Giving is, first and every time, hand to hand,
Mine to yours, yours to mine.

You gave me blue and I gave you yellow.
Together we are simple green.

You gave me what you did not have,
and I gave you what I had to give–

Together, we made something
greater from the difference.

I came across this while putting away some files. Maybe we should revisit it? I’m not sure I could stick by rule 4.

The plan: Transform in to K*****’s friend

The rules

1. D****** does not contact K. K initiates contact when she wants to chat, text, talk, or see D*****. D will only reply, or contact K if K has requested it.

2. D***** does not see K**** for a while – maybe a week, maybe more.

3. K**** does not say indefinite terms. i.e. “I don’t know what I want” or “I do care about you….” These terms only lead D***** on and confuse his emotions.

4. D***** does not try to make physical contact with K****. He does not hold K’s hand or kiss K. This will be difficult but is necessary to transform into a friendship.

5. K***** needs to hold the boundaries. K**** needs to not let D***** kiss her or hold hands. This may be difficult, but is necessary.

6. D**** keeps his mouth shut about feelings.

7. If K**** changes her mind, she can discuss it then with D, but only if she had made a true decision.

1 Comment:
Her – I am sorry you were running late yesterday, it would have been nice to day hi. Are you ok? I know you don’t understand me, but I do care. I also worry about you…..

Just wanted to tell you that.

I had it all planned out. I even asked your boss for your vacation time. But you broke up with me before I could tell you. I was going to fly us to see your son in Florida before the cruise, and then spend a week on the boat.

…and check to see that you got home safe in the snow. But, I figured that would be overstepping. I hope you are safe and sound, and I will go on the assumption that if you need me you will call or text me. I will always be there if you need me.

More of a memory…. of you sleeping with me. I was holding you. Then I woke up alone, missing you.

I’m still waiting for you “to feel right about things”

Do I believe you care? You say you love me. You say you care. You even said I shouldn’t give up on you – on us.

Yes, I want to believe. I want to believe so much. But every time I believe, you tell me you can’t be with me and don’t want a relationship.

I received your letter today and you signed it “love…” But is it love? I want so much to believe you care and can love me…. but it just keeps getting ripped away.

I try to keep myself open to you. Available to you if you ever want me. But sitting by myself in loneliness and despair, not knowing if you well ever call or come back to me is taking its toll.

You wrote that you don’t think you are waiting for something (someone?) better, but waiting for things to be better between us. How do things get better between us if we don’t see each other? Unless better between us means not seeing each other to you.

I know you want me to care. I just don’t know if I dare to hang on, to believe anymore. I don’t know how many tears I have left.

You asked if you could share this. Yes, it is open and public. I have put my diary of feelings here for you – initially so you could see that I did have doubts and concerns that I didn’t show you. And lately I’ve written knowing you would read these posts which are my fears and feelings of a moment in time.

What is missing?

What is not here on this blog are all the joys and good feelings we shared. I only seem to write when I am upset or afraid of losing you. Anyone reading this would think there was only pain in our lives and no joy. But joy and happiness triumphed during most of our relationship – and non-relationship days. There are 70 or so posts on this blog. Its been 275 days (give or take a day) since our first date. That means there were more than 200 days without pain and fear that had to be released. There were so many days of joy, happiness, and us being together in the past year. Once you decided to try and be in a relationship we were practically inseparable for the first thirty days – sleeping together nearly every night. We grew comfortable with each other – for a while.

So, don’t read this blog as the summary of our relationship. It is only the summary of my fears and pain without the balance of the good that existed. If I could somehow explain the joy when you kiss me. How I forget everything when you let me hold you – that moment makes everything else fade away. The way you fit my arms and almost ask me to pull you closer is bliss.

So if you share this blog, please do so with the caveat that it is me writing my fears and pain so I don’t have to keep them bottled inside me.