Author: Him

I tried. And I am trying.

You left me a long time ago. And yet I loved you. I did not expect your love in return. It was enough that you accepted that I loved you.

I gave you all I had. I supported you emotionally, helped you prepare to move, and tried to be your friend and support you as move on in life. I didn’t ask anything but friendship. I did this because I love you and because I want you to succeed and be happy.

It was unfair of you to ask me to be your safety net if you failed. But I agreed. It made me uncomfortable because I don’t want you to fail but I admit I would like to have you back here with me. Yet, I tried to be supportive. I answered your calls, gave my advice for what I thought was best for you (not for what I wanted), and tried to encourage you.

I didn’t un-friend you or drop away. You are the one that did that. You said you “can’t talk to” me any more. Would I be unhappy knowing you are dating? Yes, but that unhappiness was coming anyway and I knew that. I never said don’t date anyone. I didn’t ask for any loyalty or devotion. I only tried to be your friend.

Even when you did call me, you rarely asked how I was doing. Did you expect I was miserable all the time? Or did you just not care to ask?

If you want me as your friend, you’ll need to be uncomfortable at times. You’ll need to accept that what is good for you might make me sad, but that I’ll deal with that. And I’ll try to be your friend, without jugement. I’ll be uncomfortable at times. I’ll accept you as you are.

I’m far from perfect, but I am willing to try to be your friend.

Today at church was remembrance Sunday where we light candles for loved ones we lost. I could help but wonder if I needed to light a candle for you. Have I lost you from my life completely?

You sent a text the other day, asking for help, but we never connected. I suspect you don’t need my help at all, ever. But yes, I am still willing to help.

You said you don’t want contact with me. I’ll try to keep from contacting you until you say you are ready.

Was the question a metaphor? Were you asking about the emotional bandaid that has been us for the past three months? I know you will eventually move on and leave me behind. Hey, that was part of the whole moving out of state thing.

I love you and wish you happiness. Even if that can’t be with me.

1 Comment:

her 10/13/2015 03:34:55 am
What do you want me to do??? I am lonely. I have no one to spend time with other than family……. I cry all of the time!

I’m confused! But what else is new?

We were having a light conversation about my visiting sometime – driving down for a long weekend. You know I would love to come visit you and have looked several times at air fare and schedules.

Your new work schedule seems to make Friday and Saturday better for you (I think). The best weekend I could think of was Thanksgiving. But, I’m not sure that would be good with any family activities. And, I must be honest that driving nearly 2,000 miles in four or five days isn’t that exciting. Maybe a drive down on the Wednesday before and drive back on Sunday.

Still, all this seems unlikely as the conversation came to a dead standstill. Maybe you’re feeling like you need some space or overwhelmed with moving again. Just a passing day-dream.

It is just sad that you felt so worried about my reaction to you sending me flowers that you had to call and caution me that it really doesn’t mean anything. I guess I am just that pathetic. And maybe I am. But don’t worry – I get it! You’ll never love me and I should never expect anything more than cordial friendship in return from you.

The funny thing is this comes in the middle of a light conversation about me driving down for a weekend – maybe driving down on a Wednesday. Of course the weekend that would make most sense is Thanksgiving. But who wants to repeat last year’s disaster?

I feel like an emotional yo-yo. You pull me in when you want support and then chase me away when you get scared I am too clingy or needy. Wrong?

You are going back to your new home. You make small talk littered with hopeful statements of meeting in the future. Am I losing you? Is there something more?

I love you, and you may never believe it. I am sad at your leaving, but happy to have spent time with you. I look to you as we move forward in time to see if we move further apart.

Did that feeling return of feeling special? I want you to know you are special to me. And, that is why I met you at the airport. Not because you needed anything, or weren’t capable, but because you are special and should feel wanted and loved.

I know you have lots going on and too much to do in your 5-1/2 days back in town. I feel privileged to be spending Sunday afternoon, evening, and night with you. I hope you are able to rest (even sleeping at your mother’s), feel better, and have fun.

I fell in love with someone.

I know how she likes her coffee,
I know her favorite colors for jewelry,
I love the way she laughs,
Her heart beats a beautiful melody,
Her kisses are sweet, but she doesn’t want to kiss in public,
I am proud of her.

I never wanted to hurt her, only support her emotionally,
She has no flaws to me,
I want her every hour of every day.

But she didn’t fall in love with me.

I think of you often, and I’m glad when we can text or chat. It makes me feel better, but also it makes me miss you.

I know that if you were here, our situation wouldn’t really be any different. But I still love you. Yes, I have a small but impossible hope that someday you will love me too – and want to be with me.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know that for right now, I want to keep you in my life in some way.