Author: Him

05/04/15

Happiness does not come from being loved. If it did, you would be happy beyond all belief. No, happiness comes from loving someone that accepts your love and returns love to you as well.

I was truly happy in fall of 2014. I felt we were in love. I was happy when you were with me. Not just physically with me. I was happy all the time: at work, at home, at home washing your car while you were at work at the store. So, yes, you made me able to be happy.

As you said, we were comfortable, at least for a while.

05-07-16

I understand you can not be happy with me. And that, is sad. I do truly hope you can find your happiness. Of course, I wanted you to find that with me. And although I understand you can’t find it here, I still wish you could. The human part of me doesn’t want to see you happy until I am happy. But then if I think about you being unhappy, it makes me feel worse – like a heel.

And I choose to chase love, go for the dream.

Of course, I am just like you. I had that decision to make once as well. It did not work out, But I don’t regret it. I have some of the sweetest and fondest memories of my life from my time with you. You opened me up to the possibility of what truly being in love can feel like. Unfortunately, I do think you were the one great love of my life and I can never see anyone else replacing you.

05/03/16 8:00p

We talked. It seems the only thing we can agree on is that it has all been said, and nothing will change. We don’t feel the same about each other. (I’m trying to be nice here.)

I get it. I really do. Sometimes the best thing we could do for ourselves would be give up and settle, but our hearts won’t let us. Maybe we are the last true romantics than can’t help but wait for the perfect, happy ending.

For us, it is not enough to be loved, but we need to be in love. And, as long as there is someone dangling stings we can never be free to move on. Life is difficult enough without trying to get through each day with a broken heart.

I look back and wonder how I ever went down this road. I was sitting by myself one Sunday night steeled to my fate, when a Facebook message popped up asking what happened to me. Two minutes would have made all the difference.

Maybe I am the stupid loser. But at least I know I gave my all, offered all I can, and tried my best. I loved you completely.

I thought I should have asked, “if we run away together, and go somewhere else, would it matter?” Somehow, I already know that answer.

I don’t know where to go from here or what will happen. I am deeply hurt. I don’t want to lose touch, but I have already lost you. (I guess that isn’t true… I never truly had you to loose. I’ve only lost my hope for love.)

1 Comment: her 5/14/2016 09:34:34 am

I would’ve run away…..it is what I wanted. I don’t know if it would work, but….

I received your comment, and see you deleted your blog. Maybe you are leaving everything old behind to start anew. If so, that means you won’t be reading this.

I don’t know why we can never talk, and the only communication is snippets of text or comments. I think you take me the wrong way more often than not. Maybe you hear in your head the way you would talk to you (angry, upset, scornful?) rather than what I am really saying.

I always wish you the best, and never wanted to make you sad.

I’ll go back later this weekend and publish the posts I’ve drafted but did not publish this week. You see, I wanted to let my emotions calm down and take another look before posting something – because I didn’t want to do something that would make you sad or that I would regret later.

Good bye love.

1 Comment: her 5/3/2016 10:49:27 am

I’m glad something is happy somewhere.

I get it. Your email was all about how we didn’t work before. But, what it really means is how we will never work. Simply, you never could love me. Sure, maybe you were still in love with someone else. Maybe you can never love someone that loves you. Maybe you just don’t value yourself enough to allow that.

What ever reason you use to convince yourself, the simple facts that you don’t love me, didn’t love me, and don’t want to try again. So, what reply did you expect. You said it all. There really is nothing left to say, because there is nothing I can change.

04/28/16 10pm

I posted yesterday’s post today because you left a comment. I don’t know what you are looking for. You wanted some type of reply. You accused me of refusing to understand.

I just need time to myself to figure out how I feel. I think I understand what you said. I’m not sure why you are saying it now. The only outcome I can see is you driving me away.

I have a lot of feelings swirling around, but mostly that I don’t want to argue. It seems every time I post I just make you feel bad or you tell me I’m wrong in some way.

I see no reason to post just to cause hurt feelings.

I don’t think you really care about how I feel or what I have to say. It seems you only care that I somehow both forgive you and don’t want you. I still need time to process. Time to decide if there is any reason to ever talk with you again. You clearly said I don’t matter enough to you.

1 Comment: her 5/2/2016 06:07:48 am

And that is why I did not want to send the email. I should have written it and deleted it. Yes, we should talk…not text. Can you talk at all tomorrow? I am finally off for a day.

What do you want me to say? What did you expect I would say? You didn’t ask for my thoughts. Talk to your therapist.

1 Comment: her 4/29/2016 09:36:09 pm

You are right!!!

Here are my first thought about your email.

I think it can be distilled down to a few key facts:

• You don’t love me.
• You can’t love me, because you are still in love with someone that won’t ever love you.
• You couldn’t possibly fall in love with me because I love you. (You probably could never fall in love with someone that loves you.)
• I must be pathetic because I love you.

As you said about the guy you still love, “After 4 years you would think that someone as smart as I am (not being conceited) would figure out that if we were ever together, he would have a different back up chick.” I guess it took you 4 years of burning through men to finally admit you are still in love with someone else. I’m pretty sure I pointed that out in July while packing up your boxes.

But, don’t fool yourself into thinking you are doing this for me. “I didn’t want to do the same thing to you. I never wanted you to feel like I did. And basically when I got down here I realized I was doing that exact thing.” You are only making excuses for your behavior. You were always cheating us. You used me as your back up for everything with never giving us any opportunity to have a real relationship. You never resolved to give up on him and try to be honest in a relationship with me.

You continue, “A person should always have the respect for themselves.” So I guess you don’t think I have any respect for myself. I doubt you have any respect for me.

But, just when the door is slammed shut, you don’t fail to dangle that string: “I miss friends (yes, you).”

Well, here is something you didn’t consider. I gave myself freely to you, including my love. I would do it again. I do not consider myself pathetic for loving someone, even you.

The real reason things can not work between us seems to be that you haven’t given up on your hopeless love. Note, you never said you are over it, just that you needed to move because “…… I couldn’t be in VT knowing that one of my ex’s …will always be there. I think I will always be …[his] back up plan if I am in VT.” In fact, it sounds like a resolve to continue your fantasy.

I respect myself for giving my all to trying to have an honest, meaningful, and loving relationship. I didn’t allow myself to be like you… I always said I wanted a real and full relationship with you, not just be a fuck-buddy. Sure, you used me that way. Even at Christmas when you lied about being in a relationship now.

I used to think you were an angel.

You call, we talk, I book a flight, rent a truck, pack you up, and bring you home.

Loving you was always easy for me.

1 Comment:

her 4/22/2016 11:12:03 am

I don’t think that is a good idea, at least not right now. I know that is what you would like. I’m sorry!

It was a nice day. Sunny, not really warm, but no wind. I walked up to City Market, but no need to get anything. It made me think of you, and our lunches.

The walk was easy, but made me realize how out of shape I am when I can feel the fat jiggle. lol

I didn’t walk by the bank. I thought it would be too hard to not look into the windows looking for you.