Author: Him

I am waiting to hear from my son this morning – waiting to be sure he is alive. He is supposed to return to work today, but they may fire him (if they haven’t already) or not have him scheduled to work. His paperwork has been a nightmare because of the lack of mental health professionals in this area.

Today is a holiday, so that may complicate things further. We don’t know if his doctor sent the paperwork last week (was supposed to send it), and we don’t know if anyone is at work to process it, but today was the deadline to submit it.

It just sucks not knowing what is going on, what to expect next, or even what might happen today.

Thank you for your prayers. When (if) things get better, I’ll let you know.

I suck. I should have waited longer.

I can’t get you out of my mind or heart. I am truly conflicted and that is not fair to you either. I love you and I want you to be happy. I don’t know how to reconcile us as we are to how I feel. I also don’t know what is possible or how things might change.

All I can say is don’t pass up a chance at happiness and love waiting for me.

Would it be easier for you if I stopped contacting you? I saw your FB post about moving on and leaving behind unavailable men. I’m guessing I’m firmly in that category.

I do love you and care about you deeply. Somehow, our timing never worked out. We just never connected when it was right for both of us. I still hope that is possible someday. But its not fair to ask you to wait for me to change things.

You’ll always be in my heart.

To love unconditionally would also mean to show your vulnerabilities, share your weaknesses, and let someone who loves you offer help. (and accept it!)

10 Qualities Of Strong Women That Men Can’t Handle

“and will do anything to guide, support, love, and fight for him;”

But maybe, that is only if love is reciprocal. It doesn’t matter how much someone loves you if you can’t love them. Finding a love that fits is perhaps more important than finding a love that is true.

After reading the link above again… it’s kind of like a horoscope – general enough to apply sometimes, but not specific enough to really be true to us.

I always knew you were a strong person – that’s what makes you so attractive. I always wanted that love. To be truly together, a team.

And, against reality, I still hope it might happen someday. But with each passing day and the occasional post, I realize I was not your love. He is still out there pulling strings like its some kind of game. You deserve better…. better than me, and better than that.

I did something I haven’t done in a while – I walked up to the bank on Friday. First, the weather was finally nice enough to walk outside. And second, I had to make a deposit right away because of the Monday holiday.

It seems surreal to walk in and see Austin there and not see you. It just took me off guard for a moment last week. The walk back to work was spent trying to reconcile my feelings to reality. Sometimes, you just forget and are caught off guard. Like when you pick up a coffee cup that a parent used all the time and the memories rush in.

Just rambling thoughts while missing you. Be well and find happiness. You deserve it.

This is my last day to go shopping. Christmas eve day will be full of church and family time, with no time to run errands. I hate shopping. The searching, crowds, buying crap. I’m glad you finally got your syrup. (I wish I could do more.)

When I look back, my favorite memories are dinner at the Blue Cat and bringing you flowers at the airport. You always deserve flowers at the airport! (And, not to give to your mother!)

What are your doing on Christmas? Working?

I’ve been walking around with your xmas card in my bag for the past week. I keep forgetting to mail it. I hope you will forgive me if it doesn’t arrive by Saturday. I wanted you to know I did’t forget – I could never forget you or how much you mean to me.

Be well. You are loved.

It’s very cold here today. The poor dog can only make it to the end of the driveway before his paw’s freeze up. I’m trying to get in the holiday spirit, but mostly feel as though its not worth doing. I mean, who wants to spend hundreds of dollars on things that aren’t wanted or appreciated?

I think of you often, but this is the darkest time of my memories of us. It is the time I was crushed and lonely. But I do have good memories of being with you Christmas eve. I hope those memories are good for you too.

I think about you often but don’t want to bother you. You dropped your social media so I have less of a clue as to how you are doing or feeling.

On a happy note – the thought of you still brings joy to my heart. I miss you my friend. Be well.

I’m still away, but today is the last day. Its a cold day with wind making more noise than the dishwasher. Christmas is in two weeks and I’ve done nothing to prepare. No gifts. No decorations. No plans with family.

I don’t want to be a scrooge, but I just don’t have any holiday spirit. I feel stuck just existing. Some of this is stress over money, work, and kids. The youngest is no holding up his promises, and that is causing friction.

I hope to find some holiday spirit, but I think all I found was a winter cold.

I think about you often, wonder how you are. Mostly, I miss being happy with you.

The church sermon was about pivoting, turning, and changing directions. The point was to reflect on all the changes in life that were good, but somehow I (and many others) seemed to lock on the changes that weren’t so good too.

Then, one very old lady that tends to speak her mind said we should be thankful for what we have and not dwell on what we lost. I know it can be especially difficult this time of year to be thankful when we are constantly reminded of what we’ve lost. But, I have always been thankful for meeting you.

Yes, I’ve dwelled on what happened and always wonder if it could have been different. Could there have been some point in time that the smallest change would have put us on a different path? Although we will never know, I still look for my missed opportunity.

But, I am thankful to have met you. Thankful to love you. And thankful you are still part of my life. Although we’re not together, it was you that saved me and showed me love can happen again.

It is this love that makes we wish you happiness and success. I do truly want you to be happy. Who knows what the future holds for each of us, or us together.

Love always, and prayers for both of us.