The pain remains, even today.
Heartbreak at first, the pain is excruciating. Every movement or breath is a painful reminder I’m alive when I feel like I’ve been killed. The tears just come out, over and over. There is no comfort.
Soon, I am able to hide the pain from public. Control the tears so they only arrive when I’m alone. The pain is always there, just under the surface, consuming my thoughts. I struggle to keep it hidden.
Eventually the pain is part of the everyday existence. It is a companion I don’t want, but would not know how to live without. The pain of heartbreak is a reminder of what was, and what is no longer and will never be again. I hope beyond reason love will return, but the pain is a reminder that it can’t.
The tears still come. But, mostly when I am alone. I still long for you and your touch. My mind won’t let me forget holding you. My heart won’t let me forget what love once was.
Time continues on, no matter how much I wish it would stop. The days all blend into each other, wake up, do what needs to be done, back to bed. Some nights I sleep while others I just wonder why I am here.
I try to focus on the immediate. Having defined tasks and things to do keeps me occupied, but I lack even the most basic motivation. When you were here, I always wanted to make this place better. I wanted to make it someplace you wanted. Now I look around and see dozens of unfinished projects that I have no energy to tackle.
I miss what was, and accepting it will never be again has me depressed. It has reached the point that I’m starting meds again. Better to feel nothing than feel what I do.