A while ago you talked about approaching a certain age and wanting to be settled. You said you wanted a partner, a certainty in life.
I was there too. I was there when you left this state. I was there when a year went by and you told me not to contact you any more. I was there when a year had passed, then an other. I’m older than you.
I had wanted to be settled with you. But that was no longer an option. And yes, I was both lonely and alone. I sought a companion.
What you wouldn’t let me explain when I saw you a year ago was how I found and chose someone. As you noted, things here seem a little fucked up. So, let me explain.
First, I found someone that didn’t demand (or even need) a commitment. But someone that was ok with just living in the moment. We both understood that either could leave at anytime. And, with her divorce not final yet, it ensured that there would be no pressure to be anything more than a day-by-day experience.
Second, I found someone that would welcome you. I found someone I thought you would like and get along with. Someone that (at that time) understood I loved you first.
I know, different. But you see, I always thought of you in everything. If you recall, we talked about your desires.
The other reality, I was going broke. I could not afford to live by myself for much longer. Having a roommate has made things much easier – as I’m sure you understand.
So, companionship, economics, and utter loneliness (if not total fear of being alone) all shaped what happened.
I still love you. And, I always will. But, I am working on accepting what can’t be.
