Month: September 2016

Its been a busy week. I got a call Friday at 2am – water running out my office front door. It seems a toilet broke upstairs and flooded my office. I’ve been working 15 hour days trying to get things back to some resemblance of normal. Computers are finally working again.

I still think about you constantly. I was hoping you would write or text. I know you still have family visiting in the area, and probably rarely have a free minute to yourself.

I hope you’re having a good Autumn. I’m here.

2 Comments

Her 9/29/2016 03:50:50 am

Of course you are fixing the problems at work….. You are a fixer.

It is not autumn here. It starts at 70 and by noon it’s around 85. People are wearing boots and fleece because it is “so cold”.

I am missing VT. And yes, I am missing you. I never know if I should text, I do not want to make you sad.

Her 10/6/2016 11:37:33 am

Bored at work. Reading your old blog posts!

Sometimes, life feels completely out of control, lost, and even hopeless.

Life gets so crazy. We guess at every decision, wonder if what we are doing is right or wrong, or if it even matters. Life starts to spins, our minds search for meaning and our bodies search for a place of belonging. I know your life can feel completely nuts at time.

But, If you’re the nut, I’m the crazed squirrel that desires you to no end.

All my love, always (whether I want to love you or not).

I check my phone during the day and in the middle of the night. I wake up early, looking to see if you have written or commented. But, I know you have family with you, and are probably reasonably busy and content.

It was nearly a year since I last held you in my arms. And, just one hug had me falling in love all over again. But, now you are gone again. We have no plan, no roadmap, no promise to ever see each other again in our lives. My heart feels empty again. I feel lonely and can’t help but wonder, “what if…”

What if… I come to you?

What if… we run away?

But, I could never stop you from leaving. I know, you need to be your own person and find your own path.

Still, my heart wants you.

Be well and take care.

2 Comments

her 9/19/2016 06:05:26 pm
You could’ve…. If you tried. I will be moving in March…… No matter what!

Him 9/19/2016 06:08:10 pm
so, come home.

It was nice to see you. I was really afraid of my own feelings, I will be honest, it has taken me a long time to get past you leaving. And the prospect of seeing you left me a bit unsteady.

I never wanted to make you cry. I am glad for you that you are piecing your life together and moving forward. I truly wish you to be happy.

However, seeing you only confirmed to me that I still have deep feelings for you that just seem will never go away. My heart jumped at the passing thought of showing up on your doorstep. But I am afraid that would not be enough for either of us.

As I said, if you are ever back in Vermont, you’ll know where to find me.

Love and best wishes always.

3 Comments

her 9/17/2016 05:50:05 am

I almost changed my mind about seeing you. I try not to let on about how bad things have been. I did not want to cry in front of you. I did not want to appear weak.

him 9/17/2016 03:24:37 pm

I ordered corned beef has at breakfast today. Not because I wanted hash, but I wanted to feel some connection to you.

her 9/17/2016 03:42:04 pm

Haven’t had any since I was last with you…..

If I had tried to stop you at the airport, would I have succeeded? Probably not. We are both too practical to give way to such whimsey – however romantic the movies make it seem.

And, I would be far too afraid to even try. Either, I would have my heart broken again, or I would be the complete fool and buy a ticket to come with you. But, as you know, running away only makes your problems run after you.

It seems the airport has always been the problem. The first time you went to that airport when we were first dating is when I think you resolved to not need me. You came back changed. Maybe it was just the first alone time away from me you had to evaluate what was happening.

I often live in my own fantasy where I can come crashing in and take you away. Or, just show up and make everything work out. But, I’m no Officer and a Gentleman.

If you ever feel alone against the world, remember, I am always rooting for you.

Will I see you? Will you want to see me?

I wonder and wait to see if you want to try and see me this trip. What will it be? A lunch again where we politely lie to each other and hold back the sadness.

Will you be traveling alone? Or will seeing me entail getting way on your own… a secret. I miss you, as much as I missed you the day you left… as much as I missed you a year ago. My heart still longs for you, it can not be changed no matter how hard I try.

1 Comment:
her 9/8/2016 09:27:31 pm
I am here alone. I do not do well with secrets…..