Month: May 2016

Sometimes, my children help me out without knowing it. Facing a long weekend alone, I actually considered just driving and showing up. I know. Foolish. Foolish thoughts often come in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. Thankfully, I needed to dog sit this weekend, and the dog hates the car. Still, I wonder what your reaction would have been to see Jax.

I joined the Rolling Thunder ride yesterday. The trip home was in a thunder storm past your old apartment. I was not prepared for the wave of emotion that overcame me. The last time I was there, I was packing you up to leave. Good thing it was raining….hiding the tears on my face.

I hope you found some enjoyment this weekend.

1 Comment: her 6/2/2016 07:23:31 am

Unfortunately I would’ve been at work most of the week. I went to the vineyard with my sister and some friends on Saturday. I think you would’ve enjoyed the place. Not my favorite vineyard, but it was nice. Blues and BBQ….

Visiting my landlord at the nursing home right now. Will write more later.

I saw your comments and am seriously thinking about how to run away. Could I? Where to go?

I’m glad you had time with your son and can “see the light”.

It is Saturday morning, and unexpectedly sunny. The weather forecast had been for rain. I guess I have a few things to do today.

• trash to the dump
• haircut
• replace the fuel pump in my winter car
• try to not check email every 10 minutes to see if you left a comment.

The beauty of the day does not compare to my memories of your smile. Be well.

I think about you often. I miss your blog. At least when you were writing (even if you weren’t writing to me), I could check in and see what was happening in your life. It just feels like something else missing.

I was grocery shopping and strawberries were on sale. I thought about buying some to freeze for your smoothies. I walk through the store and remember buying ribeye steaks, fruit for fruit salad…. making dinner.

I just miss having you in my life. I hope your life is going well.

1 Comment: her 5/14/2016 09:39:04 am

Calvin was here this past week. It was fun. I have a new job. I will be working for a local bank as a traveling teller. I also received a raise at the store, so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to pay down bills and save some money. I need to move!

I know you are far away from your children and mom. Yet, I still hope you can have a happy day filled with joy and warmth.

You are the only one I could think of this morning to send this wish.

05/04/15

Happiness does not come from being loved. If it did, you would be happy beyond all belief. No, happiness comes from loving someone that accepts your love and returns love to you as well.

I was truly happy in fall of 2014. I felt we were in love. I was happy when you were with me. Not just physically with me. I was happy all the time: at work, at home, at home washing your car while you were at work at the store. So, yes, you made me able to be happy.

As you said, we were comfortable, at least for a while.

05-07-16

I understand you can not be happy with me. And that, is sad. I do truly hope you can find your happiness. Of course, I wanted you to find that with me. And although I understand you can’t find it here, I still wish you could. The human part of me doesn’t want to see you happy until I am happy. But then if I think about you being unhappy, it makes me feel worse – like a heel.

And I choose to chase love, go for the dream.

Of course, I am just like you. I had that decision to make once as well. It did not work out, But I don’t regret it. I have some of the sweetest and fondest memories of my life from my time with you. You opened me up to the possibility of what truly being in love can feel like. Unfortunately, I do think you were the one great love of my life and I can never see anyone else replacing you.

05/03/16 8:00p

We talked. It seems the only thing we can agree on is that it has all been said, and nothing will change. We don’t feel the same about each other. (I’m trying to be nice here.)

I get it. I really do. Sometimes the best thing we could do for ourselves would be give up and settle, but our hearts won’t let us. Maybe we are the last true romantics than can’t help but wait for the perfect, happy ending.

For us, it is not enough to be loved, but we need to be in love. And, as long as there is someone dangling stings we can never be free to move on. Life is difficult enough without trying to get through each day with a broken heart.

I look back and wonder how I ever went down this road. I was sitting by myself one Sunday night steeled to my fate, when a Facebook message popped up asking what happened to me. Two minutes would have made all the difference.

Maybe I am the stupid loser. But at least I know I gave my all, offered all I can, and tried my best. I loved you completely.

I thought I should have asked, “if we run away together, and go somewhere else, would it matter?” Somehow, I already know that answer.

I don’t know where to go from here or what will happen. I am deeply hurt. I don’t want to lose touch, but I have already lost you. (I guess that isn’t true… I never truly had you to loose. I’ve only lost my hope for love.)

1 Comment: her 5/14/2016 09:34:34 am

I would’ve run away…..it is what I wanted. I don’t know if it would work, but….