Month: March 2016

It doesn’t seem to work. I can’t forget. I can’t clear my head. I wonder how you are. Do you miss me? Do I want to know? – probably not. I am looking for strings that aren’t there.

You would think there would be no time to miss you. With the aftermath of last week weighing heavily on my son, I am busy trying to care for him, but my mind still finds time to keep checking your blog, watching the stats on this one — trying to see if you check.

I haven’t written in a while as I was trying to break myself completely from you. But I am missing you even more now. I have no one to talk with. I spend nights on D**”s couch. It isn’t much good for sleeping, but I don’t sleep much either. Its tough going while he waits for justice and bears the burden of his job.

I write and delete. And, write again.

Back to working.

Spring seems to have decided not to come here anytime soon. It is a bit cold and there is not much to do. I spent too much time inside this weekend, looking at the same walls, in a bit of a funk.

As much as I would like to get out of this place, I am reluctant to put myself out there. I feel unwanted everywhere. I just see memories with no future. Dieting sucks and I haven’t lost any weight in two weeks. I get so hungry and then grab a snack because i just can’t stand it. I’m not eating junk, but I’m eating more than 1200 cals a day. Hopefully the warm weather will hurry up and get here so I can get the bike out again.

I hope you have found some way to be happy in some part of your life.

1 Comment: her 3/27/2016 07:47:48 pm

I am in a funk also. Alcohol and antidepressants do not change it! Good luck!

I tried. I really tried.

I went out on a couple of dates. She was nice. Not instant chemistry, but someone I could see myself hanging out with, ride motorcycles, etc.

But, my past came up and I felt I had to disclose I was in prison before. That seems to have slammed the door. I tried texting a few days later, no reply. I assume she doesn’t want anything to do with me now. (She probably looked me up on the internet.)

As much as I am disappointed, I’m not really upset. I couldn’t see me falling in love. And, not dating will be better for my diet anyway. Three dates was enough to gain two pounds instead of losing weight (too much beer?). My latest labs show improvement, but not enough to quit meds. A1C is 5.8. Cholesterol numbers didn’t move at all – surprisingly.

I guess I’m writing this here, because even though we’re not friends, I have no one else to tell. I just had to get it out.

1 Comment:

Her 3/13/2016 08:32:31 am

I get it, about writing here. It is like sending a message, without directing it. I write on my page occasionally. If it helps to know I am not happy. I am just existing….. be well!

I’ve changed my life insurance and will. I dropped you as a beneficiary. But, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to remove you from my heart.

You say you deleted me…. you’ve left me so many times I would think it is easy for you. You are with someone else – you never wanted me the way I wanted you.

I do really wish you happiness. Yes, I hoped you would be happy with me. Please take care of yourself. Even in you are not in my life, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.