Month: November 2015

yup. I have it. On drugs. Unhappy.

The unusually warm November weather and bright sun days make that Monday in September seem not so far away. That Monday we had breakfast and sat as friends. I didn’t know that was good-bye. The conversation held promise.

My phone rang yesterday — a telemarketer as usual. I thought I should disconnect the land line. I don’t use it anymore. It serves no useful purpose. But, not yet, on the off chance it rings sometime and it is an old friend. The one I miss so much.

1 Comment:

her 11/14/2015 05:28:41 pm
I guess you didn’t listen, I did ask, but you avoided answering the question….. I will write more later. I need to sleep, I work at 4:00am for the next 4 weeks. ur friend

I tried. And I am trying.

You left me a long time ago. And yet I loved you. I did not expect your love in return. It was enough that you accepted that I loved you.

I gave you all I had. I supported you emotionally, helped you prepare to move, and tried to be your friend and support you as move on in life. I didn’t ask anything but friendship. I did this because I love you and because I want you to succeed and be happy.

It was unfair of you to ask me to be your safety net if you failed. But I agreed. It made me uncomfortable because I don’t want you to fail but I admit I would like to have you back here with me. Yet, I tried to be supportive. I answered your calls, gave my advice for what I thought was best for you (not for what I wanted), and tried to encourage you.

I didn’t un-friend you or drop away. You are the one that did that. You said you “can’t talk to” me any more. Would I be unhappy knowing you are dating? Yes, but that unhappiness was coming anyway and I knew that. I never said don’t date anyone. I didn’t ask for any loyalty or devotion. I only tried to be your friend.

Even when you did call me, you rarely asked how I was doing. Did you expect I was miserable all the time? Or did you just not care to ask?

If you want me as your friend, you’ll need to be uncomfortable at times. You’ll need to accept that what is good for you might make me sad, but that I’ll deal with that. And I’ll try to be your friend, without jugement. I’ll be uncomfortable at times. I’ll accept you as you are.

I’m far from perfect, but I am willing to try to be your friend.

Today at church was remembrance Sunday where we light candles for loved ones we lost. I could help but wonder if I needed to light a candle for you. Have I lost you from my life completely?

You sent a text the other day, asking for help, but we never connected. I suspect you don’t need my help at all, ever. But yes, I am still willing to help.