Month: August 2015

I fell in love with someone.

I know how she likes her coffee,
I know her favorite colors for jewelry,
I love the way she laughs,
Her heart beats a beautiful melody,
Her kisses are sweet, but she doesn’t want to kiss in public,
I am proud of her.

I never wanted to hurt her, only support her emotionally,
She has no flaws to me,
I want her every hour of every day.

But she didn’t fall in love with me.

I think of you often, and I’m glad when we can text or chat. It makes me feel better, but also it makes me miss you.

I know that if you were here, our situation wouldn’t really be any different. But I still love you. Yes, I have a small but impossible hope that someday you will love me too – and want to be with me.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I know that for right now, I want to keep you in my life in some way.

I don’t know why, but when you send that text it seems so permanent. Like you’re done with me or trying to get further away from me. Text is the perfect way to miss-communicate. lol

I received your email today and was happy to be included in your plans. And, I know how you hate to make plans. A month seems so long. It has been a long three weeks (PLUS!) since you left. I know you’ve been busy, but I’ve felt your absence every day.

Miss you and wish you well.

How I wish you thought of me and here as home. Not that I want you to have such a miserable time that you feel overwhelmed.

I was nice talking with you today and helping you out with emails. I hope you call tonight.

All my love, and my best wishes.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it’s clear that you don’t feel the same way for me… the problem is that as much as I can’t force you to love me, I can’t force myself to stop loving you.

8/14/2015

My phone rang – just half a ring. Just enough to bring your picture up on the screen and then you were gone. Did you pocket dial me? I kept hoping you were going to call back. I was going to call you but was afraid the timing might be bad.

I’m sorry you are having a bad day and about your car window. I am here if you want to talk. I know, you said you didn’t want to cry. But sometimes a good cry helps.

Is it silly I looked at ticket prices to fly down labor day weekend? Yes, but I thought about it.

I know you have lots going on, and I’m not part of your new life. If you need a friendly voice feel free to call.

Love always

1 Comment:

Her 8/15/2015
Sometimes I feel out of place. It is worse when I am made to go places that my family has been invited to. I know they are trying to help me fit in, but I am starting to feel like an outcast. If I could find an easier site to work with….that’s mobile friendly I would blog about it.

Thank you for being there for me!

It is nearly dark when I get home from work. The street lights are on by the time I take Jax out for a walk. I like it better this way – I’m more invisible, hiding my emotions in the darkness.

As I walk I hope you will text or call. I think about texting or calling you, but somehow that doesn’t seem right. I know your family does not like me because of my past. And I don’t want to interrupt you – as your schedule must be changing all the time.

Time grows longer since I’ve heard from you and it makes me uneasy. I am afraid that as the time fades away you become more used to me not being in your life. I saw your post on Facebook, and wondered if I was the relationship that tried to make things easy but would never be right.

I hope you are well and feeling energized about your move and job search. I wish you the best and success.

Your friend always,

I know its silly of me to miss you so. Even if you still lived here you wouldn’t be dating me. But I do miss you. Having you in my life added purpose and meaning.

I still drive by the bank, but don’t bother to look.

I think about texting you “good morning” or “goodnight” but feel I am intruding or interrupting.

I look at Facebook to see if you are having fun and getting on with life. I wonder if I overstep when I like something you post. Is it too much?

I work until exhaustion hoping to just sleep, but sleep doesn’t come easily. I lay there and wonder how you are.

Just foolish me.

Its been a week since you left. Thank you for letting me spend your last day here with you. It was worth the packing boxes. lol

I was so tired that night, but I really did want to just keep holding you. I’m glad I got to spend the time with you, and yes, I am glad we were intimate. It at least let me feel you want me sometimes.

The past few days have been dark for me. I’ve been missing you and afraid that our friendship will all but end. Work has been more stressful than normal and I’m sure even you are sick of hearing about it. If it weren’t for the dog, I probably would not have gotten out of bed today.

I hope we can catch up by phone sometime. I’d like to hear how you are doing and feeling. I could use your good news!

All my best.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a week. You’ve been busy moving on with your life. I thank you for letting me spend your last day in town with you. It was worth having to help you pack.

I’m glad we held each other and had a few minutes to be intimate. It did make it easier for me to feel that you still want me in some ways.

I hope we can stay in touch and be friends.

My love to you always.