Month: January 2015

…and check to see that you got home safe in the snow. But, I figured that would be overstepping. I hope you are safe and sound, and I will go on the assumption that if you need me you will call or text me. I will always be there if you need me.

More of a memory…. of you sleeping with me. I was holding you. Then I woke up alone, missing you.

I’m still waiting for you “to feel right about things”

Do I believe you care? You say you love me. You say you care. You even said I shouldn’t give up on you – on us.

Yes, I want to believe. I want to believe so much. But every time I believe, you tell me you can’t be with me and don’t want a relationship.

I received your letter today and you signed it “love…” But is it love? I want so much to believe you care and can love me…. but it just keeps getting ripped away.

I try to keep myself open to you. Available to you if you ever want me. But sitting by myself in loneliness and despair, not knowing if you well ever call or come back to me is taking its toll.

You wrote that you don’t think you are waiting for something (someone?) better, but waiting for things to be better between us. How do things get better between us if we don’t see each other? Unless better between us means not seeing each other to you.

I know you want me to care. I just don’t know if I dare to hang on, to believe anymore. I don’t know how many tears I have left.

You asked if you could share this. Yes, it is open and public. I have put my diary of feelings here for you – initially so you could see that I did have doubts and concerns that I didn’t show you. And lately I’ve written knowing you would read these posts which are my fears and feelings of a moment in time.

What is missing?

What is not here on this blog are all the joys and good feelings we shared. I only seem to write when I am upset or afraid of losing you. Anyone reading this would think there was only pain in our lives and no joy. But joy and happiness triumphed during most of our relationship – and non-relationship days. There are 70 or so posts on this blog. Its been 275 days (give or take a day) since our first date. That means there were more than 200 days without pain and fear that had to be released. There were so many days of joy, happiness, and us being together in the past year. Once you decided to try and be in a relationship we were practically inseparable for the first thirty days – sleeping together nearly every night. We grew comfortable with each other – for a while.

So, don’t read this blog as the summary of our relationship. It is only the summary of my fears and pain without the balance of the good that existed. If I could somehow explain the joy when you kiss me. How I forget everything when you let me hold you – that moment makes everything else fade away. The way you fit my arms and almost ask me to pull you closer is bliss.

So if you share this blog, please do so with the caveat that it is me writing my fears and pain so I don’t have to keep them bottled inside me.

It is easy for me to give all of myself. It was not all the chase (although I admit that some chasing was good), and not all the capture – I get pleasure from giving to you and seeing you smile.

I was unkind Sunday and I am sorry that I had to be that way. I finally told you the truth. You made some tough statements and asked some difficult questions.

Are there different types of love? You feel so. But what love is there that pushes people away? Am I on trial to see if I can really love you, no matter how badly you treat me and punish me for your past relationships? I have told you I love you, and I will always be there if you need me. I am not sure I can hang around when you don’t need me and don’t want me as part of your life. The fool waits, always in pain and never happy. I have been a fool.

So why do I continue with you? Are you worth it? The answer is very simple – I am in love with you. If you don’t know why, just follow the link – it explains why I love you. The reasons I love you are unchanged, only diminished. Are you worth it? I thought so. Everyone is worthy of love. But if you don’t want me to love you (and sometimes you make me feel you don’t), then I need to stop.

You feel we don’t have any common ground. We do. But we lack commonality on the thing most important to you – that you don’t want a relationship and I do. Yes, this is our biggest barrier. But, you keep calling me back. And I keep coming back – because I love you, I want you, and I used to think that you wanted me too.

You told how your past is full of people looking to date but not commit to a relationship, only to find them in relationships after dating you. You shared your pain about this. Maybe this makes you not want a relationship so you can say you didn’t want it anyway. But this is my pain as you know and my insecurity. You say you don’t want a relationship. Am i going to find you in a relationship with someone else soon. Are you telling me the same thing you’ve been hearing in your past? That its me that is not good enough?

You said you have been “unsettled” for several years. Is it that you don’t want to settle for me? That you don’t want to settle-down in a relationship? Are you so afraid of relationships that you can’t even think about having one, or is it me?

My past does dictate much of my future. I make my rules to protect people I care about. I will not act recklessly. That said, I think my rules are manageable. Yes, my problems will become a burden on any partner I have. But that is a price of partnership. Partners share burdens and look out for each other. I hope I am able to bring enough other joys to make this sorrow bearable. I call bullshit on this, because you are projecting problems that don’t exist.

In anticipation of our talk, I prepared a few points for discussion. We covered most of them. Here they are so you can have my notes just like I have yours.

• I feel like you are needing to say your final good-bye to me. Have I been the fool?
• I feel I’ve been played. I have given all I can. You have not honored your promises. As an example, you have not paid your car rental. You said you would pay before you left, but I insisted you wait until your return in case you had any unexpected expenses. Upon your return you promised to pay me, but time passed and no further action. I was afraid to mention it because I didn’t want to drive you away or sound petty. But now I feel played – that I never mattered enough for you to even honor that promise. Its not about the money, but about how you treat me and how you make me feel.
• You are emotionally immature. You need to take some responsibility for your feelings and actions and how they effect others. You walked away from me. Why come back? To walk away again? Make a decision. And live with the outcome. Stop saying the problem is how someone else feels, and make a decision for yourself. I know writing this will likely make your decision one I won’t like, but I’m approaching the point where any decision is better than the limbo I’ve been stuck in.
• Stop thinking you can bend me to fit your ideal of a sometimes friend and sometimes lover that won’t be hurt if you date other people. I am hurt, have been hurt. I am not flexible enough to bend to what you need. I simply break.
• Stop using cancer as an excuse to avoid tomorrow and only think about today. This seems incredibly unfair as I write this. But you have tomorrows. The people who care for you have tomorrows. Those tomorrows are as important as today. You can live for today and still believe in tomorrow.
• Caving into others? Do you cave into your family’s opinion and dump me? Do you listen to Gina? You accused me of saying you couldn’t think for yourself. And yet you tell me that the opinions of family effect your feelings about being with me. Are you caving? Or are you using them as the excuse so you don’t need to make the decision or reveal your true feelings? I don’t know, but I worry about this. And when I tell you I worry about this you say I don’t think you can think for yourself. That is not what I meant. But, yes, I worry about how others perceive me and how they will try to convince you to stay away from me.
• Facebook – you’re right, there is no winning there. If I am your friend then I will be sad when I see you moving on with life without me. And when you un-friend me, I feel you are hiding that you are moving on with your life without me and cutting me away. There is no good answer for this.
• Drunk you: You used to call me or text me when you were drunk and tell me you still wanted me. You said it was hard to lie when you’re drunk. But no more. Now you just say you don’t want me when you’re drunk. Why would you want me when you’re sober?

So, where do we go from here? This is your bus – you need to decide. When I decided it didn’t work out. Maybe you will have better luck.

All I can say it that I still love you and care about you. If you need me I will be there for you. But if you want me, you need to make that decision soon.I can’t live in the gray – its like a blind person without walls.

1 Comment:

Her 1/12/2015 11:06:48 am
Yes, that was pretty ugly, but I appreciate your honesty. It must have been hard writing that knowing I would read it. You make so many valid points. I have never had anyone care enough to point out the bad things about me. I know that sounds crazy, but if you were in my head you would understand. I have a lot to think about, ponder and discuss. I have many things I need to take ownership of. I will be in touch….I hope you are still willing to listen.

thank you, but I worry about you.

We met, we talked, we cried. I was an ass, you were a bitch. We cried again. We kissed. We parted.

Did you get any closer to finding what you are looking for? I challenged you to find me someone else if you don’t want a relationship with me. That seemed to raise a lot of feelings for you. Did you know you had those feelings? Now you know how I will feel if you date someone else.

I love you. I want you. But we can’t keep going on like this. I can’t keep going on like this. Do you text me?