Month: December 2014

Dearest,

I understand how you feel. I really do. Although its not my experience between us, I get how you feel love was too fast.

So, how do we fill in the gaps? I am truly asking because I know we can’t go back, and I do want to build a relationship with you that will last a lifetime. I know that is scary for you, and that it is difficult because I am in love with you already. Just tell me how, and I’ll work hard.

When we first met you were very open and friendly. I reached out to you and tried to ask you out without success. But you came back and I tried again. I was smitten with you at our lunch date. You were beautiful sitting at the table trying to stay neat with a messy lunch. You are still beautiful. We had hundreds of conversations and traded thousands of texts. You quickly became my best friend. I did fall in love quickly. Because you are easy to love and I care about you.

I know you are unsure about our physical relationship. Questioning whether that is all I care about. I do care about having a physical and sexual relationship with you. You have expressed that you are highly sexual and you enjoy physical contact. It is when I feel an unfiltered connection with you. I like holding you in my arms, being with you. For me, it is less about sex and more about feeling that you want me.

Thank you for trying to keep me around. I miss your texts in the morning. I drove by to see if you were at work safe. I didn’t see you, but since the doors were open I know you were there (because without you, that place will fall apart).

1 Comment: Her – You said goodbye. 1/1/16

I was just wondering if you ever think of including me in your life. I feel like I’m intruding when I have to ask to join you for a drink or go along with you.

I know you’re going to think I’m moody or pouting, and that just makes you pull away more. But, do you ever consider asking me to join you? I feel like you don’t want me to be around you with your friends or in public.

You said ‘ll last night you are reluctant to reach for my hand because you don’t want to be rejected. Is this the same thing? Or would I make you uncomfortable if I ask to go along with you? I’m just trying to find my place in your life.

1 Comment: Her – I don’t know where to begin…..I don’t ask you because I have said I don’t want to be in a relationship. Which would mean I don’t want a boyfriend. I know if I invited you out(let’s say I was headed out with the Joe’s) you would expect me to be with you(hold hands or be your “date”)…… I would no longer be the Kelly I am when you are not around. Several people have said I act different around you. I no longer know if I am the real Kelly with you or the real Kelly without you. It has become a blurred line. You want our lives to be integrated. I also try to be sensitive to what you are comfortable with. I did not do a good job of that at RiRa’s…..sorry. I told you I am not cut out for relationships, but you are designed to change that. Another thing, I have always said I go out with my friends, no matter who I am with. It was not my place to invite you. No one else brought a date. This is why I should not be in a relationship……… 12/28/2014

I’m sorry I upset you tonight. But, I don’t know if we are friends. To me, we are so much more. We are lovers. We are more deeply connected than friends. And I am not sure I am strong enough to be your friend. How do I encourage you to follow your dream when it leaves me behind? Can I be a good enough friend to hold you up, and not hold you back?

I came to visit you on Saturday – I thought I was taking your hint that you called out sick and would be home all day. I came because I want you in my life, and I don’t know how to figure that out. I came to see if you want me.

We had sex, and I was a jerk – because I was afraid that if you saw how much being with you means to me, it would scare you away again. I wanted you to think I would be ok. That it didn’t matter – but it matters a great deal. When I hold you and feel you react, when I grab you and pull you close and you kiss me – it matters.

I was very confused yesterday and today. You almost acted like were still together. Joking about you being my Christmas present. Are we together? Are we still apart?

I know you don’t know what you want. I wish you did, and I know you wish you could tell me. But, sometimes I wonder are you keeping me around just in case you decide you want me – or can’t find someone better? I know this is unfair. I am afraid of being the fool. Afraid of giving my heart away to you again only to have it shattered beyond repair.

I hope we can figure this out, in a way that doesn’t hurt either of us, and gives us both joy and peace.

I love you. I did not want to make you angry or upset. I was just trying to be honest – I don’t know what we are.

I wish I was the one that could hug you enough to bring all the broken pieces back together.

I wanted to text you and ask if you are o-k, made it home safe, ask about your schedule – but mostly to see if you are wiling to talk to me. I want you in my life but I haven’t figured out how to do that, yet.

I wish you would just “come back” to being with me, but I know that didn’t work for you. I am here if you want me – here to just be the one you let know you arrived safe or talk to about your day. I love you and care about you.

I don’t mean to seem rude or distant, but I can’t figure out how to handle life without you, or how to have you in my life and not feel the hurt and loss.

A lot has happened this week, and yet I keep coming back to wishing you were with me. I love you and I don’t know what to do with that love. And I don’t want to push you further away or make you feel bad.

If you ever want me or need anything, you know how to reach me. I won’t avoid you, but I’m afraid to try and contact you – afraid of more rejection. I’m sorry.

First, I want to thank you for speaking with me Thursday night and your message on Friday.

Yes, I do want to try and get back together. And I thank you for offering. But, what I want isn’t the issue here. I don’t want it to be false. And frankly, under the circumstances, I would just be more stressed wondering when you are going to leave me again.

If you ever decide you’d like to try again – please don’t be afraid to ask. I love you and I would like to find a way to have a relationship with you that works for you and me. And if you decide it is what you want, then we would be starting in a different place.

But for now, I need to accept the reality that we are not in a relationship and I can not expect you to feel any differently about me. I have stopped carrying the coin that I found after our first few dates. I kept it in my pocket as a constant reminder of your kindness and my love for you. A safety blanket of sorts that reminded me there was someone who cared about me and someone for me to care about.

I welcome your occasional text or comments, but I don’t feel I should be chasing you because I will only make things worse for you and me.

Be well, and know you are truly loved (even if you don’t want it).

I just don’t really understand what changed between September and October. Was it something I did or didn’t do? I thought and felt you were in love with me, and then it seems to have just evaporated. I could understand if I had been a cheat or abuser – but to just have your love disappear is crushing my soul.

I don’t fault you, because we all need to follow our feelings. I just wish I could understand how they seemed to change so quickly.

1 Comment: Her – Nothing changed, I am just not happy. I did not want a relationship, I had said that from the beginning. I tried, I truly did. And it is not always about love…… It’s about being yourself, I don’t feel like I had been myself for a long time. I need to be myself before I can be a couple. I do love you, but I am not sure I am in love with you. I think you are wonderful, and you have a lot to offer. Yes, you can be slightly overbearing, and sometimes you are a little clingy…. These are things I don’t deal will with. I don’t know if I can explain this. I don’t know if I am explaining it well right now….. 12/3/2014

I feel hurt, angry, alone, and hopeless. I’ve been told I’m not loved or lovable – that I am to difficult and demanding to maintain a relationship. I am barely able to hold myself together. Tears come streaming down my face without warning. I long to retreat to bed but sleep escapes me. I drink to numb my mind and body, but the effects are temporary and the tears return.

I can not say or do the right thing. I feel like a failure at all things. I try to show compassion and caring but incite anger. I pray that god delivers me from this hell.

1 Comment: Her – You are loved. You just don’t understand that what is right for you may not be right for me. I have not been happy for a while. I could continue to be unhappy, just to make you happy, but in the end that is unfair to everyone. It is living a lie. I had always said I did not want what you wanted.

I do love you, but it is not the kind of love you had for me. That would not be fair to you. I wish we could remain friends, but that is impossible for you. Where does that leave us? Lonely? Confused? Hurt? Angry? Lost?

 

All I can do is continue to say I am sorry. 12/02/2014

I feel like there is nothing I can ever do right by you. I brought your stuff up to your apartment to save you from having to come and get it. But instead of thank you I get criticized for doing so. I buy a bed cover, but all I hear is that it’s the wrong one. I bought you a replacement phone and you object. I give you gifts and you seem to resent that I can do that.

This is why I was not surprised you dumped me. There was nothing I could do or say that was right. And it hurts that you think so little of me that you always assume the worst instead of accepting that I made an effort to try and make your life easier or better.

I don’t wan to fight with you. I wish I could hug you, but I know you don’t want me. I will try to accept this, but it takes time and tears.