Month: July 2014

Tuesday, July 8, 1:00 pm

Dearest, do you really have any skin in the game? Or, is the risk all mine? We had lunch together today and you asked some hard questions that need more than a lunch break to discuss. I do love you, but sometimes you are killing me emotionally.

Monday, 9:35 pm.

Dearest, we just exchanged texts and I am as confused as ever! You were delightful and beautiful. You asked what is enough love to build a relationship? I answered, it just takes a little bit to start and grow into something real.

Can you have that little bit? Would you ever be willing to try? I hope so! I want you in my life and I want to make your life better and easier. You shouldn’t doubt the power of love. Just give us the chance to grow together instead of apart. Come, be my love. I wait for you.

Monday, 4:30 am.

I can’t sleep. I toss and turn in sadness. What happened? Why didn’t you do as you promised and call or text me? I wonder if I should email you or text you in the morning, or if you will text me. I don’t know what to do and my mind races with unpleasant thoughts. Did you have a date? Have you decided to not contact me again? Or is it simply a technical failure of a text or email to be delivered? Have you run away? Chosen to disappear from my life? I am hurt and confused, clueless!

The birds have started to sing and I can’t sleep- wanting you and having no way to know if you want any contact with me. Part of my angst it that I wanted to hug you and hold you yesterday – knowing the pain you are in. I believe yesterday was probably my last chance. I thought you would have agreed to meet me.

Did you read my email about that Tuesday night? You didn’t comment or reply. I hope you have counseling this week and can find some answers for yourself and can decide what you want. Do you want me or not? Even after all this pain and hurt, I still want you in my life. I can’t distance myself enough to not love and care for you. May god please bring me peace!

Sunday, 10:00 pm.

My heart screams WHY? You said you would text me today after your family picnic. I have not heard from you.; I feel you are done with me, again. Its past ten, and I wonder if you are home in bed or out running around. Did you go out on a date? You confuse me so, and you don’t seem to care about my feelings or how you cause me pain.

My sister suggests I should just take my pain now and call it quits – dump you before I realize you dumped me long ago. I don’t want to be without you in my life, but you treat me like shit. I should not answer if you come back. You don’t deserve my kindness. You abuse and use my love with nothing in return. GO AWAY AND LET ME DIE!

Sunday, 8:50 am.

Dearest, I see you changed your relationship status on Facebook. Was that a message to me? A dig? Am I the complication? I am afraid to ask. I love you so much, but we don’t see each other, only text. Are you afraid to see me because of your feelings or because of mine? I hope you agree to see me today. I want to hold you and hug you. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish you could take away mine. Time will tell, but patience is difficult for me. All my love is yours.

Saturday, 5:30 pm.

We talked a few minutes and then texted a few times. I was relieved. I just wish I could hold you and hug you. I am lonely and bored and exercising patience; and I hope beyond reasonable hope for an outcome of love. You do deserve me, and I deserve your love and devotion. I pray to god for your love and for you to accept that I love you. I wish I knew how long to wait – wait for your love or when to stop being the fool. I pray I don’t need to wait for years or months. I will send you an email tonight, my love.

Saturday, 12:45 pm.

You texted me today that you quit your job this morning. I requested that you call me to talk and you replied you would, but you haven’t. I’ve been sitting at home waiting on you, trying to get you to respond. I understand you are upset and probable have a lot going on in your mind, but I don’t understand you cutting me out. I am worried about you. I am somewhat worried you will harm yourself. I don’t know what I should do, so I sit here and wait and worry.

I wish I could be your comforter and confidant. I love you and want you well and happy. If I can contribute to your happiness, I will, even if it is just taking away some misery.

Saturday, 9:00 am

I sent you an email, and you replied. I am too weak to cut you from my life. I will send you the description of what happened the night of Tuesday, April 8 after you get home from work. I love you and I wish I could hug you, hold you, and let you cry. I hope the Tuesday description helps you.

9:45 pm.

We just hung up. I said good bye.

My heart aches and I am so sad. I want you in my life, but I am not able to be just friends, and you are not able to be more than friends. You don’t want to date me and that baffles me. We dated so well. Clearly, you want me in your life. So how could you hurt me so and discard my love for you like a used tissue? I know that first Tuesday night we spent together haunts you. I will write an account of what happened that night to see if it will help you. Maybe you will be able to understand and come to terms with that night. Yes, you need to decide what you want before it is too late; before it destroys me.

8:30 pm.

You asked me if I was staying in town to watch the fireworks. I said I wasn’t and tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. I feel alone and betrayed. You didn’t respond to me tonight, and I fear you are out (on a date?). I know you wouldn’t tell me, but I should have seen the signs. Last night saying you didn’t want me to feel like you were using me. The text message this morning that sounded more like guilt. Not answering now and never promising to talk later. I feel you are dumping me again and the feeling sucks. Did you use me? The gifts I gave were given freely. But did you use me for your own emotional support. Do you only want me when you are sad? You seem to only want to have fun with someone else. I feel so stupid and foolish. I am too horrible a person to be loved. I would have been better off not answering your call last week.