Month: July 2014

Sunday, 8:00 am

Dearest, or should I say “honey”?

Yesterday was a very nice surprise to have breakfast with you and go the the farmer’s market. When I arrived to pick you up, you were wearing only a towel. I so much wanted to grab you, to hold you, and to make love to you. You are so beautiful to me, and I desire you so.

Yes, I was jealous of your ex at breakfast, because he has your love. You have said you broke up because you could not live together, but not because you don’t love him. I want your love for myself. So, I am jealous that he has (or had) something I don’t. I fear I may never have your love.

I sent you a text last night I wasn’t sure I should send. I did (and do) want you to spend the night with me – in my arms. I want to hold you close and comfort you. And I want you to comfort me. I look forward to seeing you this afternoon even though we have a daunting task. I am undecided about how much assistance to offer you. I know you will refuse it at first, but it may be the only way for you to survive financially. My love you always.

Wednesday, 11:15 pm.

Dearest, thank you for calling me tonight. I wish you would accept my help and not be so stubbornly independent. It seems so obvious to me that you should move in with me, but I know you don’t love me and can’t commit to that. I will help you as much as you will allow to straighten up your finances and get you on track. I told you I would help you find your bliss, even if it means losing you in the process. I love you and you deserve the best from my friendship. I hope we talk tomorrow. All my love –

Wednesday, 7:10 am.

Dearest, you sent me a text after we talked last night, “you don’t need to worry about me”. I know that is you telling me to back off. This morning, I wait for you to contact me. I wonder if you will. I know I can be over-bearing or intrusive at times, and I will back off.

I was hoping you would suggest we get a drink together tonight, but I see that you need your space away from me. You don’t want to feel pressure (to fall into bed?). I hurt last night when your response to my invitation for you to come to my place sometime was “hmmmm”. I felt that was worse than no response at all. Like you shut the door on possibility. I feel the fool. I love you, but I die a little each day.

Tuesday, 8:30 pm.

Dearest, I wonder where we are on our journey. Are we progressing or digressing? On Sunday and Monday I felt we were closer and coming to a middle ground. But after visiting you last night our communications today feel strained. I feel like you are pulling back again. I seems that if you know I will be there for you, you don’t need to draw me in further. I promise to try to be a good friend and live in the moment and appreciate what you are able to give.

I will help you, as you allow, to dig out and get to a point of financial and emotional stability. And, yes, even if that means that I loose you. Someday you will understand that I love you, and what love really means. Thank you for being with me, allowing me to be with you – both emotionally and physically, and thank you for accepting that I love you.

3:30 pm

I feel I’ve made a mistake. It feels like you are withdrawing again, and I’m sure it is because I showed up last night. It seems you only want me (emotionally) when you are hurting. And, when I ease that pain you start to pull away, maybe scared of being too close or afraid I love you too much. I try to remind myself to be grateful for what you give and can give. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure a solution to your living problem – knowing you won’t come live with me. I should RUN. You tell me to run, and today I feel that I am doomed to be the fool. I hope I’m wrong. I love you.

I asked you out for a drink today, but you are working and have no time. You didn’t suggest another time though. I guess I can’t wish my dreams to come true.

Dearest, today is odd and difficult. We slept together last night after fighting and coming to the conclusion we remain worlds apart in our feelings. The sex seemed different. You seemed not engaged. But sleeping with you and holding you all night was nice. I can’t get the memory of your beautiful ass in polka-dot panties out of my mind. I held you, caressed you, and you responded. I made you wet. You made me hard. It is nice to feel you want me, even if it is only physically. It pleased me to please you.

Now I need to work on being a better friend to you, and accept that you are not in love with me, even though it hurts. It is foolish for me to keep asking if you will ever fall in love with me. I can’t just wish it to happen. I will always be grateful to have loved you, but not I must learn to be your friend. My heart breaks, but I will try to keep you in my life. I will do this because you are worth loving, you deserve to have happiness, and I want to keep you in my life. I need you much more than you will ever need me. I hope we talk tonight. I think that in the future, I should avoid going to your house to avoid temptation.

Saturday, July 12, 9:30a

I am truly confused! I want your love so much, and you say you like me and keep wanting to spend time with me, but you won’t kiss me or be affectionate. You keep going both directions. You say no relationship and no dating, but want to see me every day. I’m afraid I need more and will get less. I love you.

Thursday, 10 pm

Dearest, we had a good lunch together today. The conversation was a bit deep for a lunch break, but it was good and not sad. I look forward to Saturday and hope we can be together without pressure from me or high expectations.

Therapy today reinforced to me that I may be the fool if I am waiting for you to want a relationship when you don’t want one.

I do fear being the great fool and dying emotionally in this process. I am willing to work on love. I just need you to give us the chance. I don’t know what you really want. You oscillate sometimes between being overly friendly and then saying absolutely no relationship or dating. It is all very confusing.

Will you ever want me? Truly want me – in a relationship? I love you. I will always care for you.

7/9/2014

Wednesday, 9:00 pm.

Dearest, we exchanged emails today about having dinner together on Saturday. I know you are worried that I want more than you can give. You are right. I want all of you, and love from you, and sex with you. I know this is more than you can give right now. So, I will do my best to wait. I hope I will not be the fool. But, if we don’t visit and spend time together you will never have the chance to fall in love with me. How do we balance each other?

I want to always be with you. How do I make you want to be with me? I love you so, and pray for us. Good night.

Tuesday, 9:00 pm.

Dearest, we had a good day today after your troublesome morning. Thank you for sharing your lunch break with me. I still feel I will be the fool. I am afraid I am waiting for you to fall in love with me when you can’t possibly love someone like me.

I am wiling to wear my heart on my sleeve to take the chance on love. I think you turned a bit of a milestone today: planning ahead and inviting me to dinner on Saturday. It is so unlike you to plan ahead or make a future commitment. I hope I can abide by your rules. I can agree to a “date” without sex, but I can’t stop loving you and hoping that you will fall in love with me.

I also hope you don’t get upset with me, but I called a Craigslist ad and purchased an air conditioner for you. I hope to hear from you tomorrow so I can pass it along. I do care for you and perhaps I overstep our bounds at times. I love you. Drive safe and goodnight.